Archie's Generic Celebrities Month, Day 4: Not Actually Guy Fieri, Rachael Ray, or Paula Deen

Say, who's this hash-crashing the Riverdale High cafeteria, domain of dinner doyenne Bernice Beazly? Why, it's some Gourmand Generic Celebrities!


Splash page from "Cafeteria Cook Showdown" in World of Archie Double Digest #7 (July 2011), script by Bill Golliher, pencils by Stand Goldebrg, inks by Al Milgron, colors by Barry Grossman, letters by Janice Chiang
Let's introduce them by their generic parody names, shall we? Oh dear oh dear oh dear.


Guy and Rachael Dude and Maple are introduced as pretty darn cool, and so would you if you had a multi-million dollar advertising cookware campaign running in major magazines around the world, including inside the Archie Universe. But right from the start "Deanna Paul" is shown to be harboring a dark, dark secret from her Southern past. Could it be that she's fond of using... gasp!... the "N" word? Why yes, here in Riverdale, Deanna can't resist referring to... Nabisco!


Suddenly...national television channel reality program showdown! What, you're doing a TV show about cafeteria food without Oliver Jameson?


Of course, Ms. Beasly's infamous un-food pulls swiftly to the lead, thanks to Dude Ferrari's palate for food from (in the name of his popular TV series) Dumpsters, Debris and Dung!


Turns out Deanna Paul's secret shame is that she flunked out of cafeteria school. Also, that her name used to be "Mary Slimapple." Also, that she smokes twenty packs of butter daily.


HA HA HA HA Deanna Paul opens her own mouth and inserts foot. Well, it oughta be better than those Lard Squyares she's been hawking.
THUS PERISH ALL ENEMIES TO MS. BEAZLY.