Tuesday, April 06, 2010

All the News That's Fit to Never Be Seen

DD #242Oh, Matt Murdock, in a town that has 24/7 cable station NY1, why do you rely upon newspapers so much to get your hearsay and scuttlebutt of the crime comings and goings in Manhattan? Y'know, there's lots of alternatives to rubbing your hypersensitive fingers all over those filthy, ink-smudged rags like The New York Daily News, The New York Post, Metro and of course, The Daily Bugle, the only newspaper in the country whose slogan is "Curse you, Spider-Man!" He may be very good at rubbing his fingers over a newspaper and picking up the minuscule impressions left by those mighty presses upon flimsy wood pulp, but I still bet he has troubles reading Cathy. How can we explain Counselor Murdock's fondness for a dying industry in today's bold new information age, when he could be reading the news by rubbing his fingers all over his computer monitor? Well, that last one can be explained by Foggy's troublesome online porn addiction, but otherwise, where's the attraction to a newspaper, DD?

Maybe it's the fact that in the Big Apple, newspapers seem to love running headline stories about guys in red spandex with horns:

This alt text is specially placed here for blind readers. Helpful, isn't it?


...but look out, DD! Just like an issue of Marvel-Team Up with Some Guy Who Turns Out to Eventually Be a Villain, you never know when the press is going to turn on you like a rabid dog!

This alt text is specially placed here for blind readers. Helpful, isn't it?


Well, can you blame 'em? After all, a picture is worth a thousand words...even if it has been turned into the paper by "El Photoshoppo," the villain who can put Queen Elizabeth's head on Madonna's body!

This alt text is specially placed here for blind readers. Helpful, isn't it?


Yes, Daredevil and newspapers have a strange and beautiful relationship...

This alt text is specially placed here for blind readers. Helpful, isn't it?


Most of all, DD finds newspapers useful in his never-ending battle for truth, justice, and the seeing-eye dog's way...a good fish-wrapper is a crimefighter's greatest tool in combatting crooks:

This alt text is specially placed here for blind readers. Helpful, isn't it?
This alt text is specially placed here for blind readers. Helpful, isn't it?
This alt text is specially placed here for blind readers. Helpful, isn't it?


But fear not for the defeated costumed crook, dear reader...instead, weep for the poor innocent 1970s Marvel comics caught battered and torn in the fight!

This alt text is specially placed here for blind readers. Helpful, isn't it?


Yes, around Daredevil and his reckless Gladiator-tossing ways, all periodicals shiver in fear, especially comic books like Nova! And...um...Celam!

This alt text is specially placed here for blind readers. Helpful, isn't it?


That's why Daredevil always champions newspapers and other popular methods of news dissemination:

This alt text is specially placed here for blind readers. Helpful, isn't it?


After all, as we can see through the eyes of Elektra Nachos Natchios in this panel of Daredevil's Girlfriend, Elektra #6, newspapers tell us all sorts of amazing and interesting things, right up until the point where the typesetter has a heart attack!

This alt text is specially placed here for blind readers. Helpful, isn't it?


Yes, in Elektra's world, newspapers fight illiteracy by featuring only a few words on each page plus lots and lots of easy-on-the-eyes white space.

This alt text is specially placed here for blind readers. Helpful, isn't it?


Ya know, whoever wrote the headline Los Angeles Hit By Bad Weather...well, I just hope he got nominated for a Pulitzer.

Yes, after having her brain scooped out and replaced with special magic ninja foam, Elektra finds it easy to read newspapers with the classified section, business news, and London fax numbers all on the same page. Well, at least it makes more sense than Dilbert:

This alt text is specially placed here for blind readers. Helpful, isn't it?


That's why in the Marvel Universe, the motto of the Los Angeles Times is Gotta dog? We'll advertise it in 128 point type!

This alt text is specially placed here for blind readers. Helpful, isn't it?


So now you know all about the newspapers in DD's world and how they help out him and his little lady friend-and-psychopathic assassin-for-hire Ellie N. in their chosen careers as costumed vigilantes in a world they never made. Why, just about the only thing that frustrates Daredevil about being blind is that he can't fully appreciate everything they print in a newspaper:

This alt text is specially placed here for blind readers. Helpful, isn't it?


But don't spare Matt Murdock any tears over that...why, he's got that problem solved with a subscription to his favorite Braille magazine:

This alt text is specially placed here for blind readers. Helpful, isn't it?


So remember, Daredevil always says:

This alt text is specially placed here for blind readers. Helpful, isn't it?


Except for the times when he says:

This alt text is specially placed here for blind readers. Helpful, isn't it?

3 comments:

Taylor said...

There was some really crazy stuff with newspapers in Hawkman vol.1, too, where it basically just Hawkman picking up a newspaper and then him flipping out.

Phillip said...

If that's DD's braille Playboy, it looks like he's ready to start drinking right away.

Ed said...

I miss Karen Page and that xxxnn sxx xooo she did all the time...