366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 361: The Day Jonah Was Killed by a Giant Snowball

Panels from "Piece of Cake" in Marvel Holiday Special 2007 one-shot (February 2008), script by Andrew Farago and Shaenon Garrity, pencils by Lou Kang, inks by Craig Yeung, colors by Chris Sotomayor, letters by Dave Sharpe

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 359: Come in, and know me better, spider-man

We started this festive holiday season by pointing out that J. Jonah Jameson was not unlike that famous curmudgeon of literature, stage, screen, and streaming-and-rebuffering-video, Ebenezer Scrooge. Which makes ya think, doesn't it? Why didn't, ya may be thinking, did Marvel never do a parody of that famous Christmas tale but starring J. Jonah Jameson?. Ya may well think that.

Ya'd be not far off reality, True Believer!


Splash page from "Jonah's Holiday Carol" in Marvel Holiday Special 2004 one-shot (January 2005), script by Tom DeFalco, pencils and inks by Takeshi Miyazawa, colors by Christina Strain, letters by Clem Robins
Of course, as Mister Magoo and Bill Murray would tell you, if you're going to be a Scrooge on Christmas Eve, you know what will happen, faster than you can say "Blackadder's Christmas Carol"...


First up, as Ghost of Christmas Past: Captain America! Technically if you're talking Marvel Comics History, that should be the Sub-Mariner, but Namor would just show him Tunas of Christmas Past, and I think we've all seen that old cliché plenty of times before.


CHECK IT OUT KID JONAH IS A FANBOY! Bwah-ha-ha-ha hey I wonder if he saved those in Mylar bags?


Next up! Funnyman Benjy Grimm, wearin' his unstable molecule snow pants. He's here to show Jonah that IT'S CHRISTMASIN' TIME! Also: that an A-Bomb may have awakened giant radioactive monsters. At last, the definite origin of Fin Fang Foom!


Even though this year Hanukkah falls on Christmas Eve, Ben has taken time out of his busy latke and brisket dinner to usher Jonah around The Present of whatever Christmas of 2005, whatever year it happens to be in the Marvel Universe, included showing him a world where Peter Parker is off swingin' around town. Also: he apparently is married to Mary Jane, so I can't even picture what universe that could possibly be.


Then it's off to your friendly neighborhood dive bar where nobody knows your name, even if you're former astronaut John Jameson (son of Jonah), fallen on hard times. Whoa, Christmas just got real. Real depressing.


Personally I woulda picked Spider-Man 2099 to be the Ghost of Christmas Future, but we just get the regular-flavored one. And how come there wasn't a spot for Ghost Rider in this Christmas story? On the other hand, I'd certainly be spooked outta my little stuffed wits if Tobey Maguire or Andrew Garfield dropped in as Christmas Yet to Come. Especially Garfield, as he's gonna be pretty cranky that tomorrow is Monday.


Silent Night, Peter died, that means no, mor-re Spide

r-Man


Then the Bugle goes outta business! Wow, this kinda looks like when the Impossible Man showed up at Marvel Comics HQ looking for Stan in X-Men Annual #7. Hey Jonah, the Bugle blew...out of town.


Hooray! The Spirits have done it all in one night half an hour, so there's still plenty of time for Jonah to crash the Christmas party. However, in the biggest disaster since Civil War II, all the pigs-in-a-blanket had already been eaten. And, to wrap up our round-up of holiday bonuses given from JJJ to Peter, we're back to him getting ten bucks for Christmas! Merry Christmas, Parker! Buy yourself a clue and form your own groundbreaking elctronics company! Later, in a Christmas miracle, he did.


Jonah was better than his word. He did it all, and infinitely more; and to Tiny Petey, who did not die, he was a second father. He became as good a friend, as good a master, and as good a man, as the good old city knew, or any other good old city, town, or borough, in the good old world. Some people laughed to see the alteration in him, but he let them laugh, and little heeded them; for he was wise enough to know that nothing ever happened on this globe, for good, at which some people did not have their fill of laughter in the outset; and knowing that such as these would be blind anyway, he thought it quite as well that they should wrinkle up their eyes in grins, as have the malady in less attractive forms. His own heart laughed: and that was quite enough for him.


Until he got the caterer's bill. Haw!


He had no further intercourse with Spirits, but lived upon the Total Abstinence Principle, ever afterwards; and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Jonah observed,

GET ME PICTURES OF SPIDER-MAN, EVERYONE!

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 355: Hix Nix Pick-Up Stix

Whatever will Jonah's Cheapsake Christmas Bonus be today? Could it be a ratty old teddy bear? Or a can of you'll-poke-your-eye-out Pick-Up Sticks?


Panels from "Not a Creature Was Stirring" in Marvel Holiday Special 1996 one-shot (December 1996), script by Mark Waid, pencils by Pat Olliffe, inks by Brett Breeding, colors by Joe Andreani, letters by Jon Babcock
Maybe this time it'll be a thousand dollar Christmas bonus...

Oh. A thousand dollars in confederate money.


On the bright side, Peter got bus money. Looks like a cool seventy-five cents, which is nothing to scoff at. (Except that Manhattan bus fare in 1996 was a buck fifty.)

Me, on the other hand...I like pick-up-sticks.

Today in Comics History: Nothing Really Exciting Happened

Last year on this date, good Bully fan Sean McGonegal Twittered:


Sean made a very good point: why didn't I post a "Today in Comics History" for his birthday? And as you can see, I promised him I'd do better this year, upon the name of one of the worst DC characters ever! So here we go, Sean...your birthday happens to be...the date Bucky Barnes entered the Army!


Panel from the Captain America story "Precious Gifts" in Marvel Holiday Special #1 (1991 one-shot), script by Len Kaminski, pencils by Ron Lim, inks by Jim Sanders III, colors by Marie Javins, letters by Roxanne Starr
Ummmm...okay. So as you can see, Sean, Today in Comics History...was something...that I really don't have a joke for.

We'll try again next year.

Happy Birthday!