Bah! Doom does not comprehend the fascination of these flimsy, overpriced, adolescent power fantasies have to you, unless it is to fuel some inferiority that all beings must feel given the existence of Doom. Nor do I comprehend the concept of "collectibility": while Doom admires and respects a thing of beauty, all items must serve an end and a purpose, whether 'tis to give a castle the regal splendor befitting its monarch, or to serve as a tool with which to destroy the accursed Richards and his foolish cohorts for all time. No purpose is served in storing items which have cost you money in small snug plastic bags and hiding them away that Doom can perceive, especially when you consider the cost of purchasing them on the weekly salary of such poorly paid lackey wages as you surely make. Doom considers comics are poor value for money.
Doom is also angered at the injustice shown to this man by the giant faceless corporations of the industry. He was one of the few men Doom respected enough to allow him to portray me, and he did so with the proper representation of power and regalness. I do not believe this man was afraid of me—his was the personality that suggested he was afraid of no man, Doom included—but I can respect such a man of honor, conviction, and intense skills.
Finally, Doom does not subscribe to the saying "Comics Oughta [sic] Be Fun." There is no true need for anything to be "fun," much less colored pieces of paper stapled together and distributed to the masses like some addictive narcotic. Doom instead demands you subscribe to the undeniable concept that comics must be worthy of Doom!
Let us examine this week's offerings and determine which comics shall fulfill this obligation and which shall fail.
52 WEEK 10: This comic is worthy of Doom. What better way to appease Doom than to offer him a comic upon which a hero falls to his certain death on the cover? Doom admits he does not recognize many of the characters in this so-called "funnybook," but the equal emphasis on the weak and pathetic "heroes" and the powerful and controlling force that some call villains makes this an Earth I would consider a challenge to visit—and conquer. Doom must give especial praise to the considerable space afforded to Black Adam, another international monarch who understands the needs of keeping a tight grip over his country. This Adam appears to be a formidable opponent, and forming an alliance with him at first to use him to my ends may prove beneficial to the Lord of Latveria. Doom was even compelled by the ending, with the promise of an all-powerful worm, and wishes, nay, demands that the next issue be in place in no more than one week's time, available at that gathering place of the great unwashed, the "comic book store." Doom will be waiting for you, 52 Week 11. This I promise.
A MAN CALLED KEV #1: This comic is worthy of Doom. Upon arrival in the place of business where the tiny bovine purchases these comics, Doom swept his gauntlet across the rack of gaudy pamphlets and demanded: "Bah! Show me a book that does not feature a simplistically moral 'hero.' Show me a book that demonstrates the folly of humanity and the righteousness of those in power. Show me a book the tiny bovine would have been afraid to buy; that would make him cower and shake in fear." The shop attendant handed me A Man Called Kev. While it is filled with the uttermost profanities and near-pornographic violence that its possession in Latveria would be cause for instant and justifiable punishment, this story interests Doom for displaying the greed and foolishness of a weak man and the whirlwind of violence he reaps from his mistakes, yet he does not fall into the trap, like the accursed Richards, of trying to do well to others. He is looking out merely for himself, which shall serve him well in his life and career. Doom is also pleased this seems to be the first "Kev" series without those odious guest-stars The Authority, whose appearances have been growing thin in previous series. Doom salutes you, Garth Ennis—you are a dangerous and violent man. Doom can respect that.
DOOM PATROL #18: This comic is not worthy of Doom. Doom has been tricked and betrayed by this comic; he purchased it based solely on its title and was later angered and infuriated that it has nothing whatsoever to do with me at all. Doom does not enjoy being tricked, and vengeance shall fall upon those responsible. I promise, that no more issues of this mockery of the name of Doom shall disgrace the industry—consider yourself, "Doom Patrol," in the parlance of your medium, canceled. Doom has spoken!
THE ESCAPISTS #1: This comic is both worthy, and at the same time unworthy, of Doom. Doom does not subscribe to the sort of "hero worship" bandied about as a theme of this book, and yet it is a story oddly compelling: a man who, despite the foolishness of those about him, works and strives to achieve his dream of total and complete authority over what he wishes. Doom admits a respect for that, as well as a clear and straightforward story with an interesting twist at the end. What Doom does not respect is the realization that he has read this story already in an issue of Michael Chabon Presents The Escapist; it is a reprint to remind Doom of what has happened already, wrapped up in a new gaudy cover by Frank Miller. One might argue that this book was a necessity to launch new stories in this series, and that it only costs one American dollar. Still, Doom did not realize this. Doom demands that if such japery is to be performed in the future, it be clearly marked with a sticker or balloon on the cover that says "Attention my Lord Doom: Contents are a reprint." Take this as warning, Brian K. Vaughan, Philip Bond, and you as well, Michael Chabon, else you learn the truth of an old Latverian proverb: "Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, Doom shall destroy you—utterly destroy you."
THE SENSATIONAL SPIDER-MAN #28: This comic is worthy of Doom. Close your surprised jaw, lackey—you heard Doom correctly. Doom does not make mistakes in that manner. Yes, "this comic is worthy of Doom," despite the fact that it stars that upstart popinjay Spider-Man, one of the most constant and annoying thorns in the regal hand of Doom after the despised Richards. One example of this is Spider-Man's clear sense in adopting an armored costume of great power and versatility; no doubt he has learned his lesson in his many defeats at the hand of Doom that armor will protect his soft underbelly. Even more worthy of Doom, however, is the conceit that Spider-Man has "revealed" his secret identity as the photographer Peter Parker. Doom is greatly amused by and in admiration at this development and raises his chalice in respect to Spider-Man's clear but effective plan to draw attention away from what must be his true identity, for surely this milquetoast tool of the American media cannot be the insolent yet powerful opponent Doom has crossed swords with in the past. Surely this is part of a greater plan to distract and deceive the American public, and Spider-Man is to be commended with paying Parker to "admit" he is Spider-Man. Doom knows the truth, however—no man with the power and strength of the spider would be content to remain a faceless no one, a photographer and teacher struggling to support his trollop of a wife and his infirm and feeble aunt. The true Spider-Man knows and appreciates the meaning of power, and would not lower himself to such a life. His use of Parker as a distractionary pawn is to be commended, and I look with interest towards future stories to see in which manner this pawn must be sacrificed to serve Spider-Man's ends. I salute you, Spider-Man: you are more ruthless and clever than I gave you credit for.
ULTIMATE FANTASTIC FOUR #31: This comic is worthy of Doom. Zombies threaten the safety of the Baxter Building. The whelp Johnny Storm is infected with some debilitating disease. These elements alone would be enough to make Doom content, yet there is even more: in this issue, as should be in every issue, Doom is triumphant over Reed Richards. Is there indeed any other way a comic book should, nay, must end? Richards is broken and imprisoned within the scarred shell he himself inflicted upon me, and I am free and empowered in the body of Richards to destroy the Fantastic Four from within. It is not enough to defeat Richards either, at the end of the issue he is in tears, for I have completely and utterly humiliated him. Not for naught is this character justly named Ultimate Doom, for as he says in the best utterance by Doom of this week: "You told people that I'd made a mistake. You told them the accident was my miscalculation...and that, dear trash, was an insult to my honor." Doom applauds the new direction of this comic heartily and awards it the comic most worthy of Doom this week. Clearly we can look forward to dozens, nay, hundreds of succeeding issues in which Doom inflicts his vengeance monthly upon the Fantastic Four.
MARVEL ADVENTURES: FANTASTIC FOUR #14: This comic is not worthy of Doom. Doom vows vengeance upon the misbegotten creature who slipped this pathetic rag into Doom's pull bag this week. As I have just declared, Doom does not read these simplistic moral fables of his most hated enemies unless they display what is the one true and obvious conclusion: that Doom must and will triumph in every instance, and, barring the appearance of Doom, the Fantastic Four must run from danger like young swatted whelps with their tails between their legs. Doom especially did not find this tripe of the Fantastic Four battling the Grandmaster as fit for human reading—even the younger population for whom it is apparently intended. Instead, Doom suggests this profane piece of propaganda be ground up and fed to the pigs as swill, for that is all it is fit for, although those pigs shall surely vomit it up again. No respect is to be afforded the Grandmaster, either, whose deathtraps and conundrums for the accursed Four are clichéd, hackneyed, and unworthy of the machinations of a truly great mind such as Doom would use. Doom laughed heartily at the foolish Biblical paradox allusion that Richards used to defeat a computer. Were the Fantastic Four in the same situations they are in this magazine but under the thumb of Doom, their lifeless bodies would be even now paraded through the streets. Doom supposes he owes a debt of gratitude to the Grandmaster for allowing the Fantastic Four to believe they can escape from any deathtrap, for it will make their defeat at my own hand even more sweet. Yet Doom has naught but contempt for the Grandmaster, and upon the next time I rightfully reclaim the power cosmic from that glittering fool the Silver Surfer, this universal elder shall at last know the meaning of fear as Doom defeats first him, and then Richards. Despite the ending of this accursed comic book, I shall destroy you, Richards! Destroy you!
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