Hey, Wolverine! What's your favorite Beatles song?
Panel from Giant-Size Wolverine #1 (December 2006), script by David Lapham, pencils and inks by David Aja, colors by Jose Villarrubia, letters by Joe Caramagna
This has been another installment of "Favorite Beatles Songs of the Superheroes." Join us again next time when we sing along with that popular Fab Four favorite "Hey, Beta Ray Bill, what did you kill, Beta Ray Bill..."
Greetings, humans! It is I, Ardu, second cousin to Uatu and member of The Watchers, our ancient race which observes the goings on of the universe! Each Watcher is charged with but two tasks: to observe and to never interfere.
But that's boring. Like all other Watchers, I see all! I know all! But, unlike my boring brethern, I tell all...for I am...The Spoiler!
Today, I shall spoil for you some silver age Marvel science fiction comics, "Strange Tales" where no plot is too bizarre and the strange turns that fate has in store for ordinary men shall be revealed by...The Spoiler! In other words, what Stan Lee, Steve Ditko, and Jack Kirby slaved to make surprising to you mere mortals, I shall spoil by revealing the secret O. Henry-esque twist ending of each tale, thus decreasing your surprise and shock upon reaching the conclusion of the story! Also, I have removed these comics from their hermetically sealed plastic cases, thus spoiling their future resale value. Hah! Prepare for these stories to be spoiled, humans!
The alien spaceships were actually alive!
All along, it was the car who was the killer!
All along, it was the car who saved their lives!
He was actually the descendent of...Gulliver!
Those weren't really giant frogs after all!
Those weren't alien creatures after all...those were time travellers from the future!
Those weren't alien creatures after all...those were...ah, um...transmuted humans changed into weird forms after touching the alien gold!
The man who ran to sea to escape solitary confinement...was Robinson Crusoe!
Those weren't really magic paints...he's a hypnotist!
Those really were magic paints!
So there you go, beings of Earth! Classic science fiction tales from the Marvel comic magazine you call Strange Tales rendered rather less strange by...The Spoiler! I do, in fact, think it would be more apt to call them...Spoiled Tales! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Now I, The Spoiler, must take my leave of you, and let me leave you with this story-wrecking spoiler...
So, humans, farewell from...The Spoiler!
(Also, that Planet of the Apes? It was Earth, all along.)
I like to consider myself a little stuffed bull who's involved in his neighborhood, so I enjoy pedalling my Big Wheel up and down the streets of Park Slope, Brooklyn, waving at everybody, stopping in at the fabulous new location of LaBagel Delight to cry "I'll have a chocolate croissant!" when one of the guys behind the counter shouts "Next!", or peering in through the window of Little Things to see what new toys have arrived, or excitedly hopping on the number 67 bus, popping my Metrocard in the slot, and journeying down to see my pals Tom and Amy at my fave comic book store, Bergen Street Comics. Hooray, always so much fun! When I'm out and about around the Slope, I even keep my eye out for the guy who rips down all the flyers that people put up on poles. He woulda had his work cut out for him this week, tho', because Park Slope's been blanketed by these flyers:
These signs are everywhere. Wow, Lucy must have really made an impression on this guy Karl. Also, he must have terrible, terrible jokes. And, he must live in the 1970s if part of his conversation includes the question "Hey Lucy, what's your sign?"
And hey, Karl, if you walked her home, why are there posters all over the Slope, and not just around the area you walked her home in?
Well, Karl, I do happen to know Lucy, and I've got both good news and bad news for you. The good news is...I happen to know Lucy. Oh wait, I've already told you that. Okay, how about the bad news? Karl, let me break it to you gently, man: you really don't want to date Lucy. She's rude, abrasive, cranky, sarcastic, selfish, hostile, and sometimes outright violent. In fact, you might even call her a fussbudget! No, take it from me, Karl...if I were you, I'd run far, far away from Lucy.
Lucy's no prize girlfriend, let me tell you that. She'll insult you at the drop of your blanket:
She'll take over your life, because she just loves meddling in your personal business:
And don't think that you can charm her over with those jokes that she didn't laugh at. Lucy is very critical of any sort of attempt to entertain her!
Why, Lucy's so spoiled that you won't impress her with an informal date at a local Park Slope eatery. She wants diamonds, pearls, black tie and grand formal dances to entertain her:
But truth to tell, she's pretty boring on a date:
Don't think she'll be pleasant and cheerful, oh no no no no. The girl does love to bellyache!
And in the end, Karl, I'm sorry to tell you...Lucy is brutally violent:
So, Karl, Karl, Karl. Take it from your friendly neighborhood little stuffed bull...run, don't walk, away from Lucy. She'll be a bad girlfriend who will take advantage of you at every moment, and what's more, she'll psychoanalyze you at every drop of a nickel. Now, I know your sad, sad story sounds like it comes straight out of a viral campaign for an online series of indie film shorts, but you and I both know the heartache of unrequited love. (Sigh). So all I can tell you is buck up there, pal...there's plenty of fish in the sea and turnips in the garden and tire change shops down on Fourth Avenue and there's a great Greek restaurant on the corner of...oh wait, where was I?
Forget about Lucy, Karl. She'll break your tender, aching heart. And besides...she's already got a boyfriend.
Looking for paradise? You've found it in the beautiful tropical land of San Marco, where fun, adventure, relaxation and delight are only a barefoot step on a crystal beach away. Basking in the balmy breezes of the South American Pacific coast, San Marco boasts over three hundred miles of pristine waterfront coastline, none so beautiful as Fiesta Quay, home of La Casa Fiesta, San Marco's premiereand onlyMichelin six star resort. A mere puddle jump from all major US airports, La Casa Fiesta's friendly and helpful staff are smiling to welcome you to the ultimate vacation...you'll feel so relaxed, you may never want to leave!
La Casa Fiesta features an ultra-modern seventeen-hundred room high-rise western-style hotel rising above the sapphire-blue waters of the Pacific, ranging from simple but elegant single bedrooms to our exotic and breathtaking El Fiesta Honeymoon Suite, a mutli-roomed paradise featuring your own personal valet and chef on call 24 hours a day. Want an omelette at 3 AM? Just ring for Pierre, and let him know what kind of cheese you want in itwe have over three hundred varieties in our kitchens!
Speaking of food, La Casa Fiesta boasts eighteen world-class restaurants ranging from the formal La Barque, presided over by head chef six-time European Culinary Crown winner Marie Yvonne Coulais, to our poolside snack bar "Funnybones"! In fact, every one of La Casa Fiesta's six Olympic-or-larger sized pools is equipped with bars and restaurants, including the ultra-romantic under-the-waterfall Misty Cavern Lounge.
You can bask all day by the pools or on the beach, or if you're more athletic, take to the high seas on any of the available paddleboats, jet skis, SCUBA equipment, or if you're more of a turf type, La Casa Fiesta's award-winning eighteen-hole golf course, designed by twenty-time PGA Tour-winning pro Greg Norman. Greg spends two months out of the year at La Casa Fiesta, so be sure to enquire if he's available for personal golf lessons!
But if you want to "get away from it all," La Casa Fiesta also offers private beach cabanas to give you that real-world "castaway" experience...bask on your own private stretch of beach in utter privacy. Go ahead, take off your swimsuit...nobody's watching!
It's only a short jitney hop (jitneys run every twenty minutes from six points throughout the resort) to the gorgeous and festive San Marco City Center, where you'll find delightful local artisans' shops, authentic South American cuisine, bars ranging from the raucous to the sophisticated, and even the latest European fashions in the top shops that line "La milla de oro," the ultimate shopping experience. Leave your shopping bags at home...any shop is happy to deliver directly to your room at the resort, or ship back to your home in the States for a nominal charge!
After the sun sinks down over the Pacific, party through the night at one of La Casa Fiesta's three nightclubs, or try your luck at our internationally acclaimed casino, featuring over seventy gaming tables spread out across three expansive decks overlooking the sea. Baccarat, world class poker, roulette, blackjack, craps, plus the widest variety of slot and electronic gaming machines in South America, and all the up-to-the-minute sports and race books!
Yes, La Casa Fiesta, the six-star resort that caters to your every whim...for relaxation, excitement, a vacation you'll never forget, book a holiday to San Marco's most prestigious and acclaimed resort...once you're here, you'll understand why the natives say the only time to go home is always...mañaña!
So, Admiral Ackbar...what's your review of La Casa Fiesta in San Marco, please?