There are newspapers! Of course there are. Well, let's read the terrible headline first:
Page from Back to the Future: Biff to the Future #5 (June 2017), story and script by Bob Gale and Derek Fridolfs, pencils by Alan Robinson, inks by Alan Robinson and Jaime Castro, colors by Maria Santaolalla, letter by Shawn Lee
GREAT SCOTT! How's Doc Brown gonna get out of this one? Oh! (sees there is one issue left) Well, it's not like a comic book ever served up a cliffhanger before, but I'll wait and see.
Meanwhile, here's the good news, or at least the puff piece. Really, was it that newsless in Metropolis on that day, Perry?
Panels from Wonder Woman (1987 series) #170 (July 2001), script by Phil Jimenez and Joe Kelly, pencils by Phil Jimenez, inks by Andy Lanning, colors by Patricia Mulvihill, color separations by Heroic Age, letters by Comicraft
Geez, why doncha marry her, Lois?
Meanwhile, here's some bad news and good news about yours little stuffed truly: I haven't had much time to work on my blog lately (that's the bad news, smartass), so you haven't seen many updates, and I do hereby little stuffed apologize for that. I just wanted top assure you that this blog ain't out of business, defunct, closed or even out to pasture, which is not a lifestyle for this little bull.
Nope! I promise you we'll see more of Mxyzptlk this year and more Days of Defiance (because we simply can't not) and more Todays in Comics History even if they're not precisely all exactly on the right day and probably more declarations COCAINE! So hang in there, because today is this blog's THIRTEENTH BIRTHDAY, even though I'm only seven (which is a very good age to be). Yep, thirteen years have I been bugging you with that Angel Love joke.
So keep on checkin' in occasionally and I'll be here for you. Thanks!
I've been featuring a lot of stories in which real-life celebrities make cameo appearances in comic book stories, but I kinda miss the days when entire stories were built around guest appearances. If that celeb was popular enough, he or she could appear again and again until they finally deserved an entire full-page entry in Who's Who in the DC Universe or Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe. Remember that extended period in the 1970s when Cher was a member of the Defenders?
With this concept, though, you frequently get a fluffy and inconsequential story that merely consists of the celeb and the protagonist playing silly tricks on each other one after another. It's all fun and games, yes, until somebody loses an eye due to horsing around with a giant doorknob. Or to choose another example: the real-life game show host Ralph Edwards bedeviling the Man of Steel, who surely must have better things to do, on Edwards' popular radio (and later TV) show Truth or Consequences!
Cover of Action Comics (1938 series) #127 (December 1948), pencils and inks by Al Plastino
Yes, Truth or Consequences, the only entertainment show that inspired an entire American town to change its name (aside from the borough of Charlie's Angels, Arizona). Sounds exciting after that intriguing cover, huh? Let's see what follow-up splash page image will be compelling us to read the rest of the story and FOR PETE'S SAKE COMICS YOU JUST RE-USED THE SAME IMAGE.
Splash page of "Superman Takes the Consequences" in Action Comics (1938 series) #127 (December 1948), pencils and inks by Al Plastino
Man, Superman is really fond of that sexy French feather duster from Beauty and the Beast.
Truth or Consequences is a show in which contestants are asked questions, often with a ridiculous hook so they can't be answered. Getting the question wrong means you had to perform an embarrassing or ridiculous stunt. Oh, like Meet the Press, then. Here's a YouTube of the TV version to let you get a taste of the fun. Sorry, I couldn't find a video of the episode with Superman, and the rare episode with guest-star Lobo has been completely censored for language and extreme violence.
Here's Ralph Edwards, invoking his Satanic power to trick hapless contestant Jones, using pedantic semantics. Then he sentences Jones to be smothered beneath live sheep. It's utter hilarity for the audience — "Ralph Edwards has a great sense of humor!" declares one — but total terror for a flock of squirming, bleating, pooping sheep crowded onto a radio show stage. It was considered the most heinous animal-related abuse on a network radio show until that episode of CBS Radio Mystery Theater titled "The Death of One Thousand Hogs."
Yes, you may find today's Alex Trebek or Drew Carey cold and uncaring to their hapless contestants, but they are nothing like Ralph Edwards, who regularly sentences his guests into life-threatening situations.
All of which is just a preface for the radio appearance of The Most Interesting Man in the World™, Superman! And Edwards regally commands that Superman doth bring him some water, then confides to the studio audience that he's lying about the premise of the request. Good thing that Superman don't have no super-hearing then, right? And luckily he's able to make computations in his head with his amazing-for-its-time brainpower of 5K RAM!
Hey, Ralph Edwards, Imma let you finish, but you don't spit into the wind, you don't pull the mask off a park ranger at a fancy-dress party, and you don't try to trick Superman with a geometry problem.Sucker!
Then, Lois Lane gets in on the fun, no doubt to get back at Superman for all those nasty tricks learning experiences the Man of Steel subjected her to throughout the year. Superman gets out of the conundrum by being a big cheaty-pants. Yes, along with Kryptonite and magic, Superman's weaknesses include that he cannot literally tell a lie. No wonder he did so poorly when he appeared on another game show, To Tell the Truth. And just to let you know, it was Clark's lawyer who later dealt with the hundreds of lawsuits against Superman for deafening them.
YOU JERK SUPERMAN YOU RUINED AN ENTIRELY GOOD CHALKBOARD. Really wasteful, especially considering that in those post-War years chalkboards were still heavily rationed. Despite fulfilling the challenge and filling the studio with noxious melting chalkboard fumes, the tyranny of Ralph Edwards knows no boundaries. He sentences Superman to the horrific task of having to clean Lois Lane's apartment! That would soon be the cleanest lingerie closet in the world.
Please note how willfully Superman agrees with the crowd shouting unison. Jeepers, Kal, that's not majority rules, that's mob rules. Why doncha just go move to Springfield USA, huh?
If there is any doubt that Ralph Edwards is Lex Luthor in disguise, it's made even clearer when Edwards hires some professional thugs to "rough up" Lois's apartment. Wow, now who's the big cheaty-pants, Ralph Edwards?
Boo-yah! The tables are turned and Superman sentences Ralph Edwards to the life of an orphan bootblack! Wait, when did this stop being Truth or Consequences and become The People's Kangaroo Court?
Then Ralph Edwards gets roughed up by some Jack Kirby-style tough kid bootblacks. You know, during all this, Brainiac has destroyed Washington and has drained the Atlantic Ocean, but it's all okay because Superman's busy trading japes and tricks with a game show host!
So yadda yadda yadda, Superman helps out Ralph Edwards in the usual manner these puzzle-box stories are played out, with a bending of the literal definitions of "shoe." The moment you remember that Superman could just say "I was only kidding, get back to your show, Mr. Edwards," is the time you say to yourself "Why am I reading this? Why isn't Superman punching anything? JUST PUNCH RALPH EDWARDS ALREADY, SUPERMAN!"
More to the point, Superman's doing all the work for Ralph Edwards. What a wonderful lesson to the youth of America, Supes! Hey, c'mon over and do my homework, Superman! And whitewash this fence! Meanwhile, Lex Luthor destroys the moon.
And so another crazy Kryptonite-infused episode of Truth or Consequences and one of those crazy nutty vintage Superman stories both draw to an end, and the moral of the story is...well, don't put sheep in your bed, I guess.
Panel from Justice League of America (2015 series) #1 (August 2015), script and pencils by Bryan Hitch; inks by Daniel Henriques with Wade von Grawbadger and Andrew Currie, colors by Alex Sinclair with Jeromy Cox, letters by Chris Eliopoulos
...just to keep her from finding out he's Superman.
Panel from Superman: Lois and Clark #4 (March 2016), script by Dan Jurgens, pencils by Lee Weeks and Marco Santucci, inks by Sergio Cariello and Scott Hanna, colors by Jeromy Cox, letters by A Larger World Studios
Hoo boy, Lois Lane! As a comic magazine you are both a strike against women's liberation everywhere and yet a gold mine to bloggers. I could spend an entire month of Teniversaries covering the stories in Lois Lane #10 and you'd laff until you cried, not unlike a Night at the Comedy Club featuring Olly, the Onion Stand-Up Comic. (He'll run rings round the other comics!)
Anyway, here's the time...bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!...when Lois...hee-hee-hee-hee!...turned herself into a baby!BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!
Splash panel from "The Cry-Baby of Metropolis!" in Lois Lane #10 (July 1959), script by Robert Bernstein, pencils and inks by Kurt Schaffenberger
Yes, this story is chock-full o' TOPLESS LOIS LANE. (Hello, Google image searchers!)
What happens is pretty much par for the course in any issue of Lois, three times per comic: a scientist pal of Superman's develops a mysterious de-aging ray! Naturally, Lois steps right in it to avoid a few wrinkles. Wrinkles, really? What are you in these stories, Lois...twenty-five? Twenty-seven? Well...not for long!
The only cure for the de-aging process? A good solid hyper-radioactive blast of Superman's X-ray vision! Sure, Lois never wanted kids anyway. But since Superman scolded Lois earlier in the story for doing all the rock-stupid stuff she usually does, she spends he rest of the adventure covertly trying to get Superman to shoot his X-ray eyes at her without telling him. And she's got to do it before she disappears backwards into a fetus and then a collection of zygotes, which wouldn't make a great Superman comic. Thus follows a ridiculous plot line of Lois's scheming that Jack, Chrissie, and Janet would have scoffed at.
And yes, of course Superman knows already, the big alien jerk. He was letting Lois learn her lesson. Because to Kal-El, it's all about ethics in Superman journalism.
90% of Lois Lane stories during the fifties are about "Superman teaching Lois Lane a lesson." This is one of them. (The other 10% are about Clark Kent teaching Lois Lane a lesson.) So let this fable of folly and foolishness end on the promise that Superman just might spank the half-naked woman he loves while she is a baby as her rival smirks on.The Silver Age, ladeez and gentlemen! This surely must be The Greatest Lois Lane Story Ever!
Extra Lois-Bonus Bonus Lois!: Remember the classic scene in Superman III: The Quest for Richard Pryor where Evil Jerk Superman pushes the Leaning Tower of Pisa into a fully upright position? Sure, we all do! Mainly because it introduced a new member of the Superman supporting cast who has delighted readers of the Man of Steel for years, the Sensational New Character Find of 1983 (just narrowly squeaking out in the voting over Jason Todd, Amethyst, Primcess of Gemworld, and Beta Ray Bill), Singing Italian Guy!
Man, everybody loved that guy. That's why I'm sorry Singing Italian Guy never appeared in the second story of Lois Lane #10, which was all about Lois dating Dean Martin for some reason.
Panels from "Lois Lane's Romeo!" in Lois Lane #10 (July 1959), script by Robert Bernstein, pencils and inks by Kurt Schaffenberger
Thank you, Superman, for helping keep artisanal creators and merchants of plaster replicas of the tilty Tower of Pisa in business for yet another year!
So, because she had a tenth issue of her comic book, we salute you, Miss Lois Calliopepants Lane! And what the heck, also you, Singing Italian Guy!
Panels The Superman Movie Special [Superman III] one-shot (September 1983), script by Cary Bates, pencils by Curt Swan, inks by Sal Amendola, colors by Carl Gafford, letters by Ben Oda
Yes, remember this as The Greatest Lois Lane Story Ever!
Panel from "Lois Lane's Super-Brain!" in Lois Lane (1958 series) #27 (August 1961), script by Robert Bernstein, pencils and inks by Kurt Schaffenberger
Yes, truly, this was The Greatest Lois Lane Story Ever.
panels from the Superman story "The Siege of Aurora Roost!" in World's Finest Comics #22 (May-June 1946), script by Alvin Schwartz (?), pencils by Ira Yarbrough, inks by Stan Kaye
Top: from "The Last Days of Lois Lane!" in Lois Lane #27 (August 1961), script by Robert Bernstein, pencils and inks by Kurt Schaffenberger
Middle: from "Bride of Destruction!" in Detective Comics #510 (January 1982), script by Cary Burkett, pencils by José Delbo, inks by Joe Giella, colors by Tom Ziuko, letters by John Costanza
Bottom: from "The Invisible Crimes" in Detective Comics #138 (August 1948), script by Bill Finger (?), pencils and inks by Dick Sprang
House ad for The Superman Family #182 (March-April 1977);
printed in The Superman Family #181 (January 1977)
Ad art: pencils and inks by Neal Adams (Superman), pencils and inks by Kurt Schaffenburger (Lois, Jimmy, Supergirl); designed and lettered by Gaspar Saladino
...otherwise known as the month Superman Family became a Dollar Comic: 80 pages of brand-new, no-reprint stories!
Left: Cover of The Superman Family #181, pencils by Ernie Chan, inks by Vince Colletta
Right: Cover of The Superman Family #182, pencils by Curt Swan, inks by Neal Adams
...also known as the month Superman and Supergirl accidentally killed Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen by flying them into outer space.
Please remember and salute your veterans today! And take them to a movie, or out to lunch at a fancy diner, or wherever it is that Lois is taking them.
Cover of Superman #29 (July-August 1944), pencils by Wayne Boring, inks by George Roussos (?)
Also, please try to ignore the looming giant figure of Superman on the horizon.
House ad for Lois Lane #80 (January 1968);
printed in Teen Titans (1966 series) #13 (January-February 1968)
Ad designed and lettered by Gaspar Saladino
And Lois never saw Superman, ever again.
Here's the color version of that cover:
Cover of Lois Lane #80 (January 1968), pencils by Curt Swan, inks by Neal Adams, letters by Ira Schnapp
Sadly, that is not the actual first page of LL #80 peeking at us from where Lois has torn down the "Superman's Girlfriend" part of her logo.
Panel from Action Comics (2011 series) #9 (July 2012), script by Grant Morrison, pencils and inks by Gene Ha, colors by Art Lyon, letters by Pat Brosseau
Cover of Starfire #5 (April-May 1977), pencils by Mike Vosburg, inks by Vince Colletta
According to the 1976 Super DC Calendar, August 17 is the birthday of our favorite girldametomato female reporter, the one and only Lois Lane! Happy birthday, Lois! Hope you survive the experience!
Panels from "Lois Lane, Sleeping Beauty" in World's Finest Comics #36 (September-October 1948), script by Bill Woolfolk, pencils by Wayne Boring, inks by Stan Kaye (?)
Panel from "The Reptile Girl of Metropolis!" in Lois Lane #61 (November 1965), script by Leo Dorfman, pencils and inks by Kurt Schaffenberger, letters by Vivian Berg
I've been featuring a lot of stories in which real-life celebrities make cameo appearances in comic book stories, but I kinda miss the days when entire stories were built around guest appearances. If that celeb was popular enough, he or she could appear again and again until they finally deserved an entire full-page entry in Who's Who in the DC Universe or Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe. Remember that extended period in the 1970s when Cher was a member of the Defenders?
Panel from Superman: Lois and Clark #4 (March 2016), script by Dan Jurgens, pencils by Lee Weeks and Marco Santucci, inks by Sergio Cariello and Scott Hanna, colors by Jeromy Cox, letters by A Larger World Studios
