On this date in 1969, we set our sights upon a strange and distant world and stepped forth into the future as we explored a land previously unreachable! Yes, today in 1969, Woodstock began! Wait, no, that's not right.
from Woodstock one-shot (Marvel, 1994), plot by Mort Todd; script by Charles Schneider; pencils, inks, and colors by Gene Fama, letters by Vicki William
Today's the day that the teddy bears had their picnic...on the moon! (oon oon oon oon) Around the world every nation was held in rapturous awe as Apollo 11 set down upon the lunar surface, then immediately opened a Starbucks.
from Fantastic Four (1961 series) #98 (Marvel, May 1970), script by Stan Lee, pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Joe Sinnott, letters by Artie Simek
In every corner of the globe, Hollywood representations of quirky 1930s cops and cabbies argued about metaphysics as all around them, men wore porkpie hats and astronauts made dramatic scientific history!
Meanwhile, somewhere near a cherry orchard, in an Anton Chekhov play, a middle-aged Russian man married to an 83-year year old Babushka Lady makes the first of many Russia-on-top jokes that would become such an endearing trait of his 23rd century descendant, Ensign Pavel "Davy Jones" Chekov:
And at the same time, a mysterious long-lost island rises from the ocean depths, spurring humanity to search for...the Stimulator! No, I don't know what it is, either. You'd better ask Jack Kirby. Your guess is as good as mine.
But my point...and I do have one...is that, on the moon's ancient surface, the Lunar Module settles down upon the surface, little suspecting that just over the horizon, there's Kirby Krackle a-plenty!
It's all thanks to the Fantastic Four, who have surreptitiously aided Apollo 11 on her way, with the help of the most important superhero of all time, The Sentry, who took time off from his busy schedule of dating supermodels and changing the course of history to...oh, wait, wrong Sentry. Anyway, moon landing, yay!
Hooray, mankind! Too bad you flubbed your line, Neil. Practice next time! Or, consider cue cards! Don't worry, Stan fixed it for ya in post.
So today in history, humanity landed on the moon.
Or...DID THEY?!?*
(*They did.)
No, no, no, I'm definitely not one of those skeptics who thinks the moon landing was filmed on a sound stage in Arizona. Especially since The Jackie Gleason Show was on hiatus for the summer, with its pre-constructed moon set featuring the faces of each member of the Honeymooners going free for the use. Instead, I reserve my skepticism for the veracity of the claim that 'Dippin' Dots' are truly the "ice cream of the future"...but that's still to be authoritatively disproved.
Anyway, it totally happened like this:
from "Moon 69: The True Story of the 1969 Moon Launch" in Tales Designed to Thrizzle #8 (Fantagraphics, May 2012), by Michael Kupperman
Were Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin really the first humans to walk on the moon? Now, there's places you can go to ask that, but don't ask Colonel Buzz. He will punch you. (And rightfully so.)
Buzz Aldrin punches a moon-landing-denier conspiracy theorist (September 2002)
Go, Buzz, Go!
Also, Harry Potter's Emma "Hermione Smartass Granger" Watson will punch you, too. Not that she has a horse in this race—she she just is good at punching people.
No, for that answer, we have to go back in time to the origins of the Kree-Skrull War, or, as its known on Skrullos, the War Between the Chosen People and the Stinking Filthy Samelings.
cover of The Kree-Skrull War Starring the Avengers #1 (Marvel, September 1983), pencils by Walt Simonson, inks by Tom Palmer, colors by Andy Yanchus
Back in the days before cable television or ColecoVision or even Parcheesi, the super-arrogant blue aliens known as the Kree challenged the ultra-botanical planet aliens known as the Cotati to a contest: which one of them could develop a barren world—our moon—into a life-filled paradise?
cover of The Kree-Skrull War Starring the Avengers #2 (Marvel, October 1983), pencils by Walt Simonson, inks by Tom Palmer, colors by Andy Yanchus
Poor losers to the end, the Kree went berserk when the Cotati won: for this outrage, they forever swore revenge upon...the Skrulls. Yeah, I'm thinking they were pretty much using the same excuse the Nazis used for annexing the Sudetenland.
from Avengers (1963 series) #133 (Marvel, March 1975), script by Steve Englehart, layouts by Sal Buscema, finishes by Joe Staton, colors by Phil Rachelson, letters by Tom Orzechowski
Thus began the millennia-long battle known across the universe as the Kree-Skrull War, of which it is generally agreed was a bad thing, although it gave rise to such cultural advances as big band music, the development of second-gen-plasmer-poly-fibers, and that classic holodrama Kreesablanca.
cover of Avengers: The Kree-Skrull War trade paperback (Marvel, July 2000); pencils, inks, colors, and letters by Neal Adams; additional colors by Steve Buccellato
And after the poor loser Kree pulled up stakes and left the moon, Uatu the Watcher moved in, no doubt happy to have his own domain at last after vowing to his parents Mom Watcher and Dad Watcher that he was going to move out of the basement and have his own totally bitchin' pad and no one was going to tell him when he had to go to bed or if he could have Galactus over for a kegger party.
from "The Failure!" in Tales of Suspense #52 (Marvel, April 1964), plot by Stan Lee, script and pencils by Larry Lieber, inks by Paul Reinman, letters by Sam Rosen
Ask any Marvel fanboy, therefore, where the Watcher lives, and they'll tell you: 1313 Mockingbird Lane, Apartment 221B, Blue Area of the Moon, Moon, 60609. But...was it always so? Depending on who you ask in the early days of Marvel history, the Watcher has lived on "another world, light years from our earth"...
from "The Primitive!" on Tales of Suspense #51 (Marvel, March 1964), plot by Stan Lee, script and pencils by Larry Lieber, inks by George Roussos, letters by Sam Rosen
...or on a lonely asteroid out in space...
from "The Watcher Must Die!" in Tales of Suspense #58 (Marvel, October 1964), script by Stan Lee, pencils and inks by George Tuska, letters by Artie Simek
...perhaps on Planet T-37X (the miracle ingredient in new improved "Cleeno")...
from Tales of Suspense #57 (Marvel, September 1964), plot by Stan Lee, script and pencils by Larry Lieber, inks by George Roussos, letters by Sam Rosen
Now here's ticked-off, we're-not-gonna-take-it Uatu threatening to beat you to a bloody pulp, punk, straight from his "distant spinning sphere":
from Tales of Suspense #54 (Marvel, September 1964), plot by Stan Lee, script and pencils by Larry Lieber, inks by George Roussos, letters by Sam Rosen
But I think we can all agree that no matter how many times he was evicted by his previous landlords due to his poor sanitary habits and multiple bounced checks, he eventually wound up on the moon...
from "Hands Off!" in Tales of Suspense #49 (Marvel, January 1964), plot by Stan Lee, script and pencils by Larry Lieber, inks by George Roussos, letters by Sam Rosen
...where, because he forgot to draw his blinds, Uatu attracted the attention of Hulk-foe The Leader, aka "Peeping Tom."
from "Another World, Another Foe!" in Tales to Astonish #73 (Marvel, November 1965), script by Stan Lee, breakdowns by Jack Kirby, finishes by Bob Powell, letters by Artie Simek
And then, the 1960s arrived...and the Space Race was on! Pausing only to gather a crew of his college roommate, his girlfriend, and her teenage brother...
from Fantastic Four (1961 series) #1 (Marvel, November 1961), script by Stan Lee, pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by George Klein
...super-genius Reed Richards, inventor of the Space Food Stick, launched his incredible rocket towards the stars!
And of course, we all know how well that went.
So, a little while later, they tried again. This time with better shielding, but still bringing the kid brother, which only goes to prove: Reed Richards is rock stupid.
from Fantastic Four #13 (Marvel, April 1963), script by Stan Lee, pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Steve Ditko, letters by Artie Simek
Little did they know that they would be raced to the moon by that sinister supervillain...The
Thoughtfully, they both launch their super-powered rocket ships to the moon at the same time. Who will get there first? Who?
Read the following word balloon aloud. Now, try it without laughing:
The FF land their rocket in the mysterious Blue Area of the Moon* (*not to be confused with Paul Newman's 'Bleu Cheese Salad Dressing'). Touchdown! So...here it is...the fateful moment...who is...the first man on the moon? Who is it? Who is it?
Eh, it's a stinkin' Commie ape.
So, there you go. The first human to set foot upon the lunar surface is Ivan Kragoff, Soviet Ape Trainer. Put that in your history book and smoke it, Tom Hanks!
Except...
...for just one thing...
When the Uncanny Neil n' Buzz, The Strangest Fighting Team of All Time, set their corrugated boots upon the moon, they're astonished to discover...Happy Fun Ball!
from "Unto You Is Born...The Doomsman!" in Astonishing Tales (1970 series) #1 (Marvel, August 1970), script by Roy Thomas, pencils and inks by Wally Wood, letters by Artie Simek
After Buzz was done punching it, the astronauts brought it back to Earth and smartly handed it off like the hot potato it was to our feloniest American president, Richard M. Nixon.
Yep, that's right, fanboys...Victor von Doom was the first man on the moon, and don't you forget it! It was Doctor Doom landed his custom-made rocket ship in the moon's eye like a big pizza pie, and it was Doom who mined all that valuable moon cheese and took it back to Latveria for Doomstadt Cheesefestival '68, at which he took home five blue ribbons for his piquant and tart "fromage de lune," narrowly beating out Herr Hermann Kase, who swore endless revenge upon Doctor Doom, donning armor, a metal mask, and a rubber cheese head to become the Balkans' most feared avenger, "Der Cheesemeister!"
So there you go...now you know...The Rest of the Story. And the next time someone suggests you make a wish on the Man in the Moon...don't forget that you're really giving thanks to Doctor Doom! And, uh, Lieutenant Columbo.
from Tales Designed to Thrizzle #8
Oh, also also the Hulk was there too. TODAY IN COMICS HISTORY!
variant "time travel" cover of Indestructible Hulk #14 (December 2013), art by Mukesh Singh
Anyway, without further ado, here's actually what happened today:
from Marvel: The Lost Generation #6 (Marvel, September 2000), co-plot and script by Roger Stern, co-plot and pencils by John Byrne, inks by Al Milgrom, colors by Matt Hicks, letters by Jack Morelli
Like I always say: history oughta be fun. Also, filled with doom. And punching! Bye!
from Fantastic Four: Life Story #1 (Marvel, July 2021), script by Mark Russell, pencils and inks by Sean Izaakse, colors by Nolan Woodard, letters by Joe Caramagna
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