Friday, July 06, 2007

Friday Night Fights: Beast Wars

Happy Friday Night, folks! A few weeks ago when I was putting together a "Ten of a Kind" of heroes and villains in their ultimate staring-matches or face-offs, I came across a comic book cover so brilliant, so bizarre, so wonderful, so fun that I didn't want to jus' throw it in with nine other covers. No, fight fans, this is in a class by itself. This is sheer, utter brilliance. This is the pinnacle of characters racing at each other on a comic book cover. This is Justice League of America #132...
Justice League of America #132


Go ahead. Gaze at its beauty for a while. Bask in the sheer mind-bending brilliance that is Ernie Chan's portrayal of the Justice League facing off against animals with weapons.

But one sweeping gaze does not a work of art make. Get up close and examine the details, won't you? Like Cameron Frye in the Art Institute of Chicago, stare at it up close and absorb every detail until it sinks into your conscious mind, surrounding and bathing you in its sheer artsy brilliance while your best friend makes out with his girlfriend in front of the Chagall Window. Go ahead, look more closely. As a great man once said, Every Picture Tells a Story:


JLA #132
To heck with super-gorillas...who needs superpowers when you've got the ultimate equalizer: a gun! It's just too bad that Mister Monkey here picked the worst possible opponent to go up against: The Batman! Every since his parents were shot in that alley by an ape, Batman's got a mad-on for simian shooters...and he's taking a monkey bite out of crime! You oughta've stuck to knuckledusters, Kong!


JLA #132
Speakin' of Bats, what's up with the Dark Knight's posture? All the other Justice Leaguers are charging full speed ahead to meet the awesome animal attack. But Batman looks like he's leaning into battle...or maybe he's just been standing on a box and somebody pushed him off balance. No fear, tho'...like a Weeble, Batman wobbles but he don't fall down!


JLA #132
An elephant never forgets...to kill you! Looks like Wonder Woman will have her hands full with this homicidal heffalump! But look: the Amazing Amazon has drawn her Golden Lasso and will soon have the beast in bondage. And as the theme song to her TV show goes, when Wonder Woman has you in a tie, there's nothing you can do to lie! So pretty soon this perplexed pachaderm will be spilling all his elephanty secrets to WW. First up on his confession: mice freak him out!


JLA #132
Hey, look, it's Supergirl! Hi, Supergirl! Gosh, I didn't even know she was in the Justice League, but there she is, getting ready to lay the smackdown on a rampaging Rhino (Note: not the Spider-Man villain). And what a sensible outfit she's wearing. We love you, Supergirl! Try not to die in Crisis on Infinite Earths, will ya?


JLA #132
Now, there's a certain class of folk who bring a knife to to a gunfight. And then there's a certain class of animal that just isn't all that bright, either. Hey, look around you, guys: Gorilla's got a gun. Elephant's got a mace flail (thanks for the correction, Matthew!). Giraffe has got a...no, no, seriously, work with me here...the giraffe has got a spear. But it looks like the cheetah and the rhino just plum fergot to bring their weapons. Right at this very moment both of them are thinking "Did I leave my chain saw in the taxi...oh, freakin' heck, I did...!...We're gonna die, aren't we?...Yep."


JLA #132
Batman versus a brown gorilla. Wonder Woman versus a grey elephant. Supergirl versus a grey rhino. And of all those choices, who did Green Lantern pick to face off again? That's right, folks...a yellow giraffe. Oh, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal, Hal. Will you never learn? I have the feeling that this particular battle is going to be neck and neck.


JLA #132
So, let's recap. Bats versus ape. Wondy versus Jumbo. Kara versus Horny. Hal versus his own poor judgment. Black Canary versus some kind of cheetah. So who do you think was smartest in choosing his opponent on this cover?:


JLA #132
Shame on you, Oliver Queen! Everybody else is pulling their weight, and you stand there so smug and happy that you don't have to actually fight anybody. Sure, you're loading up your longbow, but what are you aiming it at? Nothing! You're shooting between the animals! What, are you just thinkin' "Ah, it's Friday afternoon at 4:15...I'm not gonna do any work. I'll just look busy and then scoot out of here real fast at five." Well, Ollie, there's only one word to describe you, and it's spelled S-L-A-C-K-E-R. And stop lookin' so smug about it!



I just want to see them explain this all to Martian Manhunter and Superman later. "And there was a rhino, and a ape, and a giraffe with a spear..." "Oh yes...a lion with a whip too, I bet...and a Thompson's gazelle with a Thompson machine gun, right?....We're never leaving them alone again, J'onn."

Oh course, such a face-to-face combat awesome cover could never be topped for sheer wacky craziness, could it. I mean, there's no way you could top that...
Shazam #20


DC Comics in the seventies...thy name is awesome.

Bahlactus is kind to all animals.


11 comments:

David Campbell said...

So. Beautiful.

What makes it even cooler is the gorilla's gun is yellow, or gold. Solid gold perhaps? The Gorilla with the Golden Gun. Why is he not fighting Green Lantern?

Sleestak said...

Mary Marvel fighting a trio of Sumo wrestlers? Let the seduction begin.

SallyP said...

Hal's fighting a GIRAFFE? With a SPEAR? I mean, I could understand a giraffe with a spear taking down Alan Scott, but exactly what makes a giraffe menacing?

As for Green Arrow, I think that he's just going to run between the two animals, then spin around and shoot them from behind. Haw!

Anonymous said...

GA is aiming at the hamster with nunchuks in the back.

Anonymous said...

"What makes it even cooler is the gorilla's gun is yellow, or gold. Solid gold perhaps? The Gorilla with the Golden Gun. Why is he not fighting Green Lantern?"

It's not just a golden gun, it's a golden Nazi gun.

Matthew E said...

As a D&D geek I feel it's my duty to inform you that that's not a mace. It's a flail. Maces aren't connected to their hafts by chains, and they aren't spiked like that.

Anonymous said...

It appears to me that Wonder Woman is the one charging at nothing. Green arrow seems to be more in line w/ the flail weilding elephant. Perhaps WW is throwing her lasso at an off-screen ostritch that stopped to hide its head in the ground.

Caleb said...

That cover is a very strong argument for accelerating the release Showcase JLA volumes to cover the sat. era toot sweet. I would love to see the insides.

I particularly like how the two without superpowers are fighting a killer cat and a gorilla with a machine gun, while the guy with the most powerful weapon in the universe goes after a giraffe with a spear. Hell, I'D fight a giraffe with a spear.

Buz said...

Little known fact: Green Arrow is actually aiming at his own animal nemesis... a sloth with a hunting knife between its teeth. Sadly he fell behind and did not make the face-off shot.

rob! said...

anybody notice that Bats is holding what looks like the nastiest, sharpest Batarang ever? that thing looks like it would cut your fingers off if you tried to hold it.

Bats is bad-ass, even when fighting a gorilla with a gun.

Anonymous said...

Wait...three sumo wrestlers are a part of the most dangerous menaces in the universe?

I need to start thinking more like these writers, because this is how I'd want to write comics.