My review of the Transformers movie.

So! I went yesterday to the AMC Empire 25 to see that big new Transformers movie all the kids are abuzz about. It's very busy seeing a movie on the Fourth of July. Seriously! I had to dart in and out of everyone's legs with my big bucket of popcorn and my giant Coke, all the while holding my ticket stub in my little mouth. There were so many people stepping all around me I was afraid I was going to get squished! Haven't you people got family barbecues to go to? Go eat some hot dogs, for Pete's sake!

Well, I finally squeeze my way into the dark dark theater just in time to play "Coca Cola Screen Play," which is always an exciting and thrilling way to pass the time before the movie forty minutes of previews start. It is very fun to play these fast-moving trivia games. Just for fun, next time you see one, shout out into the theater "ANGELINA JOLIE!" as the answer to every question. I like the fill-in-the-blank puzzles a lot. "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doo_". Doop! Oh wait, I was sure that was the answer.

Fourteen Steve Carrell previews later, Transformers starts. Wah-hoo! I am so excited I spill some of my popcorn on the floor. It would not be such a big deal but I had earlier sprinkled a bag of M&Ms in with them. Also, gummy bears.

So what did I think of the movie? It was pretty good! The effects were amazing and the plot just kept racing along so I would never be able to guess what happened next. I was very impressed by some of the big name stars they got to appear in the movie...seriously, did you ever think you would see George Clooney up on the big screen? Playing Optimus Prime? Me neither! The CGI effects they used were pretty amazing as well....Optimus Prime looks amazingly lifelike and realistic, like you could reach out and touch him, even though this movie were not in 3D. Which was a little disappointing, because I was wearing the glasses and all. Unlike many of the Transformers fanboys complaining online before the movie opened, I didn't even mind that you could see Clooney's lips move. He totally brought excitement and gravitas to the role of Prime. I think we are talking an Academy Award nomination here! Mr. Clooney is a handsome, handsome man and whatever they paid him for this role was not enough.

In fact, who'da thunk that you'd see the amazing cast they got to play the Autobots and Decepticons? Wow, they must have spent a lot of money to hire Don Cheadle to play Jazz and Matt Damon as Bumblebee. Don't you feel Brad Pitt was the perfect choice for Rachet? And oooh, Al Pacino as Megatron? Scary, scary man, absolutely perfect for the role. And Ellen Barkin as...I dunno, The Baroness or something. I couldn't figger out who she was playing, to be honest.

Usually I'm not a big fan of director Michael Bay. I had my hooves over my eyes during most of Armageddon, a very very loud movie which scared me very much. I do not want to see New York City destroyed, thank you very much! I think that film should have been titled Armageddon-outta-here! I did not see Bad Boys, and therefore I was lost and all at sea in trying to understand the subtle character development and intricate, Proustian plot of Bad Boys II. And I liked The Island much better when it was called Parts: The Clonus Horror. Still, Scarlett Johansson...that makes up for something, doesn't it?

Anyway. Michael Bay. I was expecting to see a lot of big explosions and car chases and sky-diving falls and crashes and booms and bangs and Mister Bay very much impressed me with a much subtler story that really delved into the personalities and wittiness of our favorite robots in disguise. It was sort of a "Transformers go Vegas" treatment in which the good guys were running a con game against the bad guys. You know, it is very nice in this violent day and age to see a film in which action characters can use their heads instead of their fists. I commend that philosophy.



That said, I have to admit much of the movie surprised me. CGI George Clooney as Optimus Prime was pretty impressive, but unless I blinked, I didn't get to see him transforming from one shape to the other, and I never even really heard that distinctive transforming whir-click-snap-shu-shu-shu sound effect we all know and love. I'm kind of skeptical about the decision that all the robots were human size and never grew to giant proportions and fought each other towering over the buildings of Las Vegas. And there was a whole lengthy sequence about dice and lighters that I thought was going to lead to something real Transformy cool—like giant transforming dice and lighters fighting each other! But it didn't work out that way. Hmmm, the movie was really crowded and everyone seemed to be having a great time, but when I think about it a lot it really was a weird Transformers movie...with George Clooney and Matt Damon and Don Cheadle and Elliott Gould and all...

(re-looking at my ticket stub)

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Curse you, AMC Empire 25!