Monday, June 24, 2013

Bear Attack! Month, Day 24: The true origin of bears' craving for the taste of human flesh

Panels from Classics Illustrated Junior #508 [Golidlocks and the Three Bears] (May 1954), creators unknown

Now, at this point in the story, Golidlocks tries to remember if bears are more afraid of you than you are of them, and she tries to make herself bigger to startle them away, but eventually she runs away into the forest screaming and howling in terror, stampeding into trees and giving herself such a traumatic experience that she'll be dealing with it in therapy for ages, perhaps in group right alongside Little Red Riding Hood and Hansel and Gretel. At least, that's the way I've been told the story by Mama Bull, and you probably have too, and that's where it ends, right?

Not in the Classics Illustrated version. Here Mrs. Goldilocks's Mama consults her Emily Post and writes a beautifully calligraphed note of apology in a quick effort to stave off an impending legal injunction against her daughter.

And then they all had breakfast together and were very good friends. WHAT THE FABLES?!?

Why, everybody knows that it happened like this:


SallyP said...

Now that's good parenting!

Blam said...

"Soon we may be allowed to wear clothes and speak in human language like the bears!" said the sparrow to the squirrel. "And I won't have to live in that tiny birdhouse where there's barely room to turn around."

"Yes," replied the squirrel. "That would be so nice." He paused. "What do you think Golidlocks and Junior Bear's child will look like?"