Civil War: The Original Series

And now: a little Civil War pageant written by Bully, starring Bully (me!) and my kid sister Marshall:

Scene: The White House, September, 1862. President ABRAHAM LINCOLN (Bully) is working at his desk. Enter General ULYSSES S. GRANT (Marshall)

LINCOLN (Bully): Hi hi hi Sam!
GRANT (Marshall): Hi hi hi hi hi Mister President!
LINCOLN: How goes this terrible, costly war of ours? We'll still win the war by Christmastime, right?
GRANT: Well, that's kinda what I wanted to talk to you about. We're a little behind schedule.
LINCOLN: Behind schedule? How is that possible? Didn't we plan all this out?
GRANT: Well, some battles are running a little late, so we had to reschedule the whole bunch of them.
LINCOLN: Isn't that a kick in the pants! Isn't there anything you can do?
GRANT: Not unless you can change the course of time and the laws of physics, Mister President.
LINCOLN: What about that thing where I sent all my other generals the same whiskey you were drinking? Didn't that work?
GRANT: I act'lly think that's part of the problem in the first place, Mister President.
LINCOLN: Did you tell them that a house divided against itself cannot stand?
GRANT: Yes, but everybody was kinda confused by that House of L thing. Does General Lee still have all his powers after it or what? Even I'm not sure from month to month.
LINCOLN: Well. That's not good news. What kind of delay are we looking at? January? March?
GRANT: April, at least, sir.
LINCOLN: Well then, by next Spring, we'll...
GRANT: April '64, Mister President.
LINCOLN: Golly. That's a big delay.
GRANT: At least by '64. Maybe later.
LINCOLN: Can't we just do a fill-in battle or something?
GRANT: That won't be very popular, sir. We'll get skewered in the telegraphosphere by all the War buffs.
LINCOLN: Well, there's not much to be done, then, is there? If we can't do it fast, we can at least do it right. It's the least we owe the fans.
GRANT: And the soldiers, sir.
LINCOLN: Well, duh.
OFFSTAGE VOICE: Mister Frederick Douglass is here to see you, President Lincoln.
LINCOLN: Send him in. Ah, my good friend Douglass! How are you?
DOUGLASS (Samuel L. Jackson): Abe! What's this I hear about the mother****ing War running late?
(ALL turn to audience and bow. Everyone APPLAUDS. Exeunt.)