Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Reviews: Four-color evil

"This plague of comic books is evil. A sheer, unmitigated evil, which will destroy our youths and their hapless innocence."—Dr. Frederick Wertham, Seduction of the Innocent, 1954

Every week I enjoy strolling into the local comic book shop, looking over the new weekly releases, and stealing them. Or, I head home and download them from the internet. Why? Hello, McFly: I'm evil!

For you to get the most mileage out of your evil comics, however, here's some handy reviews of which books are the most evil and which are disgustingly goody-goody. Remember the basic rule of thumb: violation of a character you've read for many years? EVIL. Therefore, Marvel Comics are all evil.

Pay attention, you sniveling do-gooders!:

NEW AVENGERS #39: This comic is evil. Even if you could get David Mack to put away his &!@#ing tracing paper for one issue, this'd still be an evil comic on all fronts. Dumbass action, liberal gore and blood, pointless sex scene, and absolutely no heroics at all. Plus: a focus on Echo, a character nobody really gives a damn about? Bingo. It's an evil comic all the way around, and the only thing that could make it eviler would be if it were part of a multi-issue mega-storyline. Or wait, it is. EVIL!

X-MEN: FIRST CLASS #10: This comic is only half evil. That's because it features Cyclops, the X-Man nobody likes (not even his dead, dead mama), and very little of the rest of the X-Men, especially that delicious little fire-head Marvel Girl. She'll make you wanna do evil things, I'm tellin' ya! But at least this issue features all the X-Men except Cyclops overcome by explosive Mexican diarrhea, so it is somewhat evil. Then again, if I'd published the freakin' thing, I woulda dunked it in germs that would give everybody who touched it explosive diarrhea. BWAH-HA-HA-HA! I'm EVIL!

COUNTDOWN TO FINAL CRISIS #5: This comic is evil. Screwing up fanboys's indexing systems by numbering the comic backwards? That's EVIL. But not as evil as this mean-pirited, bleak and nihilistic (yes—I used the word 'nihilistic'...what's it to you, doughboy?) reboot of the OMAC and Kamandi stories for a new readership for whom, apparently, Kirby is not good enough. That's evil, and I applaud it. Even more evil? The first appearance of 2008's Sensational Evil Character Find, Dog with a Carving Knife.

You go, Fido! Get evil on those humans! EVIL!

STAR TREK: NEW FRONTIER #1 This comic is evil. Well, first of all, it's written by Peter David.

Second, it throws you right into a story featuring new characters that you don't know if you haven't read Peter David novels (which are pretty evil in and of themselves, I gotta say!), with no introduction or explanatory page. Pretty evil!

Third, there's lots of scenes with Robin "Ashley Judd" Lefler, but in which she is not naked.

Finally, the comic has an alternate dealer incentive cover. Evil in and of itself, huh? But even more evil when you see it's an illustration of Peter David in a Starfleet uniform. Now that's EVIL!

THE MIGHTY AVENGERS #11: This comic is only half evil. Here's all the bland Avengers, the ones nobody gives a damn about. Yeah, everybody loves Wonder Man...not! And what's with the cheap-ass thought balloons? A sleazy way to prove that character's not a Skrull? Evil! But by far the most evil bit about the book is that Doctor Doom uses his time machine to get his sweet, sweet lovin' on with Morgana Le Fay. Using a time machine to defeat the Avengers? Pretty wicked. Using his time machine to knock iron boots with a bitchy medieval sorceress? Now that's EVIL!

ALL STAR SUPERMAN #10: This comic is evil. At first glance I was gonna code this comic disgustingly not evil because it's got competent art, innovative writing, clever and original concepts and it celebrates the overall weak goody-goodyness of that namby-pampy Superman. So why am I celebrating it as an evil comic? Because Superman dies. That's right, fanboys, choke on your memorial black Death of Superman armbands, the big blue Boy Scout is worm food! He's pushin' up daisies! He is an ex-Superman. And who is to laud for this evil turn of events? Grant Morrison, of course. All hail to thee, Grant, Son of Morris! All hail for your comic which is EVIL!

Also, because when you refer to All Star Superman by its initials, it spells ASS. Evil tee hee!

COUNTDOWN SPECIAL: ECLIPSO #1: This comic is evil. What's this? A comic featuring one of DC's evilest, more amoral characters? Some blaspheming to attempt to place stories from the Bible within the canonical history of the DC Universe by painting DC villains as the cause? Heads being ripped off, blood spurting, and skulls being vomited? Pretty evil. But not as evil as the existence of this comic book all by itself, in which DC has reprinted three old issues of the Ostrander Eclipso series from the mid-nineties, three books you could find in the quarter bin of the sleaziest comic book shop in the country, and charged five clams for the whole thing. Why, that's brilliant evil, and you know who the sucker is for buying it? You, fanboy! BWAH-HA-HA-HA! That's why COUNTDOWN SPECIAL: BUY SOME OLD CRAPPY ISSUES OF ECLIPSO #1 is the most evil comic of the week! Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! EVIL!

To be continued!


Stephen said...

i'm enjoying countdown special eclipso does that me me an accomplice?

Johnny Bacardi said...

Evil Bully, is there no limit to your wickedness?

Add to the list of your sins that of DISINFORMATION! Yes, that's right. The Eclipso series was written by Keith Giffen and Robert Loren Fleming, not Ostrander!

You're a bad, bad, bull.

Ken Lowery said...

Sir, i take offense at your labelling gore "liberal." Next time, I expect a more fair and balanced report.

Oh, right. Evil.

Unknown said...

Evil tee hee?

SallyP said...

Oh my goodness. Evil Bully seems to be entering into all of this with such...ZEST!

He's almost as evil as Dr. Polaris...and I find that attractive in a man. Or bull.