What If™…? Larry King was Captain America? What then, huh?

Good morning America and all free countries of the world… I had Wheaties for breakfast this morning, and boy, they still pack a punch… You really owe it to yourself to see Arsenic and Old Lace on Broadway before you die... Jack Benny does more with five seconds of silence than all these new-fangled comedians do with ten minutes of cussing… I found one of those Coke bottles with my name on it! Now maybe Hawkeye will stop taking my Cokes… The best meat loaf ever made in New York City is by: #1 - My mom. #2 - Edwin Jarvis. #3 - The Carnegie Deli... A lot of people know I punched Hitler but not a lot of people know I once punched Lana Turner… I think Obama is doing a darn fine job… If you can order yourself up a song on the World Wide Internet, why is it so hard to find sheet music these days?... If you're wondering what to get me for my birthday, here's a hint: that Bob Hope/Bing Crosby boxed video film set… What should I do with all these old comic books?… I'd like to get into Star Trek but I just can't get past that Russian guy… The new Nick Fury would make his papa proud… Frank Sinatra once threatened to punch me when we both appeared on the Fred Allen radio show. That man did not like you touching his suit… When is Ellery Queen going to write another mystery whodunit book?... That sneezing panda film makes me laugh every time… Boy, parking is sure tough in Manhattan these days… Is there anything better than a Five Guys hamburger? Skip the fries, though, they take twice as long if you order fries… If I could tell you what really happened to Glenn Miller, you'd scream… I've always had a fondness for the name "Peggy"... Mister Benjamin J. Grimm has made clobbering a fine art… Why don't they carry LOOK magazine on the stands anymore?... Don't you hate it when two earths are colliding and you can only save one of them?... You know who's a real heroine? Margaret Bourke-White, that's who… That guy who plays me in the movies is pretty handsome... I heard Arnim Zola went on a diet and they had to install a plasma screen in him afterwards... In my day crooked cops would steal apples from fruit stands. Now they shoot kids. I'm not certain that's progress… I don't understand the internet. If I wanted to give everyone my personal information, I would have just called up Hedda Hopper… Why does the Hulk get a Red Hulk and a Blue Hulk but I only get the Red Skull?... Look up "wacky" in the dictionary and you'll find a picture of Spike Jones... What's up with all the cussing and nakedness on the television? It's just not necessary… Wait, you have to go WHERE to see the Dodgers play now?… That Squirrel Girl girl is a fine argument for women's rights… Mrs. Miniver is still the best war movie ever made… Until tomorrow, my friends, take care of each other and GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Captain America writes this daily syndicated column for the Daily Bugle and over 100 other newspapers across the US. Catch his nightly show on the Stark News Network or on Sirius FM daily.