366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 212: Crisis on Infinite Jonahs Week, Day 7: Love, Reign o'er Me. At least, I hope that's love.

Okay, okay, let's see if we can get through this one together without a lot of snickering. Yes, yes, it's the one where it's the dark dank dismal future of Earth-70237, and Mary Jane Watson is dead, killed by Peter's "stuff." I am not certain what this means, actually. Maybe he had some dangerous weaponry in the attic, or his collection of 1950s Atlas monster comics fell on her. Anyway, she's dead, he's in bad shape, it rains a lot, and you certainly don't need spindly little cranky Old Man Logan Jonah showing up on your apartment doorstep.


Panel from Spider-Man: Reign #1 (February 2007); script, pencils, inks, and colors by Kaare Andrews, letters by Chris Eliopoulos
He's about as welcome a houseguest as a Jehovah's Witness selling band candy to support Bernie Sanders going to Capital City for the semi-finals. Also: land shark. And he pretty much gets the reaction you'd expect and he deserves. What, Jonah, he's been living there since the mid-sixties, you never thought to visit Peter before then? Well, maybe he was just creeped out by that "Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better" poster.


But it turns out that this ancient newspaperman actually has a heart of gold, that is, the parts of his heart that haven't shut down from smoking a carton of cigars a day. Jonah's at last putting the needs of the many against the needs of the few (or the one) — In this grim dystopian future, Spider-Man needs to return, must return, shall return. Right?


Eh, maybe not.


Reign! A story completely without cheer, hope, or fun. But at least it gave us bald old J. Jonah Jameson punched out into a filthy puddle, and I think we can all excuse a few dead Mary Janes to see that.

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 210: : Crisis on Infinite Jonahs Week, Day 5: Marvel Team-up X-Treme

Earth-96282. "What If J. Jonah Jameson Adopted Spider-Man?" And it had this as the final page.


Page from What If (1989 series) #82 (February 1996), script by William Messner-Loebs, pencils by Anthony Williams, inks by Andy Lanning, colors by Maria Parwulski, letters by Gaspar Saladino
That's about all I have to say about that.

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 208: Crisis on Infinite Jonahs Week, Day 3: Wedding Crashers

Before there was Spider-Gwen, before there was Gwenpool, there was a girl called Gwen Stacy, and she died. I may have mentioned this once or twice.

But on Earth-7736, an Earth about twelve and a half times better than Marvel's Earth-616 (do the math!), Gwen Stacy did not die! It's covered in the monumental What If #24, and you can see all the circumstances here in one of my old posts. What If? #24 is my second favorite ish of that can't-kill-it title (after the Shakespearean twist on Doctor Doom in #22), and it's partly because it saves one of my favorite supporting characters un comics from a fate worse than death (being brought back as a clone repeatedly).

What's the other part? Well, first let's check in on J. Jonah Jameson of Earth-7736. He's a jerk. A life-ruining jerk.


Panels from What If? (1977 series) #24 (December 1980), script by Tony Isabella; breakdowns by Gil Kane; finishes by Frank Giacoia with Carl Gafford, Peter Poplaski, Ron Zalme, and Joe Albelo; colors by Joe Rosas, letters by Tom Orzechowski
Gee, I almost didn't recognize Gwen there without her trademark headband.

Needless to say, never do that to anybody's wedding, no matter how long a pause the minister gives you after "If anyone here should see any just cause why the couple here should not be married..." Don't do that. It's just jerky. I didn't do it at Keira Knightley's wedding, and neither should you. For the sake of Aunt May's tender heart if nothing else.


Also in this issue: the origin of Gwen Stacy's crippling tinnitus.


Remember when I said before it was a happy story? Well, I lied. (I do that sometimes.) This is right up there withthe ending to every episode ever of The Incredible Hulk TV series. Cue the tinkling piano!


No one dies in this continuity — not even Norman Osborn — but it's a more striking twist than usual for What If?, the series of which it has been said "every issue ends with Iron Man being killed." Regardless of my preference for happy endings, I love this story because it sets up a status quo unusual for most of the rest of the series: it's a springboard for even more stories. It not only demands a sequel, I'd love to see a couple year's continuity set in this universe, with Spidey on the run, Aunt May hovering on the edge of death and despair, and the unlikely trip of Gwen, Flash, and Robbie searching to clear Peter's name, while JJJ ponders his actions from his throne of fame. It is perhaps the richest of possibilities and maybe the purest and closest to Roy Thomas's original concept of What If?: to spur thought and imagination into how a single small change can alter familiar characters and actions. It's the promise and imagination of infinite Earths and the multiverse of stories within them.

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 207: Crisis on Infinite Jonahs Week, Day 2: "What news?" "None, my lord, but that the world's grown honest." "Then is doomsday near?"

Welcome to Earth-311! Property of Neil Gaiman. Aw, what doesn't he own?



Panels from 1602: New World #1 (September 2005), script by Greg Pak, pencils by Greg Tocchini, inks by Mark Morales, colors by Morry Hollowell and Wil Quintana, letters by Todd Klein
Jonah Jameson of 1602: the only Jonah to die of cholera, like everyone else in this comic book.

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 206: Crisis on Infinite Jonahs Week, Day 1: Some Fantastic Place

Because if there's anything better than a Jonah on one earth, it's a Jonah on Infinite Earths! Let's travel not through the multiverse to peer through the venetian blinds like the Late Great Watcher on realities removed from ours...one step beyond! So this week, all week, don't watch that Jonah, watch these Jonahs! Like this one, from Earth-772..a world where making that flaming "4" in the sky suddenly got more challenging for Johnny Storm!




Panels from What If (1977 series) #1 (February 1977), script by Roy Thomas, pencils by Jim Craig, inks by Pablo Marcos, colors by Janice Cohen, letters by John Costanza
Yes, that's Crisis on Infinite Jonahs Week, where as long as there's a Jonah, no universe is off bounds!