Cover of Strange Tales #72 (December 1959), pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Christopher Rule, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Artie Simek
Yes, Jack Kirby predicted planetary warming, as seen in this absolutely true-to-life scenario that also happens to feature a world-wide computer that can predict the outcome of any global question, even what will be on NBC in the fall of 2015. (It predicts Blindspot will be cancelled by January!)
Splash page from "I Fought the Colossus!" in Strange Tales #72 (December 1959), plot by Stan Lee (?), script by Larry Lieber (?), pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Steve Ditko, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Artie Simek
In short, this is not much different than the also-Kirby Ruler of Earth. Still, guys, I'm pretty sure naming a big worldwide government-replacing computer "Colossus" is not all that great an idea.
...especially a computer that is secretly building a big ass robot. Or, as he was known in those days, Peter Rasputin.
Like Honeycomb, this robots big. (Yeah, yeah, yeah!) Also, dig that kuh-razy Kirby architecture! Frank Gehry, turn in your t-square — Jack's got you beat!
With those giant clodhoppers a-trampin' left 'n' right, how could the robot be anything other than an enemy? So, let's escalate the fight directly to atomic weapons. Really? And you guys got this far in civilization with that sorta attitude? I call shenanigans on that.
Luckily, the robot is rock stupid and is easily led over a cliff. Maybe they shouldn't have installed that special secret "Wile E. Coyote" protocol.
Then, humanity threatens the most powerful computer in the world by arriving to chop it up with axes and sledgehammers.
But what's this? (In my William Dozier voice) Turns out that the computer had built the robot to bring about an era of peace, harmony, prosperity and knowledge. Also: giant robots.
How does that make ya feel about humanity now? ... Dumb-asses.
Gor-Kill! You know he's a monster who's bad, bad news, because he has two terrible words — "gore" and "kill" — in his name. It's sort of like "Slaughter-Wrecker" or "Deathblood" or "Carnage-Trump."
Cover of Tales of Suspense #12 (November 1960), pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by George Klein, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Artie Simek
Ever notice how lots of the titles of Marvel Monster-era stories are direct claims to fame? "I Created the Colossus!" "I Am the Living Ghost!" "I Created...Sporr! The Thing That Could Not Die!" "Only I Know When the World Will End!!!" Yeah, yeah, yeah, Stan...just like modern times, even back in the Atlas Age it's all about you. I bet you're gonna tell us next that you alone know the dread secret of Gor-Kill, the living demon, huh?
Splash page from "I Alone Know the Dread Secret of Gor-Kill, the Living Demon!" in Tales of Suspense #12 (November 1960), plot by Stan Lee (?), script by Larry Lieber (?), pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Dick Ayers, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Artie Simek
I'm probably not spoiling anything by telling you that "dread secret" is actually pretty darn obvious: Gor-Kill is made of water. And not that artisanal, three-bucks-a-bottle water: he's made out of good old-fashioned natural crystal-clear mountain stream water. Yes, long before the backlash against the ecological damage bottle water does to our world, Gor-Kill was kickin' it old school!
Frankly, I don't know why he wasn't just called "Hy-Dro," or "Ahh-Kwaa," or "Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens." What I do know is that he's terrifying this tiny Balkan village where the streets are paved with gold and people climb up on rooftops just for the heck of it. Awooooo, spooky water monster came from the sea or from the dam! But they don't realize he's made of water. Stupid peasants! Dr. Frankenstein was right, you all deserve to die!
How do you fight a water monster? Well, your attack plans have to be fluid arghhhh no I'm sorry for that one
The entire membership of The Guys with Unusual Ties bands up to battle Gor-Kill! Even Ramon, the guy who didn't have a tie but who had a cool green and yellow shirt, so they let him in anyway.
Only one man in the entire village realizes the deadly, moist truth of Gor-Kill! Ah ha, so that's why the story is titled "I Alone Know the Dread Secret of Gor-Kill, the Living Demon!" Y'know, I think more wacky crackpot conspiracy theory books oughta be titled like Marvel Monster stories. "I Alone Know the Dread Secret of the Kennedy Assassination!" "I Alone Have Seen That Jet Fuel Cannot Melt Steel!" "I Alone Know That Vaccinations Cause Autism!" Oh, if only it were just you, Jenny McCarthy.
The severed talking heads of the village elders are immediately sent to scoff at the obvious solution! Although, to his credit, Professor Xavier looks merely vaguely skeptical.
Two days of continuous water attacks by Gor-Kill have battered the once peaceful community into helplessness! I think we can all agree that this was perhaps not the best time for ruler Victor von Doom to declare "Brownie, you're doing a heckuva job!"
So 'round about now you're thinkin' what I am: science ways to destroy Gor-Kill. Let's see: we could deoxidize him to redeuce him to separate hydrogen and oxygen molecules! Or, we could shoot big flamethrowers at him until he turns into steam and floats away! Or, we could reduce the pressure in a big jar so that he flows into it against his will!
Eh, heck with up. Let's jus' blow him up with dynamite.. Boom! It's a sure-fire method of destruction, because as we all know, booms have never created anything.
Twist ending? Well, sorta. Our narrator may have alone known the dread secret of Gor-Kill, the living demon, but nobody believes him, and he gets locked up in the hoosegow for improperly using the town's cache of dynamite that they were saving for, I dunno, the beginning of World War I, I guess. Insert your own Law and Order thunk-thunk! here:
Cover of Strange Tales #98 (July 1962), pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Steve Ditko, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Artie Simek
The Champion came down to Earth
He was lookin' for some guys to hit
Splash page of "No Human Can Beat Me!" from Strange Tales #98 (July 1962), plot by Stan Lee (?), script by Larry Lieber (?), pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Paul Reinman, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Ray Holloway (?)
He challenged humanity so hard
Our heads from our bodies split
He beat us all at wrasslin'
Tossin' every guy outta the ring
He knocked a baseball outta Yankee Stadium
To Long Island with just one swing
He challenged the greatest weight-lifter
By picking up his stand
He golfed eighteen straight holes in one
And not one ball into sand
He climbed the mightiest mountains
In just one leap and hop
He beat us all at every game
From checkers to Gnip Gnop
But then a guy named Johnny
Made the Champion start losin'
He said 'Don't come back, you son of a bitch Earth's the best there is at snoozin'.
If you're, like me, a fan of the Ever-Lovin' Blue Eyed Thing, this tales probably reminds you of one of the great comics of the eighties, Marvel Two-in-One Annual #7, in which Cosmic Elder the Champion of the Universe challenges all of Earth mightiest heroes to a boxing match:
Page from Marvel Two-in-One Annual #7 (1982); script by Tom DeFalco; pencils by Ron Wilson; inks by Bob Camp, Mike Esposito, Frank Giacoia, Dan Green, Armando Gil, and/or Chic Stone; colors by George Roussos, letters by Jim Novak
But it's only Mister Grimm who can go the distance in the ring, round after round.
The Thing brings into four-color life that famous saying by Winston Churchill:
"Never, never, never give up."
Alongside with Superman vs. Muhammad Ali, it's one of the greatest comic book boxing stories of all time.
And it ends in a draw.
So, remember, in the words of Mister Charles Daniels:
Johnny said, "Devil, just come on back if you ever wanna try again,
I done told you once, you son of a bitch, I'm the best that's ever been."
When I pointed out the other day the sheer infinity-approaching numbers of Atlas Era comic stories whose titles were in the third first person, I wasn't kidding. Check out the stellar lineup on this cover. Those are three really great personal points to put on your resumé! You have to have been kept pretty busy to do all those things, 'specially in 1959. Also: hey, big furry pink pot-belly teddy bear!
Cover of Strange Worlds #3 (April 1959), pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Christopher Rule, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Artie Simek
Meet Cynthia Adams, journalist in an age when miniskirts really were a vital cornerstone of serious journalism. You can tell she's a career newspaperwoman because she doesn't have time of her own for kids. Oh, heaven help the working gal.
Splash panel from "I Was Face to Face with the Creature From Planet X!" in Strange Worlds #3 (April 1959), script (?) and pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Christopher Rule, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Artie Simek
In what must be the futuristic equivalent of "Lane! Get down to the Civic Center and cover the flower show! And take Olsen with you! And don't call me Chief!", Cynthia has taken on the hard-hitting, fact-finding, cheese-and-9onion-flavored touch news assignment of reporting on a monster in a cage. Please note that at no time does she take photographs, holograms or selfies with the monster. She's just gonna write a story about it. Pulitzer Prize material, indeed! Ralph Pulitzer, that is.
"Origin unknown," the sign on the big-ass plexiglass case proclaims. "Discovered and captured on Planet X." Well, I'm pretty sure that's your origin right there. So hypnotic, so compelling is looking at a big furry monster at the end of this book in a cage in a museum that Cynthia completely loses track of time, loud announcements that the zooseum is closing, and the security guard trying to push her out the door. She's stuck in overnight! Yes, Ben Stiller is Cynthia Adams in Night at the Museum 26: This Guy's Hairier Than Robin Williams!
He'll only come out at nights / The fat and fuzzy type / Nothing is new / I've seen him here before / Watching and waiting / Ooh, he's sittin' with you / But his eyes are on the door Yep, it's a big breakout for our fuzzy oversized friend fiend, who apparently was waiting for just such an occasion to shatter his shatterproof dome and explore the museum on his own. He'll be heading to the gift shop to pick up some souvenir pencils, right after he attacks the soon-to-be-late Cynthia Adams! Even more exciting than this story originally promised: posthumous Pulitzer!
Yes, in a Lee/Kirby story where a man was the protagonist, he would have figgered out a way to hold off the Creature from Planet X, using science! Cynthia: is lucky because the big galoot faints one panel after he starts to attack her. Well, hey, that's progressive, isn't it? T'was beauty made the beast swoon! And, as it turns out, there was absolutely no danger at all. Now there's a muckraking story for Cynthia to write up for the Daily Universe! Headline: "I Was Face to Face with the Creature from Planet X and Nothing Happened Because He's a Big Swooney-Pants and I Was in No Danger Whatsoever! I wonder if that's really the story she told her nephews. "Aw, Aunt Cindy, that story sucks!"
We never get to glimpse the Creature's hometown of X-Ville, Planet X in the story, but we do actually know that not only he came from it, but a handful of other Marvel/Atlas monsters as well. Why, even the polysyllabic prototype-ur-version of the most popular member of the Guardians of the Galaxy (sit down, Rocket) hailed from Planet X! And he was king of Planet X! I didn't vote for him.
Panel from "I Challenged...Groot! The Monster from Planet X!" in Tales to Astonish #13 (November 1960), plot by Stan Lee (?), script by Larry Lieber (?), pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Dick Ayers, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Ray Holloway
What the Lonely Planet Guide to Planet X will also tell you: it's the homeworld of Goom! He is the Thing from Planet X, as opposed to being the Creature or the Monarch. Good to know they have a well-balanced social strata.
Splash page from "Goom! The Thing from Planet X!" in Tales of Suspense #15 (March 1961), plot by Stan Lee (?), script by Larry Lieber (?), pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Dick Ayers, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Artie Simek
Of course, where ever Goom hangs his hat, so too does his son, Googam! Mrs. Goom absolutely refused to let Goom call him "Goom, Jr.", but Goom privately refers to him as "G.J." anyway. Goom gave Googam those little red underpants for his twelfth birthday! And he's been wearin' 'em ever since.
Splash page from "Beware of Googam, Son of Goom!!" in Tales of Suspense #17 (May 1961), plot by Stan Lee (?), script by Larry Lieber (?), pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Dick Ayers, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Artie Simek
There is also intelligent talking killer plant life on Planet X, challenging Goom for the title of "Thing." This is clearly another fine example of Hodgkin's Law of Parallel Planetary Development, considering its obvious physical resemblance to a Venus Fly Trap, a Triffid, and Spy vs. Spy.
Splash panel from "The Thing from Planet X" Tales of Suspense #3 (May 1959), pencils and inks by Steve Ditko, colors by Stan Goldberg (?), letters by Artie Simek
What? Another type of alien life form from Planet X? Yep! Basketball-headed Kurrgo, one of the earliest foes of the Fantastic Four that Reed didn't turn into a cow also is from Planet X! He's very critical of the primitive Earth, and yet he's the one with a black-and-white television. His lazy susan hors-d'oeuvre-platter-serving technology, however, is lightyears beyond ours.
Splash panel from Fantastic Four (1961 series) #7 (October 1962), script by Stan Lee, pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Dick Ayers, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Artie Simek
Kurrgo also shows up in the only Fantastic Four screen adaptation that matters, the 1967 Hanna-Barbera cartoon version! Paul Frees as the Thing for the win, baby!
Fantastic Four: "Prisoners of Planet X" (October 14, 1967)
Even MagnetoXornMagneto that guy from the Grant Morrison run of X-Men has a certain je ne sais quoi with Planet X! Magneto was fond of naming his homes after letters. Asteroid M, Planet X, Studio Apartment with Shared Bathroom Q...he's lived in 'em all.
Double-page spread from New X-Men (2001 series) #147 (November 2003), script by Grant Morrison, pencils by Phil Jimenez, inks by Andy Lanning, colors by Chris Chuckry, letters by Rus Wooton
So if the X-Men have been to Planet X, that means, via the Laws of Crossover Earth, that the Star Trek crew with the worst logo have been there as well. Even the giant green floating head of either Professor X or Captain Picard fully recommends you spend your vacation on Planet X rather than Risa! Risa: nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded.
Does Planet X accept house calls? Well, certainly they're no stranger to having Doctors pop in.
Page from "Famine on Planet X" in Doctor Who Annual 1979 (September 1978), writer and artist unknown
And perhaps inspiring them all, the original space cadet, Tom Swift, is familiar with the alien world known as Planet X, which is not as cool as the Mushroom Planet, but then again, what planet is?
But I think that the only Planet X that really matters, and the only portrayal that has given it justice, is in the serious, 1953 hard-science, real-world pre-NASA documentary film which depicted Planet X in all its raw, true glory. Even if it is a bit challenging to get to.
from Merrie Melodies: "Duck Dodgers in the 24½th Century" (1953), story by Michael Maltese, directed by Chuck Jones
In practical terms, though, navigating to Planet X couldn't be easier. You can find it just past Planets U, V, and W.
It's pretty clearly marked; you can't miss it. Just look for where Iron Man's girlfriend lives. Or, as the old saying goes: X marks the Potts.
It goes without saying that I'm disappointed there wasn't a Planet X series during Secret Wars, which would have merged all the various Planets X into one monster-filled, Atlas-flavored smashstravaganza. The Creature! Groot! Goom! Googam! Kurrgo! Plant Guy! The Movie Star! And the rest! All hitting each other in the face in outer space! (Hey, I think I just came up with the above-the-title tag line.)
