Countdown to Halloween: Jack Kirby's Monsters! Night Eleven: God Loves, Monster Gor-Kills

Gor-Kill! You know he's a monster who's bad, bad news, because he has two terrible words — "gore" and "kill" — in his name. It's sort of like "Slaughter-Wrecker" or "Deathblood" or "Carnage-Trump."


Cover of Tales of Suspense #12 (November 1960), pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by George Klein, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Artie Simek
Ever notice how lots of the titles of Marvel Monster-era stories are direct claims to fame? "I Created the Colossus!" "I Am the Living Ghost!" "I Created...Sporr! The Thing That Could Not Die!" "Only I Know When the World Will End!!!" Yeah, yeah, yeah, Stan...just like modern times, even back in the Atlas Age it's all about you. I bet you're gonna tell us next that you alone know the dread secret of Gor-Kill, the living demon, huh?


Splash page from "I Alone Know the Dread Secret of Gor-Kill, the Living Demon!" in Tales of Suspense #12 (November 1960), plot by Stan Lee (?), script by Larry Lieber (?), pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Dick Ayers, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Artie Simek
I'm probably not spoiling anything by telling you that "dread secret" is actually pretty darn obvious: Gor-Kill is made of water. And not that artisanal, three-bucks-a-bottle water: he's made out of good old-fashioned natural crystal-clear mountain stream water. Yes, long before the backlash against the ecological damage bottle water does to our world, Gor-Kill was kickin' it old school!


Frankly, I don't know why he wasn't just called "Hy-Dro," or "Ahh-Kwaa," or "Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens." What I do know is that he's terrifying this tiny Balkan village where the streets are paved with gold and people climb up on rooftops just for the heck of it. Awooooo, spooky water monster came from the sea or from the dam! But they don't realize he's made of water. Stupid peasants! Dr. Frankenstein was right, you all deserve to die!


How do you fight a water monster? Well, your attack plans have to be fluid arghhhh no I'm sorry for that one


The entire membership of The Guys with Unusual Ties bands up to battle Gor-Kill! Even Ramon, the guy who didn't have a tie but who had a cool green and yellow shirt, so they let him in anyway.


Only one man in the entire village realizes the deadly, moist truth of Gor-Kill! Ah ha, so that's why the story is titled "I Alone Know the Dread Secret of Gor-Kill, the Living Demon!" Y'know, I think more wacky crackpot conspiracy theory books oughta be titled like Marvel Monster stories. "I Alone Know the Dread Secret of the Kennedy Assassination!" "I Alone Have Seen That Jet Fuel Cannot Melt Steel!" "I Alone Know That Vaccinations Cause Autism!" Oh, if only it were just you, Jenny McCarthy.


The severed talking heads of the village elders are immediately sent to scoff at the obvious solution! Although, to his credit, Professor Xavier looks merely vaguely skeptical.


Two days of continuous water attacks by Gor-Kill have battered the once peaceful community into helplessness! I think we can all agree that this was perhaps not the best time for ruler Victor von Doom to declare "Brownie, you're doing a heckuva job!"


So 'round about now you're thinkin' what I am: science ways to destroy Gor-Kill. Let's see: we could deoxidize him to redeuce him to separate hydrogen and oxygen molecules! Or, we could shoot big flamethrowers at him until he turns into steam and floats away! Or, we could reduce the pressure in a big jar so that he flows into it against his will!

Eh, heck with up. Let's jus' blow him up with dynamite.. Boom! It's a sure-fire method of destruction, because as we all know, booms have never created anything.


Twist ending? Well, sorta. Our narrator may have alone known the dread secret of Gor-Kill, the living demon, but nobody believes him, and he gets locked up in the hoosegow for improperly using the town's cache of dynamite that they were saving for, I dunno, the beginning of World War I, I guess. Insert your own Law and Order thunk-thunk! here:


Haw haw! It's funny because he's incarcerated!

Countdown to Halloween: Jack Kirby's Monsters! Night Ten: I've paid my dues / Time after time / I've done my sentence / But committed no crime

Cover of Strange Tales #98 (July 1962), pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Steve Ditko, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Artie Simek
The Champion came down to Earth
He was lookin' for some guys to hit


Splash page of "No Human Can Beat Me!" from Strange Tales #98 (July 1962), plot by Stan Lee (?), script by Larry Lieber (?), pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Paul Reinman, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Ray Holloway (?)
He challenged humanity so hard
Our heads from our bodies split


He beat us all at wrasslin'
Tossin' every guy outta the ring


He knocked a baseball outta Yankee Stadium
To Long Island with just one swing


He challenged the greatest weight-lifter
By picking up his stand


He golfed eighteen straight holes in one
And not one ball into sand


He climbed the mightiest mountains
In just one leap and hop


He beat us all at every game
From checkers to Gnip Gnop


But then a guy named Johnny
Made the Champion start losin'


He said 'Don't come back, you son of a bitch
Earth's the best there is at snoozin'.



If you're, like me, a fan of the Ever-Lovin' Blue Eyed Thing, this tales probably reminds you of one of the great comics of the eighties, Marvel Two-in-One Annual #7, in which Cosmic Elder the Champion of the Universe challenges all of Earth mightiest heroes to a boxing match:


Page from Marvel Two-in-One Annual #7 (1982); script by Tom DeFalco; pencils by Ron Wilson; inks by Bob Camp, Mike Esposito, Frank Giacoia, Dan Green, Armando Gil, and/or Chic Stone; colors by George Roussos, letters by Jim Novak
But it's only Mister Grimm who can go the distance in the ring, round after round.


The Thing brings into four-color life that famous saying by Winston Churchill:


"Never, never, never give up."


Alongside with Superman vs. Muhammad Ali, it's one of the greatest comic book boxing stories of all time.


And it ends in a draw.


So, remember, in the words of Mister Charles Daniels: Johnny said, "Devil, just come on back if you ever wanna try again, I done told you once, you son of a bitch, I'm the best that's ever been."

365 Days with the Warriors Three, Day 221

Panel from Thor #313 (November 1981), script by Doug Moench, layouts by by Keith Pollard, finishes by Gene Day, colors by George Roussos, letters by Joe Rosen

The Name of This Post is Talking Heads