366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 360: There's No Place Like Jonah's for the Holidays

Previously on Spider-Man's Tangled Web: On Christmas Eve, Peter Parker (secretly the Amazing Spid...oh, you know that part)...has rescued a passel of Japanese schoolkids, but then, having to rush out into the night, as he does (whatever a spider can), he leaves the kids behind with Betty Brant in the Daily Bugle office. Meanwhile, a big-ass Christmas snowstorm is a-blowin' into New York City. S'alright? S'alright. And now...


Panels from Spider-Man's Tangled Web #21 (February 2003), script and inks by Darwyn Cooke, pencils by Jay Bone, colors by Matt Hollingsworth, letters by Paul Tutrone
Jonah + Kids = trouble, right here in New York City, which begins with "N" and that rhymes with "bullpen" and that stands for...well, it rhymes with "newspapermen," but I'm not certain how to finish the song from there. Needless to say, there's both trouble and cuteness ahoy! Crouble? No, tuteness.


The Bumper Book of Humor Writing that I got today under the Christmas tree (thanks Santa!) tells me that one of the first rules of laughs is opposites are funny! So, pair a rusty, grizzly, grumpy old Jonah with cute adorable tiny tots and what do you get? That's comedy, my friends! Also: Pissed-Off Betty Brant™, which is one of the all-time greatest action figure variants.


Jonah tells the kids a story. Guess who's the hero in this one?! It's our old pal and star of many Marvel Comic books, the Amazing Spider-Slayer!. Except I imagine even JJJ censored the name of that particular character in his tale. I'm guessing we're looking at the Adventures of J. Jonah Jameson, The Sensational Spider-Hugger!


Meanwhile, Spider-Man and the Inhuman named Medusa (the hero who could never be an important part of a sensible Marvel Universe) are battling it out in the Toy Department at Macy's, no doubt wrecking Santaland and frightening Crumpet the Elf into a much more sedate essay-writing career. JJJ gets the kids into their cute li'l coats 'n' mittens to take 'em to Macy's to watch Spidey getting his butt beat (by a girl with sentient hair, at that!). It's events like that which drove the crowds to Macy's and ran Gimbel's out of business. You're a business menace, Peter Parker!


Tonight's very pecial Christmas Eve Guest Stars, singing "All I Want For Christmas Is Groo...t": the Fantastic Four Three! Well, it's entirely possible Sue Storm is already there but invisible, though I doubt that: J. Bone and Darwyn Cooke would not pass up a chance to draw the curviest of the FF! (If you don't count H.E.R.B.I.E.)


Turns out Macy's Santa is really the Puppet Master and making Medusa and Spidey yadda yadda yadda, and it's a Christmas Fulla Crying Tots, just like the ones we used to know!


Then, in an action-packed summary-stuffed double-page spread, they all head over to Jonah and Marla's apartment for a Christmas party, and Jonah gives Peter the very finest Christmas bonus of all the ones we've seen so far: he's bused in Aunt May and Mary Jane all the way from Queens. It wasn't an express bus and they had to wait for twenty minutes to catch a transfer in Roosevelt Island, but they're here.

(Click picture to Christmas dinner second-helping-size)
And a very happy holiday was had by all at the Christmas party by everyone except Betty Brant, who was rescued by...let's say...Willie Lumpkin.


Happy holidays to all! (And we miss you, Darwyn!)

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 359: Come in, and know me better, spider-man

We started this festive holiday season by pointing out that J. Jonah Jameson was not unlike that famous curmudgeon of literature, stage, screen, and streaming-and-rebuffering-video, Ebenezer Scrooge. Which makes ya think, doesn't it? Why didn't, ya may be thinking, did Marvel never do a parody of that famous Christmas tale but starring J. Jonah Jameson?. Ya may well think that.

Ya'd be not far off reality, True Believer!


Splash page from "Jonah's Holiday Carol" in Marvel Holiday Special 2004 one-shot (January 2005), script by Tom DeFalco, pencils and inks by Takeshi Miyazawa, colors by Christina Strain, letters by Clem Robins
Of course, as Mister Magoo and Bill Murray would tell you, if you're going to be a Scrooge on Christmas Eve, you know what will happen, faster than you can say "Blackadder's Christmas Carol"...


First up, as Ghost of Christmas Past: Captain America! Technically if you're talking Marvel Comics History, that should be the Sub-Mariner, but Namor would just show him Tunas of Christmas Past, and I think we've all seen that old cliché plenty of times before.


CHECK IT OUT KID JONAH IS A FANBOY! Bwah-ha-ha-ha hey I wonder if he saved those in Mylar bags?


Next up! Funnyman Benjy Grimm, wearin' his unstable molecule snow pants. He's here to show Jonah that IT'S CHRISTMASIN' TIME! Also: that an A-Bomb may have awakened giant radioactive monsters. At last, the definite origin of Fin Fang Foom!


Even though this year Hanukkah falls on Christmas Eve, Ben has taken time out of his busy latke and brisket dinner to usher Jonah around The Present of whatever Christmas of 2005, whatever year it happens to be in the Marvel Universe, included showing him a world where Peter Parker is off swingin' around town. Also: he apparently is married to Mary Jane, so I can't even picture what universe that could possibly be.


Then it's off to your friendly neighborhood dive bar where nobody knows your name, even if you're former astronaut John Jameson (son of Jonah), fallen on hard times. Whoa, Christmas just got real. Real depressing.


Personally I woulda picked Spider-Man 2099 to be the Ghost of Christmas Future, but we just get the regular-flavored one. And how come there wasn't a spot for Ghost Rider in this Christmas story? On the other hand, I'd certainly be spooked outta my little stuffed wits if Tobey Maguire or Andrew Garfield dropped in as Christmas Yet to Come. Especially Garfield, as he's gonna be pretty cranky that tomorrow is Monday.


Silent Night, Peter died, that means no, mor-re Spide

r-Man


Then the Bugle goes outta business! Wow, this kinda looks like when the Impossible Man showed up at Marvel Comics HQ looking for Stan in X-Men Annual #7. Hey Jonah, the Bugle blew...out of town.


Hooray! The Spirits have done it all in one night half an hour, so there's still plenty of time for Jonah to crash the Christmas party. However, in the biggest disaster since Civil War II, all the pigs-in-a-blanket had already been eaten. And, to wrap up our round-up of holiday bonuses given from JJJ to Peter, we're back to him getting ten bucks for Christmas! Merry Christmas, Parker! Buy yourself a clue and form your own groundbreaking elctronics company! Later, in a Christmas miracle, he did.


Jonah was better than his word. He did it all, and infinitely more; and to Tiny Petey, who did not die, he was a second father. He became as good a friend, as good a master, and as good a man, as the good old city knew, or any other good old city, town, or borough, in the good old world. Some people laughed to see the alteration in him, but he let them laugh, and little heeded them; for he was wise enough to know that nothing ever happened on this globe, for good, at which some people did not have their fill of laughter in the outset; and knowing that such as these would be blind anyway, he thought it quite as well that they should wrinkle up their eyes in grins, as have the malady in less attractive forms. His own heart laughed: and that was quite enough for him.


Until he got the caterer's bill. Haw!


He had no further intercourse with Spirits, but lived upon the Total Abstinence Principle, ever afterwards; and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Jonah observed,

GET ME PICTURES OF SPIDER-MAN, EVERYONE!

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 358: Marvel Comics finally put their Christmas decorations up on these panels

Panels from Sensational Spider-Man (1996 series) #24 (February 1998), script by Todd Dezago, pencils by Todd Nauck, inks by Andrew Hennessey, colors of Gregory Wright, letters by Kiff Scholl

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 357: It Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Man Ho's

'Member yesterday when I warned you there wouldn't be any more panels about J. Jonah giving out cheapskate Christmas bonuses? I sorta lied.


Panels from Spider-Man: Christmas In Dallas one-shot (1983), script by Jim Salicrup, pencils by Alan Kupperberg, inks by Mike Esposito, colors by Marie Severin, letters by Rick Parker
But actually the great surprise is that Jonah's flying Peter out to Dallas


No, no, not that one. Although I would certainly buy Spider-Man/J. R. Ewing Team-Up #1 in a second.

But why Dallas, for a story that could take place so easily in...I dunno...Manhattan? The real reason may astound you: this one-shot comic book was published in conjunction with the Pulitzer Prize-winning Dallas Times Herald, a daily Texan newspaper that was founded on the credo of TEXAS TWISTER: THREAT OR MENACE?


Santa Claus: he's a wide as he in tall! And he's got a mean-on for everybody in Whoville Dallas! Also, his wife is named Vanessa. That's just a little Mrs. Claus fact from all of us here at Comics Oughta Be Fun!


The Dallas Times Herald distributed several specially made Marvel comics about superheroes in The Big D, including Spider-Man, Firestar and Iceman at The Dallas Ballet Nutcracker, an seventeen page comic which devotes nine of its pages to retelling the Nutcracker story! To kids wishing for a Spider-Man comic, this is almost as big a bait-and-switch as Superman Salutes the Bicentennial!


Panel from Spider-Man, Fire-Star [sic] and Iceman at the Dallas Ballet Nutcracker one-shot (1983), script by Jim Salicrup, pencils by Jim Mooney, inks by John Tartaglione, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Gaspar Saladino
Also in this series: Spidey Does Dallas* Spider-Man and the Dallas Cowboys, which only includes one panel of the world-famous Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders! I call foul on that, Marvel Comics In Association with the Dallas Times Herald!


Panel from Spider-Man and the Dallas Cowboys one-shot (1983), script by Marie Severin and David Anthony Kraft, pencils by Marie Severin and Kerry Gammill, inks by Mike Esposito, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by R. G. O'Shaw
Luckily, there was a whole comic about Spider-Man and the Hulk teaming up with the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. THANK YOU MARVEL AND THE DALLAS TIMES HERALD!



Panels from Spider-Man and the Incredible Hulk one-shot (1982), creators unknown, altho' that's Jim Novak lettering, isn't it?
So the success of these many Spider-Man comics ensured that the Dallas Times Herald would continue to be a strong, vital part of Texas journalism! Until 1991, when it closed down. Well...that'll happen.

*I don't know what this joke means.

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 356: Christmas Tie Is Here

So far we've seen J. Jonah Jameson hand out Christmas bonuses of five bucks, ten bucks, cigar scented cards, cigars, and a thousand bucks in Confederate money. In this, the final (well, the last one I could find) set of panels commemorating JJJ giving a Christmas bonus, what do you think it will be? Could it be something as boring and mundane as...a necktie?


Panels from The Spectacular Spider-Man #173 (February 1991), plot by Gerry Conway, script by David Michelinie, pencils and inks by Sal Buscema, colors by Bob Sharen, letters by Rick Parker
Yes. Yes it is a necktie. And Pete gave the same one to Jonah, so i think we can sum this one up under the category of you reap what you sow, Spider-Man! Bwah-ha-ha-ha! I woulda paid folding money to see Peter wear that over his costume for the rest of the issue.




By the way, the placement of those last three panels really bugs me — they don't visually read in sequence. Sal Buscema is usually much better at panel placement, so I'll just assume he was miffed at Tom DeFalco giving him a cee-gar for Christmas. In the olden days they woulda put an arrow to guide you from panel to panel. Here, I rearranged it for ya!


Tomorrow! Yes, tomorrow...just because I haven't anymore JJJ Christmas Bonus sequences at hand doesn't mean A Holly Jonah Christmas ends! Tomorrow: the most surprising and yet unsuitable Santa of them all, and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders! Also tomorrow: Pittsburgh blows up! Don't miss it!

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 355: Hix Nix Pick-Up Stix

Whatever will Jonah's Cheapsake Christmas Bonus be today? Could it be a ratty old teddy bear? Or a can of you'll-poke-your-eye-out Pick-Up Sticks?


Panels from "Not a Creature Was Stirring" in Marvel Holiday Special 1996 one-shot (December 1996), script by Mark Waid, pencils by Pat Olliffe, inks by Brett Breeding, colors by Joe Andreani, letters by Jon Babcock
Maybe this time it'll be a thousand dollar Christmas bonus...

Oh. A thousand dollars in confederate money.


On the bright side, Peter got bus money. Looks like a cool seventy-five cents, which is nothing to scoff at. (Except that Manhattan bus fare in 1996 was a buck fifty.)

Me, on the other hand...I like pick-up-sticks.

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 354: J. Jonah Jameson doesn't support the Cuban economy, he's just burning their crops.

Yesterday, we experienced JJJ's Daily Bugle Christmas bonus that is a cigar-scented Christmas card. Can it get (in my Chandler Bing! voice) any better?

Why yes! Yes, it can. A real cigar!


Panels from Amazing Spider-Man #130 (March 1974), script by Gerry Conway, pencils by Ross Andru, inks by Frank Giacoia and Dave Hunt, colors by Petra Goldberg, letters by Artie Simek

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 353: It's true, where ever you find love / It smells like Christmas

Remember when J. Jonah Jameson used to give out crumpled, well-used ten dollar bills as a Christmas present? Could his bonuses get any better than that?

Well, no.


Panel from Amazing Spider-Man Annual (1964 series) #10 (1976), co-plot by Len Wein, co-plot and script by Bill Mantlo, pencils by Gil Kane, inks by Frank Giacoia and Mike Esposito, colors by Petra Goldberg, letters by John Costanza
Special holiday bonus!: using brand-new HTML-6, I have actually programmed scratch-and-sniff technology into this very blogpost! Simply scratch the image and smell the mouth-watering scent of cheap cigars!

Ah ha! Made ya do it!

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 352: That Christmas, Mrs. Weasley knitted Peter a sweater

Yesterday, we asked the musical question "Did Jonah actually double the five dollar Christmas bonuses for the Bugle staff as he promised?"


Panel from Marvel Team-Up (1972 series) #79 (March 1979), co-plot and script by Chris Claremont, co-plot and pencils by John Byrne, inks by Terry Austin, colors by Glynis Wein, letters by Tom Orzechowski
To quote Charles Dickens: he was better than his word. Or, maybe, just exactly the same as his word.

Tomorrow: More of the Twelve Christmas Bonuses of Jameson!

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 351: Jonah's office wall is made of solid milk chocolate

Remember yesterday's actual documentation that the standard J. Jonah Jameson Christmas bonus was five bucks? Here's the later-in-the-story callback in which he promises to increase that bonus by a factor of two!


Panels from Marvel Team-Up #106 (June 1981), script by Tom DeFalco, pencils by Herb Trimpe, inks by Mike Esposito, colors by Carl Gafford, letters by Diana Albers
Will Jonah keep his made-under-Scorpion-duress Christmas promise? We shall see.