Reid targets illegal immigrants
A new clampdown is aimed at preventing "foreigners" coming to the UK illegally and "stealing our benefits" and NHS services, [British Home Secretary] John Reid has said. Reid told the BBC he wanted to make life "uncomfortable and constrained" for illegal immigrants.
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The Home Office plans include a proposal to run a pilot scheme to send text messages reminding people not to overstay their visas.
"This new approach will make life in this country ever more uncomfortable and constrained for those who come here illegally," the home secretary said.
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Shadow home secretary David Davis accused John Reid of giving up on trying to deport hundreds of thousands of illegal immigrants, preferring to "spam them with text messages".
Shadow immigration minister Damian Green said: "The idea that you are texting someone, saying that we are on your trail, is just a joke. Do they have the mobile numbers of more than half a million illegal immigrants? No, of course they don't."
Now, the UK is lightyears beyond us in mobile phone technology (I think they have cellulars that, when stolen, will shout aloud ''Elp! 'Elp! I'm bein' pinched! Strewth!"), and the idea of texting someone them the equivalent of "'Allo, 'allo, what's all this then?" isn't so outrageous when you consider that only last month MI-5 instituted a new programme where you could sign up to receive terror and threat alerts via email on your mobile or Blackberry. Giving you, I suppose, just enough time to duck into Tesco Metro for some cheap plonk and an aubergine before hopping on the Northern Line back to your flat to hide behind the lorry up the apple and pears. But I got to wonderin', as I often do: there are American industralists and media moguls who pay very close attention to what goes on, technology-wise, in the UK and in Europe, with an eye towards adapting it to the US market.
My point (and I do have one) is that this is exactly the sort of technology Tony Stark would be keeping a close eye on, wouldn't he? And there's a perfect use in today's modern Earth-616 for it, isn't there? Why, let's check it out in action...I think it would go something like this:
(SCENE: the middle of a battle between Spider-Man and Wolverine versus...oh, I dunno, take your pick...ninjas, Kraven the Hunter, M.O.D.O.K....don't really matter):
WOLVERINE: Fastball special, Webhead!
SPIDEY: You got it, partner! We'll take [these rejects from a Bruce Lee movie/Steve Irwin impersonator/grotesque giant floating head] down a peg or two!
SOUND EFFECT: (cellular phone ring tone: The Spider-Man theme song)
SPIDEY: Whoa, that's me. Hang on a second. (pulls out his cellular) Hey, I got a message.
WOLVERINE: Lemme see, bub. Another "special" photo from M.J.?
SPIDEY: Keep it in your pants, Canucklehead. No, look, it's a text message: "You are unregistered under the Superhuman Powers Registration Act. Please report immediately to the Negative Zone for processing and reassignment. Love, Tony."
WOLVERINE: Gosh, Spidey! I'm the best there is at what I do, but even I can't escape a threatening text message! They're sure to track you down now! How the heck're you gonna escape this one, huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?
(Spider-Man throws his cell phone into the East River)
WOLVERINE: Oh. That way. That was easy.
SOUND EFFECT: (cellular phone ring tone: "Take Off" by Geddy Lee)
WOLVERINE: Hang on, that's mine.
SPIDER-MAN: Threatening message from Stark?
WOLVERINE: Naw, booty call from She-Hulk.
I think it would be even more entertaining if you picture the whole scene performed by Chris Giarrusso's Mini-Marvels!:
"'Allo, 'allo, what's all this then?"
ReplyDeleteIts spell "wot", not "what,"...sigh...
You called me out on that but not on "lorry," Adam?
ReplyDeleteGorblimey, I'm gobsmacked. No seriously, that was FABULOUS! Spamming illegal aliens...why hasn't Cheney picked up on this yet?
ReplyDeleteThat's fantastic!
ReplyDeleteAlthough I hate to double-post, having read your post again I must say...
ReplyDeleteI'm British and I don't understand what "lorry up the apple and pears" means. It sounds kind of dirty, though. I'm sure you wouldn't go in for crude slang would you, though, little stuffed Bull?
Lorry=truck. Apple and pears=stairs. The lorry part doesn't make any sense and now I can't remember why I wrote it!
ReplyDeleteHaw! It's the "Love, Tony" that really sells it.
ReplyDeleteAlso, thanks for reminding me about why I hate Cockney rhyming slang. I presume that, as with all Cockney rhyming slang, "apples and pairs" sometimes gets shortened to "apples," effectively removing the part that had even the teensiest connection to what it's supposed to mean. Apples = stairs? Wot's all this then indeed, Cockneys!
Apples = stairs? Wot's all this then indeed, Cockneys!
ReplyDeleteBB, what I know about Cockney rhyming slang is mostly anecdotal and almost certainly not scholarly, but it's said that the reason for dropping the rhyming portion of the slang (for example: 'Take good butcher's at that, mate!' = butcher's hook = look) was originally to purposefully obfuscate (thank you, word of the day calendar) your speech from eavesdroppers, a la the Victorian era criminal underworld slang (which I don't remember any of, but either could be discovered by hoppin' in yoru handy-dandy time machine, or by reading John Gardner's excellent if bawdy Professor Moriarty mysteries). It's believed by some that might be the derivation of the word "slang": "secret language" or "s-lang."
Granted, a lot of this I came across from reading questionable British novels (gotta luv 'em!) but in a Mighty Bully Moment of self-promotion, take a bucther's at the short film I made of one of the London Walks I took over Christmas, in which Jean the Pearly Queen explains Cockney rhyming slang, the language of the costers, and even sings like an angel for a little. Luvly.
Cockney rhyming slang is currently so commercialized and "quaint," however, that of course you can now buy guides to it in any London tourist trap gift shop, and there are even Cockney Rhyming Slang advertisements.
Who says this isn't the Boistrous Bully Age of Learning Something New Every Day? And I'm not tellin' porkies.
Hey, can we all make fun of american stereotypes now, and perhaps use all sorts of outdated slang to make them look foolish too?
ReplyDeleteOr should be just quote the president?
You're very welcome to make any fun you want of American stereotypes at all, Anonymous. We are, indeed, all a pack of Big Mac-swillin', WFF-cravin', Britney Spears-lustin', Civil War-buyin' rednecks under our skins, after all.
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, if you think that I mean any sort of venom or malice towards British people and their culture, you most certainly have not read my blog and know of my deep love and respect for virtually all things British.
The best part of Cockney Rhyming Slang is using it a bit and then inventing the rest so you sound like a barking lunatic.
ReplyDelete"Talkin' to the Trouble about me new China, I get Ruggles to Carpet, then, next thing I know, Hoadley Wood!"
Outdated slang is fun. The best are old-tymey swear words, like "consarn" and "dagnab."
As a service to any foreign folk who'd like to irritate Americans in like fashion, I recommend combining faux-cowboy slang with hip-hop speech. "I moseyed over to the hizzle, where my fly honey had a burr under her saddle about some peckerwood hater." Heh.
Thanks for posting that. I hadn't heard about it.
ReplyDeleteAlso, your Spidey/Wolvie skit is the bee's knees.
Daddy-o.
Bully, have you read any Henry Mayhew? "London Labour And The London Poor"? Apparently the rhyming slang was a replacement for an older thieves' cant whose secret was becoming too well-known...
ReplyDeleteMy friend Ed turned me on to this, after hearing (if I'm remembering what he said correctly) that Alan Moore likes to use it as a sourcebook. Fascinating reading; I recommend it.
...Big Mac-swillin', WFF-cravin', Britney Spears-lustin', Civil War-buyin...
ReplyDeleteIs that part of a new, retro-styled Pepsi ad?