Countdown to Halloween: Jack Kirby's Monsters! Night Eight: The Beetle Who Said He Was Bigger Than Jesus*

Hey hey we're the Beetles
And people say we beetle around

Whoops, wrong pop group.


Cover of Tales to Astonish #39 (January 1963), script by Stan Lee, pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Dick Ayers, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Artie Simek
For all the Fin Fang Fooms and Xemnus and Rombii that manage to survive the Monster Age and move into the Marvel Age, brushing shoulders with Thor, Wolverine, and Chipmunk Hunk, there's dozens of monsters who just couldn't cut the mustard to make it into the big 616. Alas, poor Lt. Broccoli, Roller Ghoster, and Ting Tong. You just weren't good enough to eventually face off against the Hulk, the She-Hulk, or Teen Hulk.

And then there's this schlemiel.


Splash page from "The Vengeance of the Scarlet Beetle!" in Tales to Astonish #39 (January 1963), plot by Stan Lee, script by Larry Lieber, pencils by Jack Kirby, inks by Dick Ayers, colors by Stan Goldberg, letters by Artie Simek
Ant-Man! The hero so important Stan Lee passed him off to his brother to write. Ant-Man! The only one of the monster mags-turned-superhero anthology headliners who didn't get his own series in the late sixties. Ant-Man! He has the powers of the ants! The same ants, in fact, who alert him to danger when they're not busy appearing in Raid commercials. Dangers like...this! Yep, Batman had a Bat-Signal. Ant-Man has bugs.


This scarlet beetle is aptly named The Crimson Cootie! Naw, I'm just kiddin' ya. He's called the Scarlet Beetle. And since his plans were so contingent upon growing to enormous size using Ant-Man's patented Pym Particle gas, it's a pretty good thing Ant-Man is the one who stumbled across the Scarlet Beetle in the first place. Good thing he didn't run into, say, Giant Man first. Oh wait, that would have worked too. Okay, good thing he wasn't facing the Wasp. Darn it! I guess the S.B. woulda gotten big any way.


And so the Scarlet Beetle unleashes his inhuman (well, literally) army upon the word! Termites tear down the telecommunications systems! World leaders are poisoned by itsy-bitsy spiders! And…uh…bugs carry away crates of dynamite right behind the back of Beetle Bailey. And with that name, he's the one G.I. who might have been sympathetic to their cause! Also: the Scarlet Beetle breaks into your local newscast.


I'd like to think, however, that in the Marvel Universe, they're always prepared for just such a television station interruption.


Natch, the ants remain faithful and obedient to their human master, the Ant-Man! (Which is kind of creepy on the natural scale if you think about it.) He orders them to fetch DDT to use against the Scarlet Beetle's men insects. Whoa, Hank, that's hardcore. I kind of thought there were some sort of Geneva Antvention rules about the use of a chemical weapon so deadly it will wipe out both sides. Eh, what does he care? He's Ant-Man!


An Ant-Man story that has a climatic battle among giant-sized toys? That'll never be realistic! Incidentally, I like how the Scarlet Beetle has put Hank Pym's belt around himself. Why does a beetle wear a belt? To hold up his ants.


Around about this time Captain America or Iron Man or Daredevil would have been dragging this insect irritant down to the police station, or, failing that, put them up for the weekend in the local Roach-tel California. ("Bugs check in, but they can never leave.) What does Ant-Man do? He puts the Beetle in a balloon. Y'know, just for fun I like to imagine that it's Michael Douglas doing all this crazy stuff. Hey, two-time Academy Award-winner Michael Douglas...put a big beetle inside a balloon! Haw!


And then he just lets him go. Good work, Dr. Pym. No wonder the last two frames are about how the public thinks you're completely useless.

The Scarlet Beetle next appears in 1972's Iron Man #44, but thanks to the magic of chronological ret-continuity implant, his next historical appearance in the Marvel Universe is in 1996's Untold Tales of Spider-Man, where a freshly-bitten Peter Parker squares off against our favorite red roach. Thanks, Kurt Busiek, for helping us laugh at Scarlet Beetle, again!





Panels from Untold Tales of Spider-Man #12 (August 1996), script by Kurt Busiek, pencils by Pat Olliffe, inks by Al Vey and Pam Eklund, colors by Steve Mattsson, letters by Richard Starkings
Now, a quick jump back to '72, where the Scarlet Beetle returns, feistier than ever, once again setting the insect world against the human world. Also, apparently, he's a mutant. Ah, that finally explains all the issues of Wolverine and the X-Men where Scarlet Beetle is hanging around in the back of the classroom scribbling "S.B.+O.M." in his Mead® Square Deal® Black Marble Composition Book. Sadly, all of the other mutants used to laugh and call him names.


Panels from "Armageddon On Avenue A" in Iron Man #44 (January 1972), script by Roy Thomas, pencils by Ross Andru, inks by Mike Esposito, letters by Jean Izzo
Wow, if that guy thinks this is the end of the world, wait until Earth-1610 crashes into the planet. Kinda puts a few bugs into perspective, doesn't it? And proving you can't teach an old bug new tricks, Scarlet here tries to take over the world using the exact same trick he used in his first appearance: stealing the Pym gas. I like to think that he actually just missed the dramatic look and stylish lines of that snazzy belt, though.


Scarlet Beetle is defeated the way all good insect villains usually go out: trodden under the sole of the shoe of a guy who was trying to burn down his own business for the insurance money. Man, what a cliche! If we've seen that story ending once we've seen it a milltimes!


So there ya go. the Scarlet Beetle: dead. Until he wasn't anymore. (gestures dramatically) Comics!


Panels from West Coast Avengers #34 (July 1988), script by Steve Englehart, layouts by Al Milgrom, finishes by Mike Machlan, colors by Paul Becton, letters by Janice Chiang
And did I mention this time there's a whole hive of Scarlet Beetles, and they're working for a Communist dictator? Because that's what you do when you seize ultimate and total control of a country: bring in the giant red bugs. Incidentally, if you ever wondered what Vision's weakness is, it appears to be fighting insects. Ah, that explains all the times that Scarlet Witch would tie him down to the ground and pour honey all over his body! Um, I think. Possibly not.


Oh, wait. He can just use his super-forehead power beam on them. So, pretty much like every other enemy Vision fights, huh? He renders them irrelevant! Also: dead.


But, as the career of Ringo has taught us anything, it's that you can't keep a good beetle down. When he next returns, it's to beetle-devil the new Ant-Man, Scott Lang, by forming a super-villain team of his own, starring Bug-Punisher! Insectiron Man! Wolveroach! (©1981 Dave Sim) And many other Steve Ditko-pencilled background figures. Meet the all-new, all-different Mighty Antvengers! Unless this splash panel is some kind of crazy nightmare. Which, in fact, it is. The events in this panel do not occur in this comic book, folks!


Splash page from "Amazing Fantasy" in Amazing Spider-Man Annual #24 (1990), script by Tony Isabella, pencils and inks by Steve Ditko, colors by Bob Sharen, letters by Rick Parker
Cool, it's a Kirby monster drawn by Steve Ditko! You don't get that too often. Steve's taken such care to preserve the Kirbyosity of the original appearance that he's homaged the first two panels of Kirby's story (top) in his own style (bottom).


Oh, the Beetle's back and you're gonna be in trouble / Hey-la-day-la, the Beetle's back! Incidentally, he's still claiming to be a mutant. You know, Beetly, you can insist and argue all you want that you're a mutant and it's still not gonna increase your sales. Look at what happened when Cloak and Dagger were being promoted as being mutants. Their book still got cancelled! Plus, it's an insult to all true mutants. I think what I'm saying here is be what you are, not what you aren't.




Whew! It was just a dream.

Or…was it?

Yes. It was.


So, let's see how carefully you've been paying attention. Later, when She-Hulk is attacked by giant robotic insects, who do you think is behind it?



Panels from The Sensational She-Hulk #60 (February 1994), script by Scott Benson and Len Kaminski, pencils by Pat Olliffe, inks by Steve Montano, colors by Glynis Oliver, letters by Brad Joyce
Could the villain be the Locust? Black Tarantula? The Human Fly? Could it be Swarm, the Nazi Made of Bees? Nope, sorry! Those are all terrible guesses. It's the Scarlet Beetle.


And then She-Hulk kills him by swatting him with a newspaper.


We haven't seen exoskeleton or setae or the Red Beetle since then, even though he threatened to have his own four-issue miniseries during Secret Wars entitled Scarlet Fever. But the actual only sighting, if'n you can call it that, is a transcript of his disastrous local-cable debut, interviewed by Defenders supporting cast member Dollar Bill! Warning: may read like fan fiction.


Text page from Marvel Monsters: From the Files of Ulysses Bloodstone and the Monster Hunters one-shot (November 2005)
And so, as Bob Dylan famously sang

That's the story of the Scarlet Beetle
Got pinned in a book by a collector's needle

---

*To be fair, the Scarlet Beetle only claimed he was taller than Jesus.

Today in Comics History: Abraham Lincoln is not assassinated

Panels from Avengers West Coast #55 (February 1990), script and pencils by John Byrne, inks by Paul Ryan, colors by Bob Sharen, letters by Bill Oakley

Zing!

Panel from West Coast Avengers #15 (December 1986), script by Steve Englehart, layouts by Al Milgrom, finishes by Joe Sinnott, colors by Ken Feduniewicz, letters by Janice Chiang

Separated at Birth: Don't go in the water for one hour after after dying

L: [Uncanny] X-Men #101 (October 1976), art by Dave Cockrum
R: Avengers West Coast #71 (June 1991), art by Tom Morgan and Danny Bulandi

(Click picture to Titanic-size)

Sartorial Splendor of a Synthezoid (or, "Even an Android Can Buy...His Clothing from T. J. Maxx!")

Ladeez and gennlemen...I give you...

The Vision in a Sweater!

Panels from West Coast Avengers Annual #1 (1986), script by Steve Englehart, co-plot and pencils by Mark Bright, inks by Geoff Isherwood, colors by Petra Scotese, letters by Tom Orzechowski

Other interesting tidbits in this panel: Wonder Man proving, yes, indeed, he can have a costume worse than the one in Avengers #9, an early appearance by Crazy Wanda's fictional babies (later members of the Young Avengers), the fact that Wonder Man was present at the birth of Wanda's babies (hey, clear the delivery room, Simon!), not to mention Wonder Man politely assuming that Vizh and ScarWi have something better to do than to "crush the Avengers." (Also, looks like they have the same painting over their couch as The Simpsons.)

Still, don't let those bizarre points distract you from the weirdness and wackiness of...

The Vision in a Sweater!

Also, we learn that the Vision apparently likes Wands to cosplay as Hermione Grainger. Still...

The Vision in a Sweater!

One more look at...
The Vision in a Sweater!



Special Bonus:

The Vision in a Bathrobe!

Additional Special Bonus:

The Greatest Sound Effect of the Eighties!

365 Days with Ben Grimm: Day 14

Panels from West Coast Avengers #5 (February 1986), script by Steve Englehart, pencils by Al Milgrom, inks by Joe Sinnott, colors by Petra Scotese, letters by Janice Chiang

Time, Time, Time, See What's Become of Me #4: All Together Now

One of my favorite bits of YouTubery (or if you must get technical, GoogleVideography) is the clever, "wish I'd thought of that" mash-up of Back to the Future and Back to the Future, Part II, which shows, in split-screen, the famous Fish Under the Sea Enchantment Under the Sea Dance scenes from both movies simultaneously on a split-screen, pitting McFly versus McFly for the stakes of the very time-space continuum...oh, why don't we just watch?:



Brilliant! I was very inspired by this. Why, I asked myself, don't I put the three comics I've just read into chronological order? Now, I don't have any special video editing equipment, but I do have three comic books, a pair of safety scissors, and a big ol' pot of glue, so sit back and enjoy "The Amazing Rama-Tut Adventure 3D" in glorious Mash-Up Vision! (No special glasses required, but feel free to put 'em on anyway...they look cool!)

The scene: 2940 BC. (Just after teatime). Journeying along the past lives of Morgana Blessing in search for her soul, Doctor Stephen Strange arrives in Ancient Egypt, where he is startled to find himself in a futuristic Sphinx.


Unknown to the Master of the Mystic Arts, this time period is also host to four members of The West Coast Avengers, trapped in the past during a long time-journey:


Strange is knocked out by protective laser weapons inside the Sphinx:


Strange's unconscious form is dragged through the Sphinx by robots, until they're spotted by the West Coast Avengers:


The WCAs attempt to rescue Dr. Strange, but in the confusion his body is taken away by other robots:


...and carted through the corridors of the Sphinx.


He's placed in a stasis coffin...


Just before the robots seal him within its force field, Strange regains consciousness and sends his astral form out to freedom...


Seconds after that, Doctor Strange's astral projection escapes into the Sphinx just as the West Coast Avengers arrive to try to save him...


...but they're unsuccessful and move off again. They spend more of the rest of these events running around the Sphinx in seeming circles, trying to find some way to time travel back to their era while battling robots and warriors of Rama-Tut. More or less meanwhile, while traveling back in time to 2940 BC in search of a radioactive herb to cure blindness, the Fantastic Four are captured by the despotic pharoah Rama-Tut. As Rama-Tut gloats over his captives, they are observed by the non-corporeal Doctor Strange, and via close-circuited television elsewhere in the Sphinx, the West Coast Avengers.




As the Fantastic Four is dragged off, Doctor Strange catches sight of a young slave girl, whom he detects is the possessor of Morgana's soul fragment:


He follows her to another chamber, where he spies on the preparations being made to Susan Storm for her unwilling wedding to Rama-Tut, while the slave girl waits in the background:



Seeking to free the Fantastic Four, Dr. Strange observes a slave ship on which the Thing now serves as a slave rower. Unseen by anyone, he transmutes the cosmic rays of the sun upon the captive Thing, forcing him to transform into human Ben Grimm:



Spearheaded by Ben, the FF break free, causing Rama-Tut to flee into the depths of his Sphinx...


...where he comes face to face with Doctor Strange and the slave girl:


To elude Strange, Rama-Tut activates the Sphinx's self-defense lasers, forcing Doctor Strange and the girl to flee, at the same moment the floor of the room begins to melt...


...revealing only seconds later that the Fantastic Four have burned through the floor in their own escape attempt.



The FF pursue Rama-Tut to his control room, where the pharoah has sealed himself inside a pod...


...an escape pod, to be precise. Rama-Tut blasts off, observed by Strange and the slave girl (from outside the Sphinx) and by the West Coast Avengers, watching the scene on another close-circuit television:




Before they escape, the FF discover the optic nerve restorative they came for:



Only a few moments behind them, the West Coast Avengers arrive in the control room, now escape-pod-less:


The FF flee the Sphinx, only just missing a controlled explosion that destroys all of Rama-Tut's futuristic technology. Dr. Strange and the slave girl observe the explosion from outside, but the West Coast Avengers are caught inside in the blast. Luckily, it only destroys the machinery and leaves them unharmed:




The slave girl professes her love for Dr. Strange, while in the background the Fantastic Four make their departure back to their present using Dr. Doom's time machine. Strange then magics himself back to his time:




Now, here's where there's a continuity mistake. Although we saw in Doctor Strange #53 that the FF depart 2940 before Dr. Strange, in West Coast Avengers #22 it's the other way around: Strange leaves and then the FF depart, the West Coast Avengers arriving just a few seconds too late to hitch a ride:



That single sequential error aside, though, it's like an intricate jigsaw puzzle that's fun to read and even more fun to put together. As Paul Harvey would say, "And now you know...the rest of the story." That's not the end of it, of course: the Fantastic Four, Doctor Strange, and the West Coast Avengers' stories continue in each of their respective magazines, but what about Rama-Tut's story? What happens next to him? Well, his time-twisted saga is spread out all across the history of the Marvel Universe. You can never be certain when you see him...or his later incarnations, Kang and Immortus...that you're reading the story in chronological order. That is, until Kurt Busiek, Continuity Cop, ties it all up in the sprawling and intricate Avengers Forever miniseries of 2000—issue #9, especially, which works to put many of the pieces of the Rama-Tut/Kang/Immortus puzzle in chronological order. And that includes this panel:


'Zat panel look familiar, time travelers?


Physicist Dr. Michio Kaku once wrote:

It would take a civilization far more advanced than ours, unbelievably advanced, to begin to manipulate negative energy to create gateways to the past. But if you could obtain large quantities of negative energy-and that's a big "if"-then you could create a time machine that apparently obeys Einstein's equation and perhaps the laws of quantum theory.

True. But what Dr. Kaku fails to mention, is how utterly kickass bitchin' it would be if the time machine looked like a giant Egyptian Sphinx:


Ride on, Rama-Tut. Ride on.