Aw geez, Johnny, no, not again!: More of the Inappropriate Loves of Jonathan Spencer Storm

Johnny Storm. The Human Torch. One of the Fantastic Four. At the heart of it, a nice guy who tries to do the right thing. Except...well, how can I put this diplomatically...Johnny isn't the sharpest knife at the end of Wolverine's fist. He is, in fact, as dumb as a bag of HAMMER agents. He's not the brightest guy who ever set himself on fire, now, is he? Sure, we all love the light-up lug, but again and again he proves that the boy ain't right. You may remember his unfortunate obsession with Alicia Masters, who looked, in fact just like...ah, now you remember?...just like his sister Sue. No, Johnny, no! Geez, Johnny, stop that!



Geez, Johnny! Okay, yeah, but that's in comic book...we all know those things rot your mind. To take our minds off Johnny Storm and his CRUSH ON A GIRL WHO LOOKS JUST LIKE HIS SISTER let's turn to the world of literature and pick up a good book to read. Ah, this looks like an entertaining tome over here on the right: Peter David's What Lies Between...and what luck, it just happens to be about the Fantastic Four as well! Fine literature and comic book superheroes...two great tastes that go great together.

Hmmm...uh huh...mmmm, not bad...mmmm...hmmm...uh huh...hmmwha...

What the Sam Scratch?!?:



Now, I'm guessing Johnny doesn't the swiftly-cancelled Marvel UK comic book character Hell's Dark Angel but this swiftly-cancelled Fox sci-fi syfy TV show:



Okay, let's back up a minute here, Johnny. Now let's just get this straight, okay? You think this girl is hot...



Um, let me put it like this, Johnny. What do you think your sister Sue would have to say about that?



Okay then, what if we got your sister and this actress together in the same place so you could hang out with them together?



What do you think about that, Johnny?



Ummm...okay. So let me just double check on this, Johnny, 'kay? Girl of your dreams...



...hangin' out with you and then meets your sister?



Any reaction to that, Johnny? Make you think, or...



So, just DOUBLE-checking here, Johnny...



Nothin', huh? No reaction? Anybody home? Aw, c'mon Johnny, geez, take a look at YOUR DREAM GIRL:



...and YOUR FREAKIN' SISTER:



Say Johnny, why don't you stand here and look at this hot girl AND your sister for a while and chew some Doublemint Gum, huh?!?



ANY THOUGHTS ABOUT THAT AT ALL, JOHNNY?!?



Aw, fer cryin' out...geez, Johnny, no no no NO!!!

Sigh. Eh, let's skip ahead in the book and see if there's any good bits about Ben Grimm.



Yeah, well, Ben, ain't it true? Everybody can't be Michael Chiklis, now, can they?