Saturday, July 15, 2006

What in the name of Doom is going on here?!

Comics Shall Bow Down Before Doom!
Doom is not familiar with the person named "Samuel Scratch," so this very affront to the nature of your Lord and Master must be addressed in more specific and regal terms: What in the name of Doom is going on here?!

(Science Comics #4, Fox Comics, 1941)

Doom has and would never given his permission to be named such on the cover of a tawdry child's periodical—the name of Doom is not to be taken so lightly, and with such a casual and careless throw-away to only merit a mere mention at the bottom. I will appear in full glorious and regal splendour, prominently featured on the cover for all to admire, respect, and fear, else there shall be no mention of Doom at all! You shall pay, insolent dogs at Fox Comics! When Doom has completed his task of dictating this entry in lieu of the tiny bovine, it shall be child's play to step into my time machine to travel back to the offices of "Fox Comics" and utterly destroy them! Quake in fear, Fox Comics...your Doom is nigh!

And who would throw away their precious lucre on such a piece of deluded propaganda, one that features the visage of the ineffectual and inferior "Cosmic Carson? Clearly, such an ineffective "hero" deserves the ignoble defeat he shall soon taste at the hands of this "Mars-Man." This improbable fool clearly has no idea of the art of combat and he has made the clear but deadly mistake of turning his back upon his superior enemy. Pull the helmet from that imbecile Carson's head, monster! Doom commands it!

I ponder, however: does the upstart Carson truly need that helmet? Clearly his unconscious paramour has no need of breathing apparatus: it appears she is respirating normally, although a clear fool was she to have eaten those garlic-sauteed Mars snails prior to this adventure to be breathing out polychromatic smoke. It is obvious to even an imbecilic child that, with her brazen skirt and doxy's decolletage, the female has no need for protection from the Mars elements. Doom has walked upon the surface of Mars, and only the superior technology of my battle armor protected me from the climate that is as harsh as my hatred for the Fantastic Four.

In addition, Doom surmises that the so-called "Cosmic Carson" does not actually need a breathing helmet except to accentuate his womanly lip gloss. It appears his technology is fault as well: leaking chlorine gas has prematurely bleached the hair at his temples. Why, with those greying temples and blue uniform, he almost looks like...that could almost be...

That could almost be...

No! It is...

Richards! Accursed Richards! I shall destroy you! I SHALL DESTROY YOU!

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