What the Dickens

I oughta know when to keep my little stuffed mouth shut! Today I noticed via the magical medium of Google



that it's the 200th birthday of the man who invented Christmas and urban poverty, Charles Dickens. Happy birthday, Chuck! Where I made my mistake was in running to tell my pal John, who suggested that since I was studying English Literature in my homeschooling, that I should write a report about the life of Dickens. You know, John, some things you just wanna celebrate, not turn into homework.

So I ran down to the hermetically sealed and climate-controlled Bully Big Vault o' Comics, hopped into my little electric cart and drove a few minutes to aisle C, section 17, where I pulled out one of my copies of Classics Illustrated and brought this page back to John:

Text page from Classics Illustrated #6 [A Tale of Two Cities] (September 1948)

Wow, what a downer of an ending. I think it would be a good idea to add onto that, like, he came back from the dead to fight zombies with the aid of a combination giant steampunk robot and time machine. Anyway, John said I had to write my own report. (Spoilsport.) So I took the express elevator back down to the vault and here's what I came up with.

---

Charles Dickens
My Report
by Bully (age 6) (me)
Charles Dickens is a very very very famous author who is famous for writing many comic books.



Throughout his career he created many exciting action characters, most of whom will be familiar to all you comic book readers.

(Left to right: Thrash-Guy and his son, Bat-Man and Bat-Girl plus Magpie the Wonder Cat, Old Skulky, Capt. & Mrs. Crunch, Napoleon Bonaparte, The Dancing Duet, Punchinello the Clown, Spider-Rider, Two Old Ladies with an Umbrella and a Bottle of Gin, Flag-Head, Falling-Over Guy, The Ghost Kids, Helicopter Lad, The Guy Who Says Talk-to-the-Hand, Miss Floaty and Daughter, Raven-Man, The Fighting Irish, Cylinder-Head, and Mister Inkwell.)

Charles Dickens is often remembered for having met The Spectre at a Christmas party, where they exchanged really clever Secret Santa gifts.


Panels from The Spectre v.4 #12 (February 2002), script by J. M. DeMatteis, pencils and inks by Ryan Sook, colors by Guy Major, letters by Chris Eliopoulos

Later, he taught writing and advanced beatnikism to Patsy Walker, the runner-up winner in the Sweetheart of Earth-616 Competition (just behind Millie the Model).


Panels from Patsy & Hedy #75 (April 1961), script by Stan Lee, pencils and inks by Al Hartley

During the tumultuous nineties, he moonlighted as an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.*:


Panel from Ultimate Spider-Man v.2 #9 (June 2010), script by Brian Michael Bendis, pencils and inks by David Lafuente, colors by Justin Ponsor, letters by Cory Petit

Later he met his untimely violent death at the hands of The Joker! We'll miss you, Charles Dickens.


Panel from Detective Comics v.1 #85 (March 1944), script by Bill Finger, layouts by Ed Kressy, finishes and letters by Dick Sprang

As we have seen, Charles Dickens was a great man. But did he ever get his picture on a trading card?



Why, yes. Yes he did. Twice!



So, in conclusion, Charles Dickens was such a great man that they published his biography in yet another issue of Classics Illustrated.


Text page from Classics Illustrated #48 [A Christmas Carol] (June 1948)


*Surely He's Inscribing Elegantly Like Dickens