366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 144: Another trip to the cardiac ward for JJJ

Panels from Civil War #2 (August 2006), script by Mark Millar, pencils by Steve McNiven, inks by Dexter Vines, colors by Morry Hollowell, letters by Chris Eliopoulos

366 Days with J. Jonah Jameson, Day 28: I'm hoping this scene is in the Captain America: Civil War movie and it guest-stars J.K. Simmons

Cover of Civil War: Front Line #2 (August 2006), painting by John Watson

Monday Night Murals: Downtown the young ones are growing

Ah, crossovers. What better time for the kids across the street to come over and play games with us? Better play nice, kids, or we'll take our ball and go home!

Covers of Civil War: Young Avengers & Runaways#1-4 (September-December 2006),
art by Jim Cheung, John Dell, and Justin Ponsor
Click image to Stature-size


Despite Wolverine continually knocking on their door asking if he can guest-star, I'm generally a fan of keeping the Runaways as far removed from the Marvel Universe as possible , but I always enjoy their team-ups with those other adolescent adventurers, the Kid Junior Pint-Size Young Avengers, especially if we get a decent both-teams mural across all four issues. (Except hey, where's Old Lace?)

Because gluing my covers together above leaves a few seam gaps and mismatches, here's a better, single image of the whole shebang and kaboodle:

Click image to crossover-size

Hey, why is Hawkeye about to shoot Nico?

365 Days with Hank McCoy, Day 94

Panel from Civil War: X-Men #3 (November 2006), script by David Hine, pencils by Yanick Paquette and Aaron Lopresti; inks by Serge LaPointe and Jay Leisten; colors by Stephane Peru, letters by Rus Wooton

Roy Thomases of the Olllllllllld West

Cough.

What's little, stuffed, bovine, and can be described using the title of a Michael Moore movie? No, it's not my sister and her stuffed rabbit Roger...it's me, Sicko himself, battling a raw red sore throat, dripping mucus, and a hacking (and yet "productive") cough at all hours of the day! (I'm sure that's more information that you ever needed to know about me.) So instead of being a small bull today, I'm also a little ho(a)rse. Ha ha ha ha cough cough COUGH COUGH COUGH CHOKE CHOKE COUGH! (wheeze, gasp, pant) Okay. I'm fine now. (cough)

I just got back from my kindly stuffed animal doctor (doing intern work at the Doll Hospital) who pulled up my shirt and listened to my chest with her stethoscope and went "Hmmmmmm" a lot. I explained I had been looking on the internet and thought I might have bronchitis, which is not, as I had thought at first, a side dish to those big BBQ ribs you get at that Flintstones's drive-inn diner, but which is an infection that causes hacking cough with sputum. Then I looked up "sputum," and I wished I hadn't.

Anyway, kindly Dr. Yang said I had a lot of mucus in there with my beans and fluff, but she poo-pooed my amateur diagnosis and said it might be allergies or something less severe, and she gave me a prescription for some ultra-high powered antibiotics which apparently are the Kal-El of antibiotics: they're so powerful against bacteria that after five days of these you can't even eat a spoonful of yoghurt without it dissolving off your spoon before it gets in your mouth. She also poked me in the tummy and said I should cut down on the candy beans.

So now I'm lying in bed with a cup of orange juice and I'm taking my temperature every five minutes to see if it changes at all. I took my antibiotics and after not sleeping most of the night because I kept waking up coughing and choking (not fun!), I'm gonna take a little nap. What does that mean for you? Well, first of all, don't let me breathe on you. Second, "A Wodehouse a Week" will be delayed one day, but, to paraphrase my favorite alces alces, "Tomorrow fer shure!" I'm certain you will all agree it's worth the wait and hope that the slight delay doesn't disenchant you.

Oh, and before I drift off, just a tiny bit of comic book commentary so you don't feel completely foolish for coming here today:

1. Help me identify Cap's pallbearers here. From left to right: Ben Grimm, Rick Jones (?), T'Challa, Carol Danvers, Sam Wilson, Tony Stark. Tony Stark? Whoa, there's gonna be some awkward moments over the potato salad later, isn't there?
2. Number two is Rick Jones, is it? He should be a pallbearer, right?
3. Why must it always rain at a superhero funeral? Can't at least one of them catch a break and get a nice day?
4. Make sure you seal the tomb well so that Lex Luthor doesn't try to steal the body, guys!
5. Wouldn't this be a wonderful moment for Nick Fury to come back?

Cough! See ya tomorrow.

The House of Ideas Excuses (Furious Backpedaling Department)

Oh, I s'pose I shoulda put a SPOILER WARNING on that. Oh well.

"I say, Bill Foster, old bean, do be frightfully careful of that Clor fellow, won't you?...Whoopsie-daisies!"

Yesterday I wrote about how P. G. Wodehouse's American publishers changed the original titles of several of his books when they published them in the US. Which got me to thinkin'...

What If™ a popular American comic book got retitled when it was published in the UK?

Why, I think it would go something like this:

You've Got Mail! Or, "By My Nokia...Betrayed!"

I don't mean to invade the makin'-fun of UK news items territory of a story that surely the BBC's The Now Show will skewer next week (hopefully with a wonderful toe-tappin' song by Mitch Benn, the modern-day rock 'n' roll heir to Tom Lehrer), but here's a "huh...wha'?" news item from today's BBC:

Reid targets illegal immigrants

A new clampdown is aimed at preventing "foreigners" coming to the UK illegally and "stealing our benefits" and NHS services, [British Home Secretary] John Reid has said. Reid told the BBC he wanted to make life "uncomfortable and constrained" for illegal immigrants.

(snip)

The Home Office plans include a proposal to run a pilot scheme to send text messages reminding people not to overstay their visas.

"This new approach will make life in this country ever more uncomfortable and constrained for those who come here illegally," the home secretary said.

(snip)

Shadow home secretary David Davis accused John Reid of giving up on trying to deport hundreds of thousands of illegal immigrants, preferring to "spam them with text messages".

Shadow immigration minister Damian Green said: "The idea that you are texting someone, saying that we are on your trail, is just a joke. Do they have the mobile numbers of more than half a million illegal immigrants? No, of course they don't."

Now, the UK is lightyears beyond us in mobile phone technology (I think they have cellulars that, when stolen, will shout aloud ''Elp! 'Elp! I'm bein' pinched! Strewth!"), and the idea of texting someone them the equivalent of "'Allo, 'allo, what's all this then?" isn't so outrageous when you consider that only last month MI-5 instituted a new programme where you could sign up to receive terror and threat alerts via email on your mobile or Blackberry. Giving you, I suppose, just enough time to duck into Tesco Metro for some cheap plonk and an aubergine before hopping on the Northern Line back to your flat to hide behind the lorry up the apple and pears. But I got to wonderin', as I often do: there are American industralists and media moguls who pay very close attention to what goes on, technology-wise, in the UK and in Europe, with an eye towards adapting it to the US market.

My point (and I do have one) is that this is exactly the sort of technology Tony Stark would be keeping a close eye on, wouldn't he? And there's a perfect use in today's modern Earth-616 for it, isn't there? Why, let's check it out in action...I think it would go something like this:

(SCENE: the middle of a battle between Spider-Man and Wolverine versus...oh, I dunno, take your pick...ninjas, Kraven the Hunter, M.O.D.O.K....don't really matter):

WOLVERINE: Fastball special, Webhead!
SPIDEY: You got it, partner! We'll take [these rejects from a Bruce Lee movie/Steve Irwin impersonator/grotesque giant floating head] down a peg or two!
SOUND EFFECT: (cellular phone ring tone: The Spider-Man theme song)
SPIDEY: Whoa, that's me. Hang on a second. (pulls out his cellular) Hey, I got a message.
WOLVERINE: Lemme see, bub. Another "special" photo from M.J.?
SPIDEY: Keep it in your pants, Canucklehead. No, look, it's a text message: "You are unregistered under the Superhuman Powers Registration Act. Please report immediately to the Negative Zone for processing and reassignment. Love, Tony."
WOLVERINE: Gosh, Spidey! I'm the best there is at what I do, but even I can't escape a threatening text message! They're sure to track you down now! How the heck're you gonna escape this one, huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?
(Spider-Man throws his cell phone into the East River)
WOLVERINE: Oh. That way. That was easy.
SOUND EFFECT: (cellular phone ring tone: "Take Off" by Geddy Lee)
WOLVERINE: Hang on, that's mine.
SPIDER-MAN: Threatening message from Stark?
WOLVERINE: Naw, booty call from She-Hulk.


I think it would be even more entertaining if you picture the whole scene performed by Chris Giarrusso's Mini-Marvels!:

Roughhousing (or, A Civil War #7 parable)

War without end.

"I am sick and tired of this war, and I can see no prospects of having peace for a long time to come, I don’t think it will ever be stopped by fighting, the Yankees cant whip us and we can never whip them, and I see no prospect of peace unless the Yankees themselves rebell and throw down their arms, and refuse to fight any longer."— J. T. Gibson, 78th Pennsylvania, Confederate Army

"I cannot believe the people will stand it any longer losing men by the thousands and money by the millions, for no one knows what as the end appears farther than it did in the beginning."—Delavan Bates, 121st New York Volunteers, Union Army, September 22, 1862

"I do not see as the war is any nearer to a close than it was when I enlisted. I am tired of this war. It is not a just war. If I had known as much when I enlisted as I do now I should of never come out."—Henry Howard Preston, 6th New York Calvary, Union Army

"I did think when I left Home that the war would not last over 15 months But now I would not Be Surprised If it last 5 years. Though it may Close Soon & I Hope it will. But I am Pretty certain it will not close Ere our time of Service is out."—Newton Scott, 36th Infantry, Iowa Volunteers, Union Army, July 22, 1864

"Will this War ever end, have we not been Scurged enough?"—Maria D. Noland, Mt. Air, South Carolina, July 19, 1864

"I wish the war would end I am getting tired of it."— James M. Hulen, 6th Regt. Missouri Volunteers, Confederate Army, March 26, 1865

"It looks like everybody will have to be killed before this war will end. I thought some time back that the war would end but it don't look like it will ever end. I hope and trust it will end before long so we can all come home and stay with you all.

Dear Sister I want to see you and the children the worst in the world. Dear Sister, I can say to you we see a hard time out here at this time. We don't get 1/2 enough to eat. When it gets so they can't feed us I think it is time to quit fighting, and the weather is so hot we can hardly stand it. It's almost like death to have to march....

I must come to a close for this time, you must write as soon as you can, So nothing more at this time I remain your brother until death."—H. J. Douvall, 14th Regiment, South Carolina Volunteer Infantry, Confederate Army, August 10, 1863

What kind of sick superhero snuff comic is this?!?

Mama Bull always used to tell me: "One bad apple can spoil the whole bunch, dear." I never really knew what she meant because I do enjoy yummy, yummy apples, and even if they are a little overripe then at least they are good for applesauce. And if the apple is truly bad, you just throw it away! See? It didn't spoil the other delicious, crisp, juicy apples at all!

Come to think of it, she also always told me to eat my spinach, and I don't think that's very good advice anymore either.

Anyway, I think I've finally sussed out Mama's advice here as applied to this week's comics. Every now and then a comic comes along that is so vile, so outrageously wrong, so disgusting, so out of character, so makes me wanna throw up in my mouth a little that it spoils the whole freakin' comic book week's reading experience for me.

That comic book is Krypto the Super Dog #1.

Haw! No, I kid Krypto the Super Dog. (In fact I didn't see it on the shelf and will look for it next week.) You know what comic I'm talkin' about here. I won't go as far to say it ruined my week, but I definitely got a sour taste in my mouth. And it ain't Lemonheads.

CIVIL WAR #4: This comic is not fun. In fact, I'll go so far to say that not only is this comic the least fun comic of the week, but also probably of 2006, even though we're only 3/4 of the way through the year. Sigh, It's just...it's just...look, the best way I can put this is that Marvel has achieved what they set out to with this series: they have reached the level set by DC in its bestselling Infinite Crisis: in the arm-ripping, head-rolling antics of Superboy-Prime, the final "Superboy" published by DC before the rights went back to his creator. As I said about some of the events in Infinite Crisis: what kind of sick superhero snuff comic is this?. And because I have been taught in homeschool to show my work, here's why:

• It's sensationalistic, gory, and blood-soaked, as shown in the lovingly-detailed splatter of Goliath's organs: spraying out in the style we've come to know from such recent superhero history as, say...oh, Blue Beetle getting his head blown off and Pantha's head being punched off. Look, I'm not saying violence and death cannot and should not occur in comics. But it's over the top so as to produce disgust instead of fright or empathy with the situation. Dagger says: "This is wrong...this is really, really wrong." Yep.
• It sacrifices one of the few minority characters in the Marvel Universe. Look, I'm defintely not saying that black characters should be untouchable in the MU. I'm definitely not saying that white characters should be the victims over any other races. I'm not even saying that I'm a big Goliath fan (honestly, I didn't know he was still alive.) But killing off a character for no specific storyline purpose except for shock value and as a sacrificial lamb is lazy, sloppy writing, and denies a future writer the chance of turning Goliath back into a viable, cool character. Killing off, by my calculations, one of the fewer than twelve black superhero characters in the Marvel Universe is a sad statement in the universe that values its diversity and progressive social nature.
• It's out of character. I'm not buying that this Tony Stark is the Iron Man we've been reading about for years. This story is a callback to the most ill-advised, reviled and objectionable Tony story, the idea that he was controlled by Kang and had to be replaced by Teen Tony. Why would you wish to revisit "The Crossing?" Civil War's Iron Man is out of character in what seems to me an attempt to imitate the "cooler" Ultimate Iron Man—more ruthless, more violent, more "extreme." But less Tony. Retconned away or forgotten now is the history that Stark opposed government interference in the world of superheroes. Gone is the concern and benevolence that Stark had for his fellow heroes. Gone is the humanity of Iron Man. I don't buy that Tony, circa Avengers #1, had the idea to pluck and save a strand of Thor's hair for later use. He's a smart guy and pre-emptive, but please don't project 21st century comics characterization onto 1963 comics stories—I find this a more objectionable continuity implant than Xavier covering up the death of a secret X-Men team. Finally, it's a dead-end path: there's no way to get Tony out of this heroically (and that may be Marvel's plan). They have altered and darkened Iron Man to a point of no redemption. And whatever has been done to Tony, has been done in spades to Reed Richards. You can claim Reed is beyond understanding, that his patented big brain is beyond us mere mortals to comprehend. I look in disgust on this Reed Richards and say that Reed has never, never done something that is so obviously morally and ethically wrong (and he is a most ethical if sometimes distracted man). Both these portrayals are so far out of character that I believe there must be some plan to prove they are not the real deals. This ain't Reed. That ain't Tony. It's a Skrull, a LMD, the Space Phantom, a Puppet Master or Loki-controlled man. But while Marvel heroes may make bad decisions or sometimes fight for the wrong team, they never have feet of clay.
• It's riddled with illogic and stupidity. Why create a Thor clone? If you can create a fake electronic Mjolnir, why doesn't Iron Man wield that himself? Why not build the fake-Mjolnir technology into the Iron Man armor instead? If the only answer is "a clone Thor provides a psychological edge," then why such poor programming that he doesn't even speak the fake-Shakespearean lingo? An even stupider error occurs at the giggle-worthy funeral of Goliath. He's so big that at his clichéd-rainy funeral they have to bury him in thirty-eight plots. Um. Too bad the pro-registration side doesn't have any access to shrinking technology or gas. Say, some freakin' Pym particles?
• It contains sloppy, embarrassing writing and continuity errors. Tony Stark has beaten Captain America until his "jaw's practically hanging off." But no, it isn't: not in the artwork. And Steve manages to talk clearly and intelligibly in the next panel. And in the last issue of Fantastic Four, The Thing left the team and America vowing to fight on neither side...yet here he is, fighting on Iron Man's pro-registration side. Add to that another count of out of character: sure, you can write Ben Grimm however you want to, but the Ben Grimm I've been reading for years, the Ben Grimm who has recently been written in his own series as a man who does the right (pun intended) thing, would not run away from what he believes, right or wrong. I appreciate a Ben Grimm who thinks and considers before he clobbers. I don't mind a tormented and hesitant Thing uncertain what to do. But if you write Ben Grimm as running away from something that makes him uncomfortable, something that requires he make a stand, if you show the Thing leaving the people (including Alicia) and the beliefs he lives by, and burying his head in the sand in a different country...then you're not writing The Thing, you're writing an imposter in a orange rocky outfit. And I don't wanna read about a fake Thing.

And I don't wanna read this sad, exploitative, no-one-can-win excuse for bringing Marvel Comics into the twenty-first century. This issue is my last. I will continue to pick up Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man and Nextwave and She-Hulk and X-Factor and Runaways and whatever Marvel Comics continue to depict and celebrate smart, fun writing and heroes I can believe in. But so long, Civil War. You did what you set out to: emulate Infinite Crisis. And like that series, I don't find you fun or worthy of continued support.

By those standards, everything else this week is fun.

52 WEEK 20: This comic is fun. The mystery of Supernova continues. One of the better Steel sequences in this series so far. A startling twist on Luthor's generosity. The origin of Adam Strange, drawn by Kevin Nowlan! Pope Lobo...how can you not love the concept of Pope Lobo?!? And at last, an origin for the Emerald Eye! This comic does not contain any giant-sized rain-soaked funerals. So it's fun.


X-MEN: FIRST CLASS #1: This comic is fun. I haven't been reading any X-Men comics in quite a while, so choosing First Class as my Pick Up One New Comic Title I Haven't Been Reading book of the week was a risky move for this little stuffed bull. Imagine my surprise to find this was actually a pretty nicely-done-in-one adventure set during the first year of the X-Men's history and starring the original five mutants. I'm not exactly certain who precisely was askin' for the unseen adventures of Cyclops, Beast, angel, Marvel Girl and Iceman: this kind of approach has either been poorly done (Professor X and the X-Men) or has been slow and rambling with plots and subplots stretching on for months and months (X-Men: The Hidden Years). It's not a brilliant, exceptional comic by any means, but it's got charm, humor, good personalization (I like any comic that reminds us that Hank McCoy is freakin' brilliant, even as a teen) and a nicely-done Star Trek-ish ending that still has plenty of room for action. I'll even forgive the unnecessary topical reference to an X-Box game system, which like the cell phones in Hidden Years or the Seinfeld reference in FF: First Family, is so jarring that it probably just should have been left out. Of course, this comic does not contain any out-of-character Sue Richards abandonment of her children, two people she would most fight to the death to protect. So it's fun.


RUNAWAYS #20: This comic is fun. The best superhero comic Marvel produces continues to mix teen drama and high adventure and serves as a lesson in characterization: if you're going to have a hero perform ethically or morally questionable acts, to make a deal with the devil(s), then give him a solid or at least believable in the context of the story reason for doing so. This comic does not contain scenes of Captain America declaring "Let them leave if their freedom means so little to them." So it's fun.


X-FACTOR #11: This comic is fun. An "everything you know is wrong" twist about Jamie Madrox kicks off this issue and leads me to slap my hoof on my forehead and say "Hey, that's right! Why did we always accept that about Madrox when it violates the rules of every other mutant?" It's clever, yes, but it serves a valuable storyline point and I'm enjoying the twists and turns Peter David is giving this series in a pitch-perfect update of the Stan Lee formula: progress the story but keep everything moving along with subplots, mysteries, and action that make you want to read the next issue because not every single loose end is wrapped up even at the end of a storyline. And while one of the members of X-Factor has been turned into a cold-blooded murderer (incidentally leading to The Best Line of the Week: "...which is like killing someone in warm blood. Except the air-conditioning was on."), it's made clear that his was mentally controlled against his will by villains. So, unlike other comics out this week, this comic does not contain any crazed-eyed murdering superheroes biogenetically created and mentally programmed by two men I considered heroes. So it's fun.


NEXTWAVE #8: This comic is fun. If the Marvel Universe is a family, Nextwave is the anarchic and brilliant black-sheep uncle who roars into the family reunion after it's already started, tossing pixy sticks to the kids and showing off the risqué photos he took at your dad's bachelor party. In short, the uncle you'd much rather hang around with than, say, Iron Man or Captain America, because he's not interested in arguing superhero registration with your dad Tony and grandfather Steve over the hot dish on the picnic table; he's instead showing you Mindless Ones watching American Idol, waiting for the bus, enjoying a pleasant night out in a sports bar and most brilliantly, re-enacting West Side Story. All this plus the freakin' kick-ass origin of Elsa Bloodstone, and Dormammu's kid brother who really, really likes the Suicide Girls. There's no better example of the diversity and variety you can get in the Marvel Universe than this black-humored, over-the-top extravaganza of the weirder, outrageous corners of the Marvel Universe. This comic does not contain so-called heroes attempting to gain force of numbers by recruiting crazed murdering supervillains to their ranks. So it's not only fun, but it's also the most fun comic of the week. And nobody had to get burned through the chest with a hammer lightning strike for it to be so. So no, I'm definitely not giving up on Marvel Comics. I just want 'em to be...is this too much to ask?... fun.

The Man in the Iron Mask

So, there I was, readin' the latest issue of Wizard...

I've lost you all already, haven't I?

...okay, I was reading a glossy periodical about superhero comics, which featured a special Wizard exclusive 7-page color preview of the upcoming, 2007 post-Civil War comic Mighty Avengers. Since apparently there's no comic book Marvel publishes that isn't worthy of being several comic books Marvel publishes, this is a spin-off and accompanying monthly title to New Avengers (which continues to be a disappointment to me merely for its ongoing lack of Mike Gambit and Purdey). Seriously, I don't imagine I'll be picking up Mighty Avengers, but I've got no ill will towards it, except for the probability that it'll keep Frank Cho away from the now-apparently once-yearly Liberty Meadows.

But what is an Avengers comic without a line-up of powerful iconic heroes mixed in with a handful of second-stringer fan favorites? Nothin', I tell you! Nothin'! And in the tradition of Cap's Kooky Quartet and that team where the Beast and Moondragon were the heavy hitters, the membership is made up of heroes likely to both please and cause severe shrugging across this land. When the call goes out for "Mighty Avengers Mightily Assemble!", answering the call will be the line-up of Ms. Marvel, Sentry, Wasp (yay!), Black Widow, Ares, Wonder Man (double yay!) and Iron Man.

One of these members surprised the stuffin' out of me. No, it's not Ares.

Says me: "What the Sam Scratch is Iron Man doin' on this team?"

Don't get me wrong. I'm a long-time Iron Fan. I was there for the dopey days when the Mandarin had a "M" on his chest. I remember the name of Tony Stark's yacht (Throatwarbler Mangrove). I read along when Tony was soused in rich, buttery, Kentucky bourbon, so fully proofed you could scratch and sniff the alcohol on the comics page. I read "Spores," for Pete's sake. But there's never been a darker time for our pal Tony than right now.

Okay, okay. "The Crossing" and Teen Tony. I was blanking it out of my mind, okay? But aside from that, there's never been a darker time for Tony than right now—his manipulations and machinations have pitted hero against hero, torn teams apart, forced friends to become enemies, and shuffled a publishing schedule so dramatically that there weren't even any Marvel comics in the stores this week when I walked in with my sackful of dimes. In other words, the more Civil War goes on, the more likely it looks that Tony Stark is moving beyond redemption, that he's going to take a major fall, that his oddly out-of-character but nevertheless current canon puppeteer status is going to bring him down low, preferably under the heel of a red boot with a metal shield pressed against his neck.

In other words, I don't see how Tony can continue to be a hero in the Marvel Universe for at least a while following Civil War. The interview with Brian Michael "Um...you know?" Bendis that accompanies the Wizard preview hints at that as well:

"Who says Tony lives after Civil War? Who says he hasn't bequeathed his armor to a new generation of hero? Who says it's not Cap in the armor?"

Interesting thought. Possibly misleading. But I don't think that's Tony. I don't think that's Cap. So who's behind the iron mask in Mighty Avengers? Let's take a look at the very little evidence we have so far. He's a bit of a wise-cracker:

Not so much a madcap jokester, by any means. But that exchange suggests a lighter, more jokey Iron Man. Someone who's used to joking during battle? Non sequiturs galore? Perhaps toning it down a little bit from the usual trademark tomfoolery? Hmmm. How about this:

New powers? Well, I'm not as up on recent Iron Man storylines as I should be, but certainly the repulsor ray technology is as ancient as Happy Hogan, and "full form" repulsor ray technology is something I think I've definitely seen before. So is it really new to Iron Man? I don't think so. But...might it be new to this Iron Man?

I'm going to guess now, and we won't find out for months, but you can bookmark this blog entry and check back in February 2007 to see if I'm anywhere close, or if you can laugh at me for being so gullible. Because I think that's a new hero in the Iron Man armor. I think we've seen this hero before, but not as Iron Man.

This isn't a spoiler warning, 'coz I'm just guessing. But stop reading now if you don't wanna see any guesses about this storyline.

...

...

... I think the new Iron Man is Peter Parker.

Here's what I think will happen at the end of Civil War: Tony Stark will be disgraced or in exile (I hope not dead!). He'll be either in hiding or on the run for a while. And Peter Parker, who recently gave up his secret identity, needs one. He knows how to work, move, and fight in Stark armor now. Whatever his feelings towards Tony at the end of the storyline, Stark has been a mentor, confidant and friend: the father figure Peter hasn't had since the death of Uncle Ben. I believe that however Civil War shakes out, Peter is going to feel he owes a debt to Tony Stark. And he will replace that by donning the red-and-gold, by redeeming the name of the Iron Avenger. He's a bit inexperienced at the power and intense strength of the armor, so it's a learning curve for him. Since he's keeping his ID as Iron Man secret (to protect the hopefully still-around Mary Jane and May), he's going to have to ramp down the wisecracks during battles. Despite his increased strength, he's more dependent on his teammates to aid him than ever before. What does this mean for the Spider-Man titles, you ask? My guess is...almost nothing. I don't think Marvel will try to replace Peter as Spider-Man. ("Again.") After Civil War, in my scenario, Pete's still Spider-Man too. Plenty of room to appear in umpteen Spidey titles monthly and still star in Mighty Avengers and Iron Man (if there is an Iron Man series after this). He's going to have to divide his life between the publicly known Spidey and the secret new Iron Man. And let's face it, doesn't the more complicated Peter Parker's life get, the more intriguing his adventures become?

I dunno. This is all an early guess based on a couple panels in a tiny preview. Next month we might see a preview of a post-Civil War cover featuring Spidey and Irony together. But until I've been proven wrong, I think it's an interesting and dramatic twist that—if it's only a finite storyline with a definite end in eventual sight—could be kinda fun. I've got some quibbles with Civil War but I'm actually enjoying the "Spider-Man: Unmasked" storylines and how Peter and Tony's friendship have led to this point. A little shake-up is good for what ails ya, and as I think history is proven, the toys don't necessarily need to be back in place by the time of next summer's movie, do they? (They never have yet, have they?)

But what do I know? I thought Monarch was Captain Atom.

Meet me back here in five or so months and let's find out, shall we?

(singing to myself as I wander away: "Iron Man, Iron Man, does whatever an Iron can...")

Comics on a Plane

I'm sure you all have heard the phrase "Water, water, everywhere, and not a drop to drink?" No, even though I spent the week in Sub San Diego, that's not a reference to an Aquaman story but rather the fact that I spent the entire week at San Diego Comic Con, completely surrounded on all four and occasionally five sides by comic books, and yet didn't have a chance to pick up last week's new comics. And with a long, long plane trip back home to New York, I need a stack o' comics for in-flight reading. What's the solution? The solution, as always, is easily solved by the next best thing to a Green Lantern power ring: Hertz's amazing Neverlost GPS technology. Just ask its pleasant Midwestern female artificial intelligence to direct you to the nearest comic book shop, and up pops easy-to-follow driving directions:


And mere minutes later, Linda the Neverlost Voice has directed me to On Comic Ground:


On Comic Ground is a small but well-stocked store on University Avenue, with a pleasant clerk who directs me to the previous week's comics. There's also a solid selection of back issues which I hoof through looking for some books off my wish list that I didn't have a chance to look for at Comic-Con. Yay! They have those issues of Sub-Mariner and Tales of Suspense I've been looking for, and at easy-to-afford prices. Thanks, On Comic Ground!

The Pleasant Clerk and I briefly schmooze about just-concluded Comic-Con and I learn On Comic Ground is actually a smaller shop on the site of the former larger Comic Kingdom store, which I'd never been to on my earlier, brief visits to San Diego but which I've heard about. It's always sad when a big comic book store goes bust, but I'm glad there's still a shop at this location.

I also spent some of my hard-earned dimes on a big stack o' comics from last Wednesday and instead of diving into them immediately, I stowed them away in my backpack to have plenty of readin' entertainment on the plane. So as I read these thirty thousand feet above the Kansas cornfields, I'm reviewing them longhoof and will transfer my notes to the blog later on. And in my first use of startling new airline technology, I'm comparing comics and their fun quotient to famous movies about flying that may or may not be fun. I'm going to keep the reviews brief, however, so I have plenty of time to savor the lovely airline food and to enjoy the in-flight movie, Please Return Your Tray to Its Fully Upright and Locked Position, starring Susan Sarandon and Kevin Costner. Who says this isn't the age of American Airlines comics blogging? Go ahead, tell me who said it wasn't! Tell me!


52 WEEK 11: This comic is as fun as the movie Airplane! There's something diff'rent about the new Batwoman that I can't put my hoof on at the moment, but I've kinda got a big Bully crush on her. Do you think if I send her a nice buncha flowers she will fall in love with me? I bet she will. Anyway, this issue of 52 has a lot going on, and I'll overlook creepy obsessed sad Ralph Dibney for the moment for a lot of rip-roarin' action starring Reneé Montoya and the Question, who are fast becoming my two fave characters of this series. Aside from the new Batwoman, of course! I'm kinda sweet on her.


SIMPSONS COMICS #119: This comic is as fun as the movie Airplane! I almost always enjoy any issue of Simpsons Comics but the best of the best hit it out of the four-color park with a story that's as clever and funny as the TV series itself. This one does that: the saga of Homer's attempt to win Mr. Burns's Trumpish reality show could easily be a decent Sunday-night-on-Fox episode. And no pesky promos for The War at Home!


FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SPIDER-MAN #10: This comic is not fun, much like the movie Fearless. And I'm giving it that mark only for the last couple pages, which is either a horrible betrayal of the Uncle Ben of Earth-2 or wherever he came from, or some sort of weird switcharoo that's horribly choreographed and confusingly drawn: either way it obviously isn't the end of Uncle Ben-B's story, but it left a horrible taste in my mouth and made me regret the fact that I earlier said "Aw, I trust Peter David with this Uncle Ben Returns storyline." I know there's more to come, but the twist is just so nasty and confusing that I can't tell what it is that's really goin' on, but this little stuffed bull knows it ain't fun.


ETERNALS #2: This comic is as fun as the movie Airplane! On the other hand, Neil Gaiman pulls off a solid mix of action, mystery, adventure, moodiness, and a nice Kirby homage without slavishly copying the King in his Eternals revamp. John Romita Jr. turns in some very nice art—this guy just keeps getting better and better in his art career, I think!—and while the twists and mysteries are less confusing if you're read a Kirby Eternals book, it's still stands solidly on its own as a decent "everything you know is wrong" comic. My only disappointment? That Marvel didn't actually set up a www.partiesbysersi.com website. Who doesn't want their next party planned by Sersi?


SHE-HULK #9: This comic is as fun as the movie Airplane! First, a bit of old business: just to let you know I did not skip She-Hulk #8 because I didn't care at all for #7. No, I simply missed it and its Civil War-themed jacket on the comic book store stand, and now it's sold out, and back issues are going for more green than Shulkie at the beach! (Haw!) No, I ain't droppin' this book, 'specially since the new one is a whole bucket o' fun, even from the cover. You all know I'm no fan of Greg Horn's covers, but this one actually works, is fun and attractive! Maybe it's just that Mister Horn draws good bling. Anyway, this ish features a wedding I'm much more interested in than the overblown Storm and Panther Wedding of the Century (after all, were T'Challa and Ororo married by Elvis?> I think not!), and even better, Jen faces off against her father-in-law J. Jonah Jameson, who is not having a good week!


CIVIL WAR #3: This comic is not fun, much like the movie Fearless. I dunno. I like the story possibilities the unmasking of Spidey that this series has brought us, but guess I'm just gettin' tired of characters I consider heroes actin' like jerks. Why is Mister Fantastic so narrow-minded? Why are the X-Men the equivalent of being conscientious objectors? Why is Iron Man completely betraying the friends and ideals he's stood for in over forty years of his own series? Why is Ben Grimm...Ben Grimm!...fighting his friends? The only high spot is the surprise last-page reappearance of one of my fave Marvel heroes. I imagine next issue he'll make me mad at him as well. Sigh.


JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA #0: This comic is sorta fun, like the movie Air Force One. I don't mind the flashbacks and flash-forwards in this, which is basically just a teaser for next month's new series, but the unevenness of the "all star cast of artists" and the usual Brad Meltzer confusing and wandering dialogue isn't a big draw for me. I'm interested to see who will be in the new JLA, but there's no real resolution in here; there's not even a real story or plot. I won't hold that against a zero issue which is more about setting tone and mood, but the regular series had better have more substance and a faster plot or I'm going to get disappointed real fast.


RUNAWAYS #18: This comic is fun, just like the movie Airplane! But kinda sad at the same time. A cheerful and joyous cover that leads to an all-out fight scene and a death in the Runaways? Sniff. One of the more touching Marvel deaths in the past several years. Civil War could take in a lesson in writing characters you care about from Runaways. All that and The Best Line of the Week: "Killing him would be the biggest mistake of your life. And I'm factoring those shoulder pads into the equation."


X-FACTOR #9: This comic is fun, just like the movie Airplane! Here's some proof that the basic idea behind "Civil War" is sound: like here and in She-Hulk, the Superhero Registration Act plotline can be interesting and compelling. If only what the Act itself was stayed consistent from book to book...it's almost as if the writers weren't communicating or there was no clear editorial control...but that can be possible, can it? Can it? Anyway, it's not that hard to make the X-Men look like careless jerks these days, but at least Peter David gives it some humor and believability to the situation at the same time he sets up a more specific role for X-Factor in the post-House of M Marvel Universe. Why...it's almost as if Peter has some sort of plot and game plan in mind...how unique is that?!?


GUMBY #1: This comic is the most fun comic of the week and can only be compared to the most fun airplane movie of all time, Snakes on a Plane! Golly. The sort of fun and charming comic that hasn't been seen in a long, long time, as two of my favorite creators, Bob Burden and Rick Geary, tackle everybody's favorite clay boy in an adventure featuring a wagon full of shoes, Mexican food, Invincible Man, evil clowns, and luvvvvvvvvvv. The art is colorful and gorgeous and everything down to the lettering is pitch perfect: really, you can be a kid or a kid at heart and you'll love this book. I highly recommend it, whether or not you're on an airplane, and I have a strong feeling it's gonna be on my year-end list of Most Fun Comics of 2006. Miss it at your own peril and loss of fun, kemosabe!

I have to go now. Hot towels are being passed out to everyone. Hot towels! I love flying!