Today in Comics History: That sexy French feather duster from Beauty and the Beast sweeps away the text stories in Variety

Panel from Silverblade #1 (September 1987), script by Cary Bates, pencils by Gene Colan, inks by Steve Mitchell, colors by Joe Orlando, letters by Gaspar Saladino

Comics' Stupidest Titles: ...And Starring Joan Crawfish

If you read 'em long enough, you'll find more than a fair share of tone-deaf, dumb-ass comic book story titles, and no, I wouldn't even dare count the class Stan Lee-isms like "And Lo — There Shall Come an Ending!" (Part 3 of Five). No, let's reserve this feature for the worst of the worst, the cheesiest, the corniest, the stupidest titles in comics. Titles like this watersogged "classic:"


Splash page from "There Are No Wire Hangers Underwater!" in Iron Man Annual (1976 series) #10 (September 1989), script by Fabian Nicieza, pencils by Don Perlin, inks by Don Ald, colors by T. Fine, letters by Rick Parker
It's only 1989, which means that I can't use my What can we say? It was the nineties tag. You can pretty much agree that the nineties began in the eighties, however, what with the introduction of chrominum covers, Venom, Batman: The Killing Joke, and the New Teen Titans' Danny Chase. Also: the beginning of single-story mega-crossover events in comics annuals, which will eventually lead to Eclipso: The Darkness Within, The Terminus Factor, JLApe, and perhaps the world's worst summer event since the invention of that ice cream van song: Bloodlines. But it all started here in 1989's Atlantis Attacks, in which former President Jimmy Carter, media mogul Ted Turner, and redneck comic Jeff Foxworthy waged war against the entire Marvel Universe…oh, excuse me, I've made another one of my silly mistakes. That's Atlanta Attacks.

Anyway, "There Are No Wire Hangers Underwater!" continues the saga of true blue Atlantean Andromeda, former member of the Defenders and future member of the underwater heroic team named (groan) "Deep Six." I was fairly sure that she was a member of the Avengers during the hazy, please-try-to-forget-them latter years of Avengers Volume 1, circa Deathcry and Teen Tony Stark, but I was wrong. That's how memorable Andromeda is: she wasn't in the worst years of the Avengers.

But she is returning home to Atlantis pretty much concurrent with it attacking, since beloved bare-torsoed fishy king Namor is believed to be dead, floating face down on the surface of the ocean. Not so: Namor would be non-dead for many more years until finally meeting his fate in that epic battle against the Gorton's Fisherman in 2012's limited series Namor No More. Also not realistic: that weirdass, appearently waterproof version of the Times of London, which in real life doesn't look anything like it's portrayed in this panel. For one thing, there's no crispy and delivious fish 'n' chips wrapped inside it.


Andromeda, wearing the world's least aero- water-dynamic boots, is determined to find out the villain behind the plot of Atlantis Attacks! But since she can't find Tom DeFalco, she's going to confront her own Daddie Dearest, the fearsome Attuma! Or as she calls him: the clam behind the madness. I dunno, I woulda gone with "the clam before the storm." But I'm shellfish that way.


The (stupid!) title of the story is a reference to the 1981 cult classic movie Mommie Dearest, and I'm pretty sure including Joan Crawford in this not-entirely-Iron Man story would have improved it immensely.


Instead, we get Andromeda's dad and Namor nemesis Attuma. I haven't read the rest of this story, serialized across several issues of Atlantis Attacks, but I'm just betting one of the sequels is titled "Attuma with a View."


Thus follows the most anti-climatic battle in the history of Iron Man Annual #10: Andromeda confronts Attuma, Attuma threatens Andromeda, Attuma gets all creepy, Andromeda runs swims away. Also, he insults Andromeda's mom (Andmomeda?) Lady Gelva by calling her a sea cow. I dunno, for some reason I myself don't see that as a insult, personally.


TO BE CONTINUED! In X-Factor #4.


X-Factor Annual #4 is pretty cool because it has artwork by Walt Simonson and John Byrne, an appearance by Jake and Elwood Blues…


Panels from "Inferno Aftermath" in X-Factor Annual #4 (September 1989), script by Mark Gruenwald, pencils by Jim Fern, inks by Joe Rubinstein, colors by Greg Wright, letters by Joe Rosen
...but best yet, it doesn't actually contain a continuation of the Andromeda story. Thus not giving us exactly what we don't want! Hooray for comics!

Today in Comics History: Policeman's tragic death changes gritty crime series into DC Adventures comic

Panels from C.O.W.L. #6 (November 2014), script by Kyle Higgins and Alec Siegel, pencils and inks by Elsa Charretier, colors by Rod Reis, letters by Troy Peteri

Today in Comics History: Multi-Man has the last laugh by stealing horoscopes from beyond the grave

Panel from Challengers of the Unknown (1991 limited series) #8 (October 1991), script by Jeph Loeb, pencils and inks by Tim Sale, colors by Lovern Kindzierski, letters by Bob Pinaha

Today in Comics History: J. Michael Straczynski takes four issues to prove he's no Rod Serling

Panels from The Twilight Zone (Dynamite 2013 series) #9 (October 2014), script by J. Michael Straczynski, pencils and inks by Guiu Violanova, colors by Vinicius Andreade, letters by Rob Steen



Panels from The Twilight Zone (Dynamite 2013 series) #10 (December 2014), script by J. Michael Straczynski, pencils and inks by Guiu Violanova, colors by Vinicius Andreade, letters by Rob Steen



Panels from The Twilight Zone (Dynamite 2013 series) #11 (January 2015), script by J. Michael Straczynski, pencils and inks by Guiu Violanova, colors by Vinicius Andreade, letters by Rob Steen


Panels from The Twilight Zone (Dynamite 2013 series) #12 (February 2015), script by J. Michael Straczynski, pencils and inks by Guiu Violanova, colors by Vinicius Andreade, letters by Rob Steen

Today in Comics History: Serifs cruelly ambush innocent headline

Panel from Translucid #3 (June 2014), script by Claudio Sanchez and Chondra Echert, pencils and inks by Daniel Bayliss, colors by Adam Metcalfe, letters by Ed Dukeshire

Today in Comics History: Journalist dreams of naming a newspaper after her secret identity

Splash page from the Lady Danger story "The Dead Man's Chest" in Sensation Comics #85 (January 1949), script by Robert Kanigher, pencils by Bob Oksner, inks by Bernard Sachs
Also in this exciting story: the debut appearance of one of comics' most beloved characters!


Luckily, he took that exact advice, which enable him to become a major star in the comic book and movie world:


Panel from Guardians of the Galaxy (2013 series) #3 (August 2013); script by Brian Michael Bendis; pencils by Steve McNiven and Sara Pichelli; inks by John Dell, Steve McNiven, and Sara Pichelli; colors by Justin Ponsor, letters by Cory Petit

Today in Comics History: Liberal media misrepresents news story, forgets to blame Obama

Panel from Translucid #2 (May 2014), script by Claudio Sanchez and Chondra Echert, pencils and inks by Daniel Bayliss, colors by Adam Metcalfe, letters by Ed Dukeshire

Today in Comics History: The Gotham Gazette just gives up and distributes a Xerox™ed newsletter

Panels from Detective Comics #608 (November 1989), script by Alan Grant, pencils by Norm Breyfogle, inks by Steve Mitchell, colors by Adrienne Roy, letters by Todd Klein
Also today: Batman goes FRATCH!


Fratch, everybody! Fratch.

Today in Comics History: Joker steals the second "H" from Daryl Hannah's name

Splash page from Detective Comics #546 (January 1985), script by Doug Moench, pencils by Gene Colan, inks by Bob Smith, colors by Adrienne Roy, letters by Ben Oda

Today in Comics History: Man jumps to conclusions after reading blank newspaper

Panel from "Dial...City Morgue!" in Strange Tales #4 (December 1951), pencils and inks by Sol Brodsky

I sure hope J. Jonah Jameson fired somebody over that typo

So, within the first two minutes of the new Marvel Avengers Confidential: Black Widow & Punisher direct-to-DVD animated movie, we see a newspaper website displayed on a computer monitor:


Oh, for Pete's sake, movie. If you're going to take time to show us exposition on a screen, at least ensure it makes grammatical sense, huh? Also...


I'm pretty sure he doesn't have that symbol trademarked. And if he does, he's got a better lawyer than Matt Murdock.

All the news that fits in microprint

Well, the pundits have been telling us this for the past decade, and it must be true: print is dead. How do we know? We know it from that arbiter of truth and that chronicle of life in the thirtieth-century, the comic book adventures of The Legion of Super-Heroes!

Yes, the Legion will tell us that print...like this..is dead, dead, dead...


Because, in the thirtieth century...


Panel from the Tales of the Legion of Super-Heroes story "The Secret of the Mystery Legionnaire!" in Adventure Comics #305 (February 1963), script by Jerry Siegel, pencils and inks by John Forte, letters by Joe Letterese
...we'll all be reading this.


Honestly, it makes a nice change from the mid-2700s when we were all reading the Daily Planet on this:


Well, the benefit is that it did put to rest all those scurrilous accusations that the Daily Planet was nothing more than a mouthpiece for Six Flags Over Metropolis.


Just remember: the news media in the year 2963 may not be all that much more accurate than it is in 2014. DARN THESE LIBERAL-LEANING THOUGHT WAVES


Just remember that microfilm can never adequately express the outrage and sensation of the Daily Planet's greatest headline of all time:

Today in Halloween Comics History: Woman is terrified by incompetently designed newspaper

Panel from Ghost (2012 limited series) #3 (January 2013), script by Kelly Sue DeConnick, pencils and inks by Phil Noto, colors by Lee Loughridge, letters by Richard Starkings

Today in Comics History: Giitoy Saohn and Monote Thn Plom

Panel from "The Tick-Tock Traps of the Time Commander" in The Brave and the Bold #59 (April-May 1965), script by Bob Haney, pencils by Ramona Fradon, inks by Charles Paris
Say, where is Green Lantern?

Today in Comics History: The Daily Telegram switches to "all-headline" format

Panel from "The Storm" in Teen Confessions #93 (February 1976), pencils by Charles Nicholas, inks by Vince Alascia

Today in Comics History: Bruce and Tim learn to speak in italics

Panel from Batman: Orphans #2 (Late February 2011), script by Eddie Berganza, pencils by Carlo Barberi, inks by Juan Vlasco, colors by Chuck Pires and Michael J. DiMotta, letters by John Workman, Jr.

Today in Comics History: Alpha Flight's Sasquatch gets to visit the DC Universe

Page from Justice League: The Rise & Fall Special (May 2010), script by J. T. Krul, pencils and inks by Mike Mayhew, colors by Andy Troy, designed by Steve Wands

Today in Comics History: Newspapers forget how to justify columns

Panel from Batman: Golden Streets of Gotham graphic novel (2003), script by Jen Van Meter, pencils and inks by Cliff Chiang, colors by Dave Stewart, letters by John Workman

Today in Comics History: Northstar comes out; newspapers are so shocked they forget about basic design and typography

Page from Alpha Flight v.1 #106 (March 1992), script by Scott Lobdell, pencils by Mark Pacella, inks by Dan Panosian, colors by Bob Sharen