All of a sudden I'm channeling Sleestak

Today I gathered up my carefully clipped coupons, got out my little push grocery cart, rolled it down the slope to Seventh Avenue and went grocery shopping. Among other things (Tuna fish! Cinnamon bread! That cereal that comes in the bag and is only $1.99 and tastes as good as the fancy stuff!), I picked up two of my very favorite foodstuff items:


Why, those two things are the very staples of a delicious meal, aren't they? Delicious rich, ice-cold creamy milk and savory, crispy Bac-Os® that give just the right zest and crunch-appeal to a lovely salad. However, as I'm a big fan of reading the small print, I couldn't help noticing the following:

"Milk from real cows"

Um, Cream-O-Land Dairy, what's the alternative? I s'pose they are trying to make a point that either A) this is not biogenetically altered or engineered milk or B) this is not milk from goats, dogs, or chickens, but is this really the best way to phrase it? "Milk from real cows? Why, that's so much better than milk from imaginary cows. Or fictional cows. Or little stuffed cows."

So. I am having milk from real cows for my dinner tonight. And on my salad I will sprinkle only slightly-bacony Bac-Os®. But what's this? Let's have a peek at the side label small print:

"Refrigerate after opening for added freshness and convenience"

Um, I'm all for keeping food fresh, but like Hershey's chocolate syrup (which never lasts more than a couple days around the Bull household anyway), do you really need to put this in the icebox to prevent spoiling? This ain't bacon, folks. These are carbonized bits of fictional pig. If there was ever a need label any item with the words "bacon from non-real pigs", Bac-Os® would be that item. Are these things really gonna spoil if I put them in the pantry? Let's read the list of ingredients:

Defatted Soy Flour, Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil, Water, Salt, Sugar, Artificial and Natural Flavor, Red 40 and Other Color Added, Soy Sauce (Water, Wheat, Soybeans, Salt), Hydrolyzed Vegetable Protein (Corn, Soy, Wheat).

And below that it says

Contains no meat or animal fat

Well, that's the thing you need to watch out for spoiling, meat and animal fat. Not "admittedly savory but completely artificial pieces of pseudo-bacon that probably have more than one ingredient in common with Lego."

Okay, okay, I'm making a mountain out of a porkchop. You win this round, Betty Crocker: I won't risk fictional trichinosis and I will put my Bac-Os® in the icebox to keep them not only cool but fresh as a daisy in spring. But the full line read

"Refrigerate after opening for added freshness and convenience"

For convenience? Betty, honey, if I want convenience I'll be storing this in my bed so I can get at 'em when I'm hungry at midnight.

Moral of the story: let's eat! And never read fine print.