Friday Night Fights: Beast Wars

Happy Friday Night, folks! A few weeks ago when I was putting together a "Ten of a Kind" of heroes and villains in their ultimate staring-matches or face-offs, I came across a comic book cover so brilliant, so bizarre, so wonderful, so fun that I didn't want to jus' throw it in with nine other covers. No, fight fans, this is in a class by itself. This is sheer, utter brilliance. This is the pinnacle of characters racing at each other on a comic book cover. This is Justice League of America #132...


Go ahead. Gaze at its beauty for a while. Bask in the sheer mind-bending brilliance that is Ernie Chan's portrayal of the Justice League facing off against animals with weapons.

But one sweeping gaze does not a work of art make. Get up close and examine the details, won't you? Like Cameron Frye in the Art Institute of Chicago, stare at it up close and absorb every detail until it sinks into your conscious mind, surrounding and bathing you in its sheer artsy brilliance while your best friend makes out with his girlfriend in front of the Chagall Window. Go ahead, look more closely. As a great man once said, Every Picture Tells a Story:



To heck with super-gorillas...who needs superpowers when you've got the ultimate equalizer: a gun! It's just too bad that Mister Monkey here picked the worst possible opponent to go up against: The Batman! Every since his parents were shot in that alley by an ape, Batman's got a mad-on for simian shooters...and he's taking a monkey bite out of crime! You oughta've stuck to knuckledusters, Kong!



Speakin' of Bats, what's up with the Dark Knight's posture? All the other Justice Leaguers are charging full speed ahead to meet the awesome animal attack. But Batman looks like he's leaning into battle...or maybe he's just been standing on a box and somebody pushed him off balance. No fear, tho'...like a Weeble, Batman wobbles but he don't fall down!



An elephant never forgets...to kill you! Looks like Wonder Woman will have her hands full with this homicidal heffalump! But look: the Amazing Amazon has drawn her Golden Lasso and will soon have the beast in bondage. And as the theme song to her TV show goes, when Wonder Woman has you in a tie, there's nothing you can do to lie! So pretty soon this perplexed pachaderm will be spilling all his elephanty secrets to WW. First up on his confession: mice freak him out!



Hey, look, it's Supergirl! Hi, Supergirl! Gosh, I didn't even know she was in the Justice League, but there she is, getting ready to lay the smackdown on a rampaging Rhino (Note: not the Spider-Man villain). And what a sensible outfit she's wearing. We love you, Supergirl! Try not to die in Crisis on Infinite Earths, will ya?



Now, there's a certain class of folk who bring a knife to to a gunfight. And then there's a certain class of animal that just isn't all that bright, either. Hey, look around you, guys: Gorilla's got a gun. Elephant's got a mace flail (thanks for the correction, Matthew!). Giraffe has got a...no, no, seriously, work with me here...the giraffe has got a spear. But it looks like the cheetah and the rhino just plum fergot to bring their weapons. Right at this very moment both of them are thinking "Did I leave my chain saw in the taxi...oh, freakin' heck, I did...!...We're gonna die, aren't we?...Yep."



Batman versus a brown gorilla. Wonder Woman versus a grey elephant. Supergirl versus a grey rhino. And of all those choices, who did Green Lantern pick to face off again? That's right, folks...a yellow giraffe. Oh, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal. Will you never learn? I have the feeling that this particular battle is going to be neck and neck.



So, let's recap. Bats versus ape. Wondy versus Jumbo. Kara versus Horny. Hal versus his own poor judgment. Black Canary versus some kind of cheetah. So who do you think was smartest in choosing his opponent on this cover?:



Shame on you, Oliver Queen! Everybody else is pulling their weight, and you stand there so smug and happy that you don't have to actually fight anybody. Sure, you're loading up your longbow, but what are you aiming it at? Nothing! You're shooting between the animals! What, are you just thinkin' "Ah, it's Friday afternoon at 4:15...I'm not gonna do any work. I'll just look busy and then scoot out of here real fast at five." Well, Ollie, there's only one word to describe you, and it's spelled S-L-A-C-K-E-R. And stop lookin' so smug about it!


I just want to see them explain this all to Martian Manhunter and Superman later. "And there was a rhino, and a ape, and a giraffe with a spear..." "Oh yes...a lion with a whip too, I bet...and a Thompson's gazelle with a Thompson machine gun, right?....We're never leaving them alone again, J'onn."

Oh course, such a face-to-face combat awesome cover could never be topped for sheer wacky craziness, could it. I mean, there's no way you could top that...


DC Comics in the seventies...thy name is awesome.

Bahlactus is kind to all animals.