Yes, Virginia, There Is a Spider-Man: An Editorial by J. Jonah Jameson

DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old.
Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
Papa says, "If you see it in THE DAILY BUGLE it's so."
Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?

VIRGINIA O'HANLON.
115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET.

---

VIRGINIA, your little friends have a promising future in journalism. Who accepts any blasted story he hears on the street as fact? Around here I call him Ben Urich and he's fired. You heard me, Urich! Clean out your desk! Get the blazes outta here. This story is crap! Crap! Crap! Who are you trying to fool with this Daredevil story? Everybody knows Matt Murdock is as blind as half of Sandy Duncan. Go ahead, smart guy, tell me how a blind man can be Daredevil? Next thing you'll be telling me is that I'M Daredevil! You wanna see me in spandex tights swinging around the office? NO! Nobody wants to see that. Because I'm a journalist and a journalist gets the story! Okay, you're unfired. Fill up your desk again. Go out there and get the story. I want quotes, denials, pictures. Take Parker with you. Where's Parker? PARKER!

Yes, VIRGINIA, your friends are right to be suspicious about Santa Claus. Just because you see him on every street corner doesn't mean he's real. I see Spider-Man all the time and he's no real hero, I tell you. I've seen some of these con-artists and bums masquerading as Santa Claus down in Times Square and at Macy's and I wouldn't give them a seafood dinner if they were King Namor of Atlantis! You know why? Because they can't prove it. Where's the reindeer, where's the sleigh, where's the presents? I'm gonna come right out and call each and every one of those Broadway Santas a big fat fraud. What're you gonna do, fatties? Sue me? I know more lawyers than you know elves.

Not believe in Santa Claus! That's the kind of no-nonsense, forward-looking view I want to see in an investigative reporter. You might as well believe another planet crashed into us last summer! That's outrageous! I'll tell you what I told Parker: no photos, no story. This is a picture newspaper, dammit! If we can get a picture of Donald Trump giving a Nazi salute, we can certainly get a picture of a planet crashing into the Earth. But does anybody ever think about what I want? No! A little piece and quiet is all I want. And pictures of Spider-Man! Get me pictures of Spider-Man! Get out of here, Parker!

You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, and that's the only thing that's gonna get you is the low-down story on those snake-filled baby rattles from Doctor Octopus. You think I got two Pulitzers sitting here at this desk and yelling at Parker to get me pictures of Santa Claus? No! I got them looking out this window and peering into the hearts and minds of every man, woman, and child in this city. And I know what they want. They want honest, solid journalism about corruption, crime, and Spider-Man! Ah, VIRGINIA, in this entire world there's nothing else more real and abiding than catching Spider-Man with his pants down. Metaphorically speaking.

So yes, VIRGINIA, there IS a Spider-Man. He's a threat and a menace, Thank God! for the increase in circulation every time we put one of those Spider-Man photos on the front page by Parker that looks like he shot it through cobwebs. Yes, Spider-Man will continue to threaten you and your family, and the only place you can count on to tell the truth is the DAILY BUGLE. And about this Santa Claus thing: there's only one way to tell for sure. If you don't get absolutely everything you wanted on your Christmas list, every single toy and doll and hula hoop or whatever it is you kids want — it's because Spider-Man killed Santa Claus.

Dictated but not read,
J. JONAH JAMESON

JJJ/bb

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 358: Marvel Comics finally put their Christmas decorations up on these panels

Panels from Sensational Spider-Man (1996 series) #24 (February 1998), script by Todd Dezago, pencils by Todd Nauck, inks by Andrew Hennessey, colors of Gregory Wright, letters by Kiff Scholl

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 357: It Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Man Ho's

'Member yesterday when I warned you there wouldn't be any more panels about J. Jonah giving out cheapskate Christmas bonuses? I sorta lied.


Panels from Spider-Man: Christmas In Dallas one-shot (1983), script by Jim Salicrup, pencils by Alan Kupperberg, inks by Mike Esposito, colors by Marie Severin, letters by Rick Parker
But actually the great surprise is that Jonah's flying Peter out to Dallas


No, no, not that one. Although I would certainly buy Spider-Man/J. R. Ewing Team-Up #1 in a second.

But why Dallas, for a story that could take place so easily in...I dunno...Manhattan? The real reason may astound you: this one-shot comic book was published in conjunction with the Pulitzer Prize-winning Dallas Times Herald, a daily Texan newspaper that was founded on the credo of TEXAS TWISTER: THREAT OR MENACE?


Santa Claus: he's a wide as he in tall! And he's got a mean-on for everybody in Whoville Dallas! Also, his wife is named Vanessa. That's just a little Mrs. Claus fact from all of us here at Comics Oughta Be Fun!


The Dallas Times Herald distributed several specially made Marvel comics about superheroes in The Big D, including Spider-Man, Firestar and Iceman at The Dallas Ballet Nutcracker, an seventeen page comic which devotes nine of its pages to retelling the Nutcracker story! To kids wishing for a Spider-Man comic, this is almost as big a bait-and-switch as Superman Salutes the Bicentennial!


Panel from Spider-Man, Fire-Star [sic] and Iceman at the Dallas Ballet Nutcracker one-shot (1983), script by Jim Salicrup, pencils by Jim Mooney, inks by John Tartaglione, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Gaspar Saladino
Also in this series: Spidey Does Dallas* Spider-Man and the Dallas Cowboys, which only includes one panel of the world-famous Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders! I call foul on that, Marvel Comics In Association with the Dallas Times Herald!


Panel from Spider-Man and the Dallas Cowboys one-shot (1983), script by Marie Severin and David Anthony Kraft, pencils by Marie Severin and Kerry Gammill, inks by Mike Esposito, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by R. G. O'Shaw
Luckily, there was a whole comic about Spider-Man and the Hulk teaming up with the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. THANK YOU MARVEL AND THE DALLAS TIMES HERALD!



Panels from Spider-Man and the Incredible Hulk one-shot (1982), creators unknown, altho' that's Jim Novak lettering, isn't it?
So the success of these many Spider-Man comics ensured that the Dallas Times Herald would continue to be a strong, vital part of Texas journalism! Until 1991, when it closed down. Well...that'll happen.

*I don't know what this joke means.

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 356: Christmas Tie Is Here

So far we've seen J. Jonah Jameson hand out Christmas bonuses of five bucks, ten bucks, cigar scented cards, cigars, and a thousand bucks in Confederate money. In this, the final (well, the last one I could find) set of panels commemorating JJJ giving a Christmas bonus, what do you think it will be? Could it be something as boring and mundane as...a necktie?


Panels from The Spectacular Spider-Man #173 (February 1991), plot by Gerry Conway, script by David Michelinie, pencils and inks by Sal Buscema, colors by Bob Sharen, letters by Rick Parker
Yes. Yes it is a necktie. And Pete gave the same one to Jonah, so i think we can sum this one up under the category of you reap what you sow, Spider-Man! Bwah-ha-ha-ha! I woulda paid folding money to see Peter wear that over his costume for the rest of the issue.




By the way, the placement of those last three panels really bugs me — they don't visually read in sequence. Sal Buscema is usually much better at panel placement, so I'll just assume he was miffed at Tom DeFalco giving him a cee-gar for Christmas. In the olden days they woulda put an arrow to guide you from panel to panel. Here, I rearranged it for ya!


Tomorrow! Yes, tomorrow...just because I haven't anymore JJJ Christmas Bonus sequences at hand doesn't mean A Holly Jonah Christmas ends! Tomorrow: the most surprising and yet unsuitable Santa of them all, and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders! Also tomorrow: Pittsburgh blows up! Don't miss it!

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 355: Hix Nix Pick-Up Stix

Whatever will Jonah's Cheapsake Christmas Bonus be today? Could it be a ratty old teddy bear? Or a can of you'll-poke-your-eye-out Pick-Up Sticks?


Panels from "Not a Creature Was Stirring" in Marvel Holiday Special 1996 one-shot (December 1996), script by Mark Waid, pencils by Pat Olliffe, inks by Brett Breeding, colors by Joe Andreani, letters by Jon Babcock
Maybe this time it'll be a thousand dollar Christmas bonus...

Oh. A thousand dollars in confederate money.


On the bright side, Peter got bus money. Looks like a cool seventy-five cents, which is nothing to scoff at. (Except that Manhattan bus fare in 1996 was a buck fifty.)

Me, on the other hand...I like pick-up-sticks.

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 354: J. Jonah Jameson doesn't support the Cuban economy, he's just burning their crops.

Yesterday, we experienced JJJ's Daily Bugle Christmas bonus that is a cigar-scented Christmas card. Can it get (in my Chandler Bing! voice) any better?

Why yes! Yes, it can. A real cigar!


Panels from Amazing Spider-Man #130 (March 1974), script by Gerry Conway, pencils by Ross Andru, inks by Frank Giacoia and Dave Hunt, colors by Petra Goldberg, letters by Artie Simek

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 353: It's true, where ever you find love / It smells like Christmas

Remember when J. Jonah Jameson used to give out crumpled, well-used ten dollar bills as a Christmas present? Could his bonuses get any better than that?

Well, no.


Panel from Amazing Spider-Man Annual (1964 series) #10 (1976), co-plot by Len Wein, co-plot and script by Bill Mantlo, pencils by Gil Kane, inks by Frank Giacoia and Mike Esposito, colors by Petra Goldberg, letters by John Costanza
Special holiday bonus!: using brand-new HTML-6, I have actually programmed scratch-and-sniff technology into this very blogpost! Simply scratch the image and smell the mouth-watering scent of cheap cigars!

Ah ha! Made ya do it!

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 352: That Christmas, Mrs. Weasley knitted Peter a sweater

Yesterday, we asked the musical question "Did Jonah actually double the five dollar Christmas bonuses for the Bugle staff as he promised?"


Panel from Marvel Team-Up (1972 series) #79 (March 1979), co-plot and script by Chris Claremont, co-plot and pencils by John Byrne, inks by Terry Austin, colors by Glynis Wein, letters by Tom Orzechowski
To quote Charles Dickens: he was better than his word. Or, maybe, just exactly the same as his word.

Tomorrow: More of the Twelve Christmas Bonuses of Jameson!

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 351: Jonah's office wall is made of solid milk chocolate

Remember yesterday's actual documentation that the standard J. Jonah Jameson Christmas bonus was five bucks? Here's the later-in-the-story callback in which he promises to increase that bonus by a factor of two!


Panels from Marvel Team-Up #106 (June 1981), script by Tom DeFalco, pencils by Herb Trimpe, inks by Mike Esposito, colors by Carl Gafford, letters by Diana Albers
Will Jonah keep his made-under-Scorpion-duress Christmas promise? We shall see.

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 350: Hey, look! There's a fiver.

Please take note of how much J. Jonah Grincheson gives out for Christmas bonuses: a whoppin' half-a-sawbuck. Don't forget this: there will be a test over the next few days!


Panels from Marvel Team-Up #106 (June 1981), script by Tom DeFalco, pencils by Herb Trimpe, inks by Mike Esposito, colors by Carl Gafford, letters by Diana Albers

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 349: They had better get me photos of Spider-Man, and increase the surplus circulation

Let's kick off the holiday season with a scene from the classic Spidey story "The Final Chapter!" C'mon, you know it...the one where Spider-Man lifts a big-ass piece of machinery off of himself to get medicine to Aunt May — one of the greatest sequences in early Marvel Universe history! Oh yeah, and there's this lovely scene, in which Peter Parker grows a backbone and, in keeping with our holiday theme through Christmas, compares J.J.J. to E.S....Ebenezer Scrooge, that is! (An allusion which'll prove to be more than merely symbolic as you'll see in a little about a week and a half!)


Panels from Amazing Spider-Man (1963 series) #33 (February 1966); plot, pencils, and inks by Steve Ditko, script by Stan Lee, letters by Artie Simek
"Come off it, JJ! Compared to you, even Scrooge was a reckless, devil-may-care spendthrift!" You've got to hand it to Peter, who in less than three years has turned from a mousy bookworm to a guy who will stand up for himself. He has grown the proportionate spine of a spider!

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 348: To liven up your holiday party, just add Mary Jane

Panels from Amazing Spider-Man (1963 series) #151 (December 1975); script by Len Wein; pencils by Ross Andru; inks by John Romita, Sr.; ink assists by Mike Esposito, Frank Giacoia, and Dave Hunt, colors by Glynis Wein, letters by John Costanza

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 347: Just the facts, Spider-Ma'an

Clip 'n' save 'em all: it's the 21st century version of the venerated old Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe, the all-new all-different Marvel Fact Files! Only published in Britain — too bad Americans!



Pages from Marvel Fact Files #18 (Eaglemoss Publications Ltd, 2013)
Now with 100%* more Daily Bugle!




Pages from Marvel Fact Files #22 (Eaglemoss Publications Ltd, 2013)
*Actual percentage of Daily Bugle may vary due to shaking or settling of product.

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 346: C'mon Get Happy

Panels from Amazing Spider-Man (1963 series) #18 (November 1964); plot, script, and pencils by Steve Ditko, script by Stan Lee, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Sam Rosen

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 345: Jonah resents being dragged into this X-Men crossover, but he's going down fighting

Cover of The Spectacular Spider-Man (1976 series) #147 (February 1989), pencils and inks by Sal Buscema

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 344: Jonah Noir

Another excellent J. Jonah Jameson story I'm only managing to squeeze in just before the midnight clock of December 31 chimes is this Jonah-narrated comic in which your favorite newspaperman and mine takes center stage:


Cover of Peter Parker, The Spectacular Spider-Man #80 (July 1983); pencils by John Romita, Jr., inks by John Beatty
You know, I could print every single furschluggin panel from this comic book and it'd be a great spotlight on Jonah, but instead I'll just focus on the first two cinematic pages and give you this handy tip to hunt down Peter Parker #80 and get yerself hunka hunka Jonah love. You heard it from me, Bully, cookie reviewer for The Daily Bugle.



Panels from Peter Parker, The Spectacular Spider-Man #80 (July 1983), script by Bill Mantlo, pencils by Ron Frenz, inks by Kevin Dzuban, colors by Bob Sharen, letters by Joe Rosen

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 343: The Amazing Defiant Ones

One of my (very few) regrets about a year of J. Jonah Jameson is that even with this extra-length Leap Year, I've not been able to fit in every story I want co-starring our friendly neighborhood curmudgeon. At one point I'd even starting saving images for an entire "Spider-Slayer Week," but I won't have time to do those. (Spider-Slayer fans line here up to boo, hiss.)

Today, though, I'm gonna give you an expanded peek at one of my favorite JJJ stories that happens to be a fallout from the Spider-Slayer stories, in which Dr. Spencer Smythe, the scientific brains behind Jonah's money in creating the Arachnid Assassins, targets both Jameson and Spider-Man by turning them into The Defiant Ones!


No, no, no...that's De-Fightin' Ones. This story (like that terrible rip of a great cartoon) is a take-off on the classic 1958 movie The Defiant Ones, in which prisoners Tony Curtis and Sidney Poitier escape a prison truck while chained together, and they must learn to work together and respect each other. Hey, that sounds like a perfect set-up for Spider-Man and JJJ to be chained together...by an ultra-technical Kirby™-type electronic handcuff device that's due to explode at the end of 18 story pages! The story actually begins in the previous issue, but Amazing Spider-Man #192's cover sets up the plot as if it were the splash page! Go go, action Spider!


Cover of Amazing Spider-Man (1963 series) #192 (May 1979), pencils by Keith Pollard, inks by Bob McLeod, letters by Irving Watanabe
Out of vengeance against both Spider-Man and J. Jonah Jameson, Dr. Smythe has locked them together in a death-cuff! (Available from all good Sharper Image stores.) Smythe's taking revenge for all those times Jonah hired him to create Spider-Slayers, during which Smythe contracted cancer from all the radioactive materials. He clearly hadn't taken the precautions that Lex Luthor does to line everything in his purview with lead. So, it's actually Spider-Man's fault: if Petey had gained the X-ray vision of a spider, Smythe would still be alive! Yes, that's the most boring What If? ever.


Panels from Amazing Spider-Man (1963 series) #192 (May 1979),script by Marv Wolfman, breakdowns by Keith Pollard, finishes by Jim Mooney, colors by Glynis Wein, letters by Diana Albers
With the clock ticking until their ultimate death and therefore the cancellation of his comic book, Spider-Man swings off, Jonah in literal tow. This story also takes place during one of JJJ's most angry phases against our favorite Web-Slinger: he believes Spider-Man is responsible for the death of his son, John. (Note: like everyone in Marvel comics, John eventually gets better.)


Of course, at one point Jonah dies have the chance to remove Spidey's mask and find out his secret identity. Does he? No. He does not. Looks like we're in for another twenty years of Spider-Man being able to keep his secret identity until Tony Stark sweet-talks him into blowing it, thus necessitatin' a literal deal with the devil. Smooth move, Spidey-Pants!


Spidey's dragged them both to consult the only scientist he knows: Peter Parker! Curt Connors! Yes, the genetic biologist is a great choice to remove a highly-advanced electronic device. (I'm presuming this is during the roughly 83% of the 1970s that Reed Rochards was off in outer space on routine Blastaar assignment.)



Desperate and defiant, Spidey and Joney return to the scene of the crime, only to find Smythe is dead! Note: he eventually gets better...hey wait! No he doesn't! He's still dead! Oh, sure, there's a clone of him running around Earth-616 Prime-Earth right now, but Dr. Spence Smythe is still dead! It's a rare victory for the Grim Reaper in the Marvel Universe!


You've gotta hand it to Jonah for holding it together this long, but he's finally beginning to have his nervous breakdown, and I for one don't blame him. Probably because Spidey's gonna drag them both back to see Dr. Curt Connors again. Get a real plan, web-slinger!


Luckily, the quicksilver mind of Spider-Man (not to be confused with the Spider-Man mind of Quicksilver) has given him an idea! An awesome idea. Spider-Man got a amazing, spectacular, web of idea!


Using a conduit piping coolant, Spidey freezes the power supply! With less than thirty seconds to spare! Either that, or Felix Leiter came in an\d switched it off when the timer read "007."


So, Jonah is forced to conclude: what is the price of hate? What are the wages of fear? What is the Tales of Suspense?*


*It's a comic book series that ran from 1959 to 1968, and features Atlas-era crime and mystery stories, later replaced by short Iron Man and Captain America adventures.