Let's go shoppin' and buy some head toppin'...at The 5,000 Hats of Jack Kirby!

You're traveling through another dimension...a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A dimension where the eternal winds of time and space chill you to the bone...because on this uncanny journey, you've forgotten to bring your hat. But look...there's a shop up ahead! Next stop...

The 5,000 Hats of Jack Kirby!

Within this shop, you'll find all your haberdashery needs, whether you're headed to the Negative Zone or Apokolips, riding in your Whiz Wagon or in your flying bathtub. Or even traveling by mischievous frog statue! Yes, that's right, The 5,000 Hats of Jack Kirby has headgear for every man, woman, child and Skrull, all larger than life and at affordable prices. Ask about our "Granny Goodness Installment Plan"...five bucks down now, and fifty-five years in the Terror Orphanage. (So don't forget to mail in your monthly check, suckers!)

Why, at The 5,000 Hats of Jack Kirby, you can find any hat style for any hat occasion! Heading to a hat party? Yours will be the grandest of all! Check it out the main floor of 5KHoJK: there's everything from Grand Pooh-Bah Hyper-Horn Helmets (left) to your everyday modern and modest felt fedora (right, miniature monocled mobster not included):

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Here, Lob-Starr the Devourer and Little Tony Hypersoprano are modeling only two of the wide, wide range of the 5,000 Hats of Jack Kirby. Don't have your monocle in yourself? Click the pic to flick it bik...er, I mean big. Quick!

Also, for some reason, 5KHoJK has a stuffed alligator in a big fishbowl on the ceiling. Those wacky decorators!

Feel free to wander through the many rooms and floors of The 5,000 Hats of Jack Kirby: you'll find a head-topping for whatever you're shopping. (And that's a Good Hats Promise from the Good People at 5KHoJK!) Let's take a look at them now, shall we? (Otherwise the point of this post will be entirely wasted.)

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If you're the stoic, stalwart, 1950s type who smokes a pipe and drives around for a job, you may prefer our classic slouch fedoras in many shades ranging from grey to brown, with dark grey and light brown in between. Private investigators, cops, and tough guys swear by 'em, but they never swear at 'em!

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But hey, if you wanted a regular human hat, you'd just head down to Sears, wouldn't you? It's in their stock of the obscure and the unusual that The 5,000 Hats of Jack Kirby really excels. Here's a rare example of a Fourth World Fourth-Dimensional Brain-Bowler, which receives over 1,300 cable HD stations, allows you to see in 3D, and instantly colorizes old black-and-white motion pictures for you! Why, you needn't even look at Superman when you're talking to him—not when you're catching up on old episodes of The Rockford Files! In this episode: Jim's old war buddy is involved in a shady deal.

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Cultural clashes no longer need be a worry when you've got the right topper on your noggin! No longer embarrass yourself at the Japanese Embassy's reception for Akira Kurasowa, Takeshi Kaga and Puffy AmiYumi: now you can arrive in style not only in the new Oldsmobile Cutlass '88, but also in authentic and appropriate style with a samurai sombrero perched on your western head! And remember, that fish ain't cooked for a reason!

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Goin' to war? Sure, we all are! Nullify your noggin from knocks and...and... (flipping through my thesaurus) ...nodules with one of Jack's Mighty Morphin' War Helmets! It'll keep your bonnet cool and dry while all about you is big crushing destructo-wheels of death and despair. (Offer not valid in Iraq, Afghanistan, or Apokolips.)

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And sometimes you just need an understated, comfortable cap to lounge about the house in.

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Got an ugly mug? No problem! Just slip on one of Jack's "Handsome Helmets" to keep your bushy eyebrows and scowling look or derision and anger hidden from Francine, your blind date that your pal Lightray set you up with. Even in the most brightly lit Appleby's, she'll never realize your gaze holds the hatred of one thousand burning suns! And be sure to buy her an appetizer, ya cheapskate!

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And Jack's doesn't only stock hats for men, oh no no no no no. Nooooooo. (No.) Step into our ladies' department, where our trained and highly feminine staff will adorn with the latest Paris fashions—anything from an Easter bonnet to a hat for a Grand National day outing to a regal vibranium and adamantium full-face tiara suitable for your declaration of death upon the accursed but finally captured Black Panther, who will never again escape your clutches and within minutes will be suffering the torments of one thousand...guards, guards, seize him! SEIZE HIM!

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Everybody hates secret Santa parties, right? Especially when you draw the names of Stella in the typing pool, or Ernie Knutley from accounts, or the Grand Vizier and his assistant, the Slightly-Less-Than-Grand-Vizier. Don't risk being thrown to the fire-toads again this year: get 'em some Fine Jack Hats with Vizierin' Visors! You'll probably get their thanks, and maybe only ten minutes in a cage with the Star-Gorilla!

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For your motoring enthusiasts, why not a retro '50s helmet with chrome and fins? Plus, it comes with a year's supply of Turtle Wax! It's the perfect chapeau for all Jeremy Clarkson fans, and indeed, for Jeremy Clarkson. And on that bombshell, let's move on to another hat!

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Everybody knows Jack Kirby co-created the X-Men, so it's a natural that his unparalleled hat shop stocks all variety of toppers for our original children of the atom! Here's special X-Hat models, from left to right, Hank "The Beast" McCoy, Scott "Slim" "Cyclops On the Day He Forgot to Wear His Ruby Quartz Glasses, Without Which His Ultra-Destructive Optic Beams Are Uncontrollable and Surely Threaten Everything and Everyone Around Him" Summers, Jean "No, I Won't Blow Up This Planet, Why Are You Asking?" Grey, and, um...well, there's Wilford Brimley.

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Kicky French berets! Fashionable mummy head-wraps! A hat we like to call "The Frank Sinatra"! The 5,000 Hats of Jack Kirby has got 'em all, for everybody! (Except that bald guy. He is not allowed to have a hat. Jack's rules. I don't make 'em, I just enforce 'em.)

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If you're lookin' for a hat with a Spartan sword on the top, or a skull-fitting cap with built-in eyebrows, why are you shopping anywhere else than Jack's?!?!?

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L-R: The Invisible Girl, Mr. Fantastic, The Thing, The Human Torch, and...I dunno, Willie Lumpkin aptly demonstrate Jack's fine creations for new costumes for the Fantastic Four. Excelsior, true believers!

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Yes, it's The 5,000 Hats of Jack Kirby, where our freidnly and knowledgeable staff will suggest and offer just the right hat for you...even if you have an oddly-shaped or granite head!





That's The 5,000 Hats of Jack Kirby, exit 22, behind the Home Depot in Exeter! Remember, every Jack's is owned and operated by Jack Kirby himself, who wants to bring you the finest hat your pieces of eight, Republic credits, cubits, galleons, sickles, and knuts, Zeni and Monopoly money can buy! If it ain't a good hat, it ain't worth Jack! And always remember our motto:

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5,001? Wow, that means...hey, the new shipments are in!