Johnny Storm. The Human Torch. One of the Fantastic Four. At the heart of it, a nice guy who tries to do the right thing. Except...well, how can I put this diplomatically...Johnny isn't the sharpest knife at the end of Wolverine's fist. He is, in fact, as dumb as a bag of HAMMER agents. He's not the brightest guy who ever set himself on fire, now, is he? Sure, we all love the light-up lug, but again and again he proves that
the boy ain't right. You may remember his unfortunate obsession with Alicia Masters, who looked, in fact
just like...ah, now you remember?...
just like his sister Sue. No, Johnny,
no! Geez, Johnny,
stop that!
Geez, Johnny! Okay, yeah, but that's in
comic book...we
all know those things rot your mind. To take our minds off Johnny Storm
and his CRUSH ON A GIRL WHO LOOKS JUST LIKE HIS SISTER let's turn to the world of literature and pick up a good book to read. Ah, this looks like an entertaining tome over here on the right: Peter David's
What Lies Between...and what luck, it just happens to be about the Fantastic Four as well! Fine literature and comic book superheroes...
two great tastes that go great together.
Hmmm...uh huh...mmmm, not bad...mmmm...hmmm...uh huh...hmm
wha...
What the Sam Scratch?!?:
Now, I'm guessing Johnny doesn't the swiftly-cancelled Marvel UK comic book character
Hell's Dark Angel but this swiftly-cancelled Fox
sci-fi syfy TV show:
Okay, let's back up a minute here, Johnny. Now let's just get this straight, okay? You think
this girl is hot...
Um, let me put it like
this, Johnny. What do you think
your sister Sue would have to say about that?
Okay then, what if we
got your sister and this actress together in the same place so you could hang out with them together?
What do you think about that, Johnny?
Ummm...
okay. So let me just double check on this, Johnny, 'kay? Girl of your dreams...
...hangin' out with you and then meets your sister?
Any reaction to that, Johnny? Make you think, or...
So, just
DOUBLE-checking here, Johnny...
Nothin', huh? No reaction? Anybody home? Aw, c'mon Johnny, geez, take a look at YOUR DREAM GIRL:
...and YOUR FREAKIN' SISTER:
Say Johnny, why don't you stand here and look at
this hot girl AND your sister for a while and chew some
Doublemint Gum, huh?!?
ANY THOUGHTS ABOUT THAT AT ALL, JOHNNY?!?
Aw, fer cryin' out...
geez, Johnny, no
no no NO!!!
Sigh. Eh, let's skip ahead in the book and see if there's any good bits about Ben Grimm.
Yeah, well, Ben, ain't it true? Everybody can't be Michael Chiklis, now,
can they?
5 comments:
For those of you who like books with eye-rolling in-jokes about actors' other roles, may I recommend Greg Cox's "Star Trek: The Eugenics Wars" novels? Nowhere else will you see the character of Dr. Gillian Taylor (played by Catherine Hicks in "Star Trek IV") say, "I feel like I'm in seventh heaven."
You know, when they reboot the FF movies, I do hope they keep Michael Chiklis and whoever played Johnny. They had their roles spot-on.
My enduring Jessica-Alba-related memory is of a poll on Television Without Pity that referred to Dark Angel as "Lippy Lipperson and her crap-ass TV show".
To be fair to Johnny, the Jessica Alba in Dark Angel doesn't look much like the Jessica Alba in FF, what with the blonde wig, blue eyes and copious airbrushing.
In a comic book universe, identical girls are completely different because they have DIFFERENT HAIR COLOR. Same for boys, really. That's why they need the colorful costumes.
Where's my no-prize!?
Word Verification: Thorses... I thought the Thunder God's ride was driven by goats?
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